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About luv4godremains

  • Rank
    Experienced Fellow
  • Birthday 09/18/1989

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    music, films, friends
  1. luv4godremains


    not thought bout anything today, just... numb... no feeling for anything... anyone... completely dead, moer than ever before...
  2. luv4godremains


    am feeling REALLY low, I can't believe he doesn't give us more than we can ahndle, cos I saw my Dad yesterday, that I CAN'T handle, I spent the whole night curled up in a ball in the corner of my bed watchin the whole room completely petrified, I'm soo scared and I dunno if I can do this, I'm in too much pain right now, I just, I'm soo tired of this place, this darkness inside me, it's overflowing, it's smothered anylight and happiness I have, and I don't feel like Ic an get betetr right now! I may get put on steroids for my hands cos even with usin da creams they are splittin sooo much dat they bleed loads, like dribble all down my hands, and it's sooo sore! and that'll probs make me gain weight which I really don't wanna do! HELP!!! I'm sooo scared! I don't wanna sleep, what if he finds a way to get in the house and hurt me? what if he hurts my mum and sis?
  3. luv4godremains


    thanks guys, am feeling quite a bit better today as I've had a good day! my appt went mostly well, was pretty hard, alot was said and I have quite a few appts comeing up, mainly so they can decide the best approach to this for me as it's different for everyone! the reason I'm feelnig better is that we had speaknig and listenin day for english, the marks go towards our actualy GCSE's, and I got at least a B+ on the debate, I got an A- on my presentation, and I got an A* on my role play, it was raelly hard, and I wish and know I could have done better, but they're the best grades I've had over the past 3 years! It made me smile cos I'm in with a chance of getting the B I need to take psychology! scary tho! I hope this feeling continues, it's hard not knowing if it'll last or not, but I know I'm in God's hands! haven't felt suicidal at all today, was pretty bad yestrday and the day before, but am better today!
  4. luv4godremains


    thanks guys, the person who was makin me feel soo bad about everythnig mainly (supposedly my best mate) won't admit she was wrong, but we're basically ignorin it and if she does it again, I'm just gonna leave it as a friendship unable to work really! The fact is, if she can't accept me for who I am, then it's her problem! I miss first lesson tomorrow, I have an appt, thankfully! and on thurs I do too, which will stop anyone calling me pathetic for havin a problem and not being able to touch things that are dirty etc... The problem I have, is I'm petrified to go in 2moro, cos the first lesson I'll be in is media studies, and I am really scared it's gonna be like friday was, I don't want to have to worry about that happening again, or be worrying about everyone watching me or talking about me! I hate school, I can't wait to get out of there, but I may need to stay for 2 more years, I just don't know anymore, everything in this world is sooo screwed up! people wonder why I'm soo screwed up, all they have to do to know, is get to know me, then they'll see my past probably quite easily, or maybe stop to think about the fact that I'm human and the things they say are hurtful, but they're selfish and don't care! I'm just soo scared, I see no point in this place, I just wanna curl up into a ball and forget I'm alive! unfortunately this world won't let me! I will hopefully be able to sleep after tomorrow (the appt is about my sleeping and they may mention my anxiety) please pray that it all goes well and they do what's best for me, that God would guide the doctor and my therapist to know how to help me, and to not put me on anti-depressants, I'm just soo scared, lost and confused atm, I just need things to go well for once, and to forget the things that have happenned to me! sorry for the length of my posts guys, guess I'm kinda venting on here as well!
  5. luv4godremains


    today was alright I guess, untill my "best friend" decided she would be completely immature, we got into this huge fight and it ended up in her being like a 6 year old and drawing her "idea" of what I look like, she drew a rli thin person who looked like a guy (I'm not udnerweight anymore so it hurts even more that I'm normal weight and she'd still be like that) and particular detail on the scars on the arms, she showed it around the whole of the three rows by us so now my whole set know I cut, and then, in media, people started writing really horrible things in my diary whilst I was at an appt with a teacher about what to do next year, it's sooo degrading, and it hurts that they think to be normal you have to have sex, or that they think your lying when they ask you if you have and u say ur still a virgin, why can't they accept me for who I am? I'm soo scared, I don't wanna go to school on monday, face these people who have sexually harassed me in the past, and occassionally still do, who have picked me apart till I see everything in me as being bad, and still have to cope with the normal harsh realities of life! HELP I don't know what to do, I'm sooo lost and confused, I can't see past tomorrow right now!
  6. luv4godremains


    I'm sure this person did not mean to upset me, I'm not going to post the name, but it hurts that people would send rude emails to me suggesting I am lying about how I feel, Iw ouldn't ever dare, my friend commited suicide 2 eyars ago and it's no joke, I came here toa sk for help, and I ask that people would respect me for turning to prayer for help, it has taken me a long time to get to here! Thankyou everyone who has been praying for me, I hope tomorrow will be better than today, I don't think I could handle my "friends" calling me pathetic again, and to even do it to my face, they don't know what I struggle through! My head of year looked at me like I was an idiot 2day when I told her, like only someone extra sensitive would care, but I don't want other people's opinions to have a hold on me anymore, I just wish they would respect me for who I am! sorry to vent and babble, just needed to I guess, I still feel really... weak... and worthless I guess from today... I'm gonna read the bible for a bit then go to bed, see if I can sleep and get my strength up for tomorrow!
  7. luv4godremains


    I'll be praying, and I suggest that if you do choose to go there, pray before you enter that God would protect you with his angels, and also pray as you enter each and every room that anything not of God would exit the house and stay away!
  8. luv4godremains

    Prayer for Peace please

    Lord, fill your son with peace and comfort, I pray you would help him to deal with this issue and help him find someone who he can love and care for, someone you want him to love and care for. Amen
  9. luv4godremains

    Major crisis!

    I'm praying fairytears! God bless ya hun!
  10. luv4godremains

    Pray pray pray

    I'll be praying for ya, I hope everything goes well, God has his hand over your family!
  11. luv4godremains


    thanks guys, had a rubbish day, my PE teacher called me pathetic for not wanting to touch the mud, then everyone in my form started accusin me of havin OCD, and as true as it is, I don't want them spreadin it around the school, I don't even want them knowin cos it's none of their business, it's just amde me feel soo worthless agen! *sigh* guess I should just get my coursework done and see if I can pass this peice!
  12. luv4godremains


    here are two sets of lyrics I've written, the first one is to do with the past that's on my mind, the second how I feel, what I feel like I should be doing! Now I see your face, It's everywhere I go, Once again I am afraid, So afraid to be alone. In my Dreams last night, I felt your perverted touch, Tonight will not sleep, In fear of the push of your crotch. A millions years have past, I don't know what I did wrong, I'm watching the play, all over again, A message sent through a song. -------------------------------------- Grabbing the knife, Taking the step, This is it, my one last breath. Time to kill the pain, I've felt so long, One final drag, My life is gone. Makes no difference, Life is death, I've known all this, From my first breath.
  13. luv4godremains


    cheers guys, I'm not so much feelin better today as feeling relieved, my mum came home yesterday and it's nice to be rid of people trying things on wiv me, and to be wiv sumone responsible, I haven't cut since yesterday and plan to keep it that way, or at least for as long as I can. right now I just wanna curl up into a ilttle ball and forget the world, just be gone into my own little world, like I used to be able to do, unfortunately when you're young, your maginations are much more vivid than they are now! thanks you soo much guys, I know I'll get better in time, and the fear and pain will go, and I will hang on to Jesus untill the day I die, whether it's soon, or a lot later, but somehow, I will survive untill Jesus wants to take me into his arms!
  14. luv4godremains


    thanks guys, not doing any better today, but am relieved to see my sisters friends leaving, no more things goin on here that really shouldn't be, at least untill next time they come! I had a bad day and just feel soo, just, numb really, I'm too tired and depressed to think of doing anything stupid, which I guess is a good thing really, but I hate feeling this way!
  15. luv4godremains


    I can't say much, but the things in the subtitle are things I'ev REALLY been struggling with again, I made an attempt at suicide on tues, and really struggled not to tonight, my arms are covered in cuts, deep so that I have 2 bandage 'em 2 stop 'em from keep opening, any wider and I'd be in hospital right now, and it all boils down to depression dats mostly due to my past. I just REALLY need prayer right now!