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Ivyrose890

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About Ivyrose890

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 04/20/1999

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  • Gender
    Female

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  • Location
    New Zealand
  1. Hey everyone I am 14 years old and struggling with everything. This year i entered into year 11 which means I'm doing NCEA Level 1. This is putting a lot of pressure on me and I'm having panic attacks because of it. When I was 10 years old my Mum got diagnosed with breast cancer. She had two major surgeries followed by chemo therapy. This was really hard on me and my older brother and sister. My Mother has always been a very strong person and it scared me watching her slowly become weaker and weaker. She was only supposed to have one surgery but when they did this surgery they found more cancer in her breast tissue and she had to go back in two months later.This surgery was much more intense because they removed her entire breast. We went to the hospital after her surgery to go see her and it was horrible. She was still heavily sedated so she could barely speak or move. Her skin was a disturbing pale yellow and she was in pain which made it even worse. I remember leaving the room with my older sister and we just sat together and cried because really what else could we do. I thought after the surgery things would go back to normal but if I thought seeing her after her surgery was bad seeing her after chemo was hell. She lost all her hair which was incredibly painful for us all because it was a constant reminder that even on her good days the bad ones were still coming. The chemo wiped her out for the first two days after chemo after that a trip to the toilet would almost make her past out. I was living in a nightmare but i couldn't get out. After 8 months of chemo she went on this other drug which was like a very mild chemo drug. This one only wiped her out for a day or two and then she got better. That was a nice change. I am blessed enough to say she did not die and she is still here with us today. Through the 18 months that she under went cancer i had no support from my family or friends. My friends did not understand and I don't think my family knew what to do either. As for the church that I had been going to my entire life my siblings and I caught them gossiping about my family and saying how my Mother got cancer because of something she had done. We got some people telling us straight to our faces how horrible our Mother was for getting cancer it was really hard. Needless to say i do not go that church any more and distance myself from the members of it. But this did not fix my problem I was left feeling horrible with no support from anyone and no hope in God. I felt as if I was the reason my Mum had got cancer, I also thought I had to be the perfect child because if I was not then that would put more strain on my Mum which would make her cancer worse or (after she had gotten through the cancer) I thought if I was bad my Mum would get cancer again. I kept this charade up for a couple of moths after my Mother had gotten better but bottling my feelings up only made me worse and worse. This led to me seriously considering suicide and doubting my worth in the world. One night I was feeling really bad and I wrote a letter to my family saying good-bye and decided I would drink a bottle of window cleaner. But standing there bottle to my lips and letter on my desk I could not bring myself to drink it. I can't say why but i just thought I can't drink this. I did not tell my parents straight away but a month later I was telling my Mum how horrible I thought the world was and confessed to nearly killing myself. She had known things were bad for me but not that bad I got counselling and started to feel better about myself this was a couple a months ago and I have been feeling really good about myself. I also started to try and fix my relationship with God. I can't say it was great but I was getting there. But now I can feel myself slipping back to the depression that led me to nearly killing myself. My fear is that if I go down this hole I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from killing myself again. This all started a while ago when my Mum confided in me that she was thinking of divorcing my Dad. My Dad stayed home and looked after my Mum while she went through the cancer but he got depressed and he payed little to no attention to anyone. He way of dealing with his depression was playing computer games and although he is not depressed any more but he has grown an addiction to computer games. My Mum says she is seriously think of leaving him for 6 months and saying he either needs to get help for his addiction and she will come back after those 6 months or she's leaving him for good. The only reason she isn't doing this is because she can't afford to. She would not be able to afford rent, food and other necessities. The hardest part is my Father has no idea. Currently I am dealing with panic attacks like the ones I used to get when Mum had cancer, I am stressed to the max by school work and find it hard to concentrate on anything. I haven't talked to God in ages but I want to get better and see n better way then confiding in God. I never done this sort of thing before (the whole chat forum thing) and I have never told anyone my full story about what I went through except my Mum. Right now I know God has a plan and this is happening for a reason. I can't say that this makes me okay with starting to break down again but I know there's a reason for everything. I have a plan this time which is to read the bible when i wake and go to sleep. I'm confiding in my Mum a lot and I'm trying out this chat forum for Christians. I ask for your prayers of healing but mostly for strength and courage. With your prayers I know I can get through this and get better. Thank you for reading my story and for praying for me. God Bless!
  2. Hey everyone I am 14 years old and struggling with everything. This year i entered into year 11 which means I'm doing NCEA Level 1. This is putting a lot of pressure on me and I'm having panic attacks because of it. When I was 10 years old my Mum got diagnosed with breast cancer. She had two major surgeries followed by chemo therapy. This was really hard on me and my older brother and sister. My Mother has always been a very strong person and it scared me watching her slowly become weaker and weaker. She was only supposed to have one surgery but when they did this surgery they found more cancer in her breast tissue and she had to go back in two months later.This surgery was much more intense because they removed her entire breast. We went to the hospital after her surgery to go see her and it was horrible. She was still heavily sedated so she could barely speak or move. Her skin was a disturbing pale yellow and she was in pain which made it even worse. I remember leaving the room with my older sister and we just sat together and cried because really what else could we do. I thought after the surgery things would go back to normal but if I thought seeing her after her surgery was bad seeing her after chemo was hell. She lost all her hair which was incredibly painful for us all because it was a constant reminder that even on her good days the bad ones were still coming. The chemo wiped her out for the first two days after chemo after that a trip to the toilet would almost make her past out. I was living in a nightmare but i couldn't get out. After 8 months of chemo she went on this other drug which was like a very mild chemo drug. This one only wiped her out for a day or two and then she got better. That was a nice change. I am blessed enough to say she did not die and she is still here with us today. Through the 18 months that she under went cancer i had no support from my family or friends. My friends did not understand and I don't think my family knew what to do either. As for the church that I had been going to my entire life my siblings and I caught them gossiping about my family and saying how my Mother got cancer because of something she had done. We got some people telling us straight to our faces how horrible our Mother was for getting cancer it was really hard. Needless to say i do not go that church any more and distance myself from the members of it. But this did not fix my problem I was left feeling horrible with no support from anyone and no hope in God. I felt as if I was the reason my Mum had got cancer, I also thought I had to be the perfect child because if I was not then that would put more strain on my Mum which would make her cancer worse or (after she had gotten through the cancer) I thought if I was bad my Mum would get cancer again. I kept this charade up for a couple of moths after my Mother had gotten better but bottling my feelings up only made me worse and worse. This led to me seriously considering suicide and doubting my worth in the world. One night I was feeling really bad and I wrote a letter to my family saying good-bye and decided I would drink a bottle of window cleaner. But standing there bottle to my lips and letter on my desk I could not bring myself to drink it. I can't say why but i just thought I can't drink this. I did not tell my parents straight away but a month later I was telling my Mum how horrible I thought the world was and confessed to nearly killing myself. She had known things were bad for me but not that bad I got counselling and started to feel better about myself this was a couple a months ago and I have been feeling really good about myself. I also started to try and fix my relationship with God. I can't say it was great but I was getting there. But now I can feel myself slipping back to the depression that led me to nearly killing myself. My fear is that if I go down this hole I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from killing myself again. This all started a while ago when my Mum confided in me that she was thinking of divorcing my Dad. My Dad stayed home and looked after my Mum while she went through the cancer but he got depressed and he payed little to no attention to anyone. He way of dealing with his depression was playing computer games and although he is not depressed any more but he has grown an addiction to computer games. My Mum says she is seriously think of leaving him for 6 months and saying he either needs to get help for his addiction and she will come back after those 6 months or she's leaving him for good. The only reason she isn't doing this is because she can't afford to. She would not be able to afford rent, food and other necessities. The hardest part is my Father has no idea. Currently I am dealing with panic attacks like the ones I used to get when Mum had cancer, I am stressed to the max by school work and find it hard to concentrate on anything. I haven't talked to God in ages but I want to get better and see n better way then confiding in God. I never done this sort of thing before (the whole chat forum thing) and I have never told anyone my full story about what I went through except my Mum. Right now I know God has a plan and this is happening for a reason. I can't say that this makes me okay with starting to break down again but I know there's a reason for everything. I have a plan this time which is to read the bible when i wake and go to sleep. I'm confiding in my Mum a lot and I'm trying out this chat forum for Christians. I ask for your prayers of healing but mostly for strength and courage. With your prayers I know I can get through this and get better. Thank you for reading my story and for praying for me. God Bless!
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