You can call me Grace. Grace isn't my real name, but grace is the only thing I hold onto now...
Do you want me to tell you how I honestly feel?
I feel broken, dejected, alone. I feel like someone’s trash they tossed to the curb. I feel as though the world whispers and I am screaming, but no one can hear me. I’m invisible to everyone. I know no one who cares. I see the selfishness of everyone, including myself, and wonder….is life worth all this trouble. How can one word, one action, cause so much pain? How can one thought bring so much trouble? Guilt, pity, depression. We all suffer with this, yet, when I look at the world I see people spilling out their wounds and hurts, fears and regrets, something I want so much not to be a part of. But hear I am. As a last resolve, because no one around me sees my pain. No one around me hears me silently screaming inside. No one around me notices. But how can they when they never look at me? How can they when eye contact is fleeting. I can tell you one thing: I have gone through a list of everyone I have known in my entire life; friends, relatives, family, and no one….no one at all can I say have truly loved me. Truly. Unconditionally. Like Jesus. I can only remember one other time in my life like this. When I was young, and slipping from God. But somehow I got through it. When the stress, and the strain, and the pain of living got unbearable I knew he had my back. When life just didn’t seem worth it anymore and I was at the breaking point I turned to him for comfort. Now, I do the same. But what do I feel? Nothing. Nothing but pain, sorrow, depression and loneliness. I feel numb, like I can’t feel anything but anxiety and hurt. I understand why so many people commit suicide each year. How can you bear living if each troubled day is like the next? I keep crawling through life, hoping it will get better, hoping someone will love me. I just don’t know what I have to live for anymore. If God loves me so much, why can’t I feel it? I have prayed so long, and so hard for him to take down the walls of my heart and love me. I want to feel loved so badly its almost all I can think about now. I feel so cold, so numb. I just want it to end. To feel something. Anything. Anything other than this ach inside my chest. I’m tired of being OK outside my mask of emotion. Can’t anyone tell that I’m dying inside? Slowly, and painfully dying? Can’t they see my pain or the hurt in my eyes when the talk over me? I am trampled, invisible, alone. But I have trained my mask well. Only at night does this mask let down, when I can cry myself to sleep each night. This sick feeling of bitterness, anger, regret, loneliness, and terror are suffocating, and something I can’t even remember living without. I just can’t do this anymore. Nobody cares. I can’t open up to anyone around me, or they will hurt me. I’ve tried. I can’t take the betrayal. I only trust God, but it just seems like he isn’t there anymore. Why don’t I feel him? God, why does it feel like you left me? I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this.
Do you want me to tell you how I honestly feel? No. That’s right because you really don’t care. No one does.