This is a complicated and drawn out story, so bear with me.
Last year, I moved and began my first year at a new high school as a junior.
Enter neighbor, let's say "Sarah". A homeschooled neighbor girl invited me to the state fair as we were settling in to our house. This was my first really experience with a girl, I was excited and thought gee maybe someone likes me. She invited me to something again a week later... then another week passes and we did something else. Then I find out she has a boyfriend. Yay. We pretty much lose contact for a few months and we rarely talk or hang out. She invites me to a movie sometime in the spring, and we begin to watch a movie almost every week for about a month and a half since we both had Movie Pass. Anyways, I finally think something is happening. I don't really know why I like her other than the attention I'm getting from her, but it's enough to woo me over. I ask her out to prom and she says yes... later she clarifies if it's as friends or date, I suggest date and she agrees. It goes well. Then things go south. She ignores me and doesn't want to hang out anymore. Cool. Then suddenly we start hanging out a bit again. Then while I'm at work I go on Instagram and find she posted pictures of her and a new boyfriend at the state fair. (one full year has now passed) Gee that's terrific. She never said anything to me. I pretty much sever ties with her and we don't talk much anymore. I tried to explain to her that I was hurt but I don't think she fully understands. Anyways so that's great. I feel terrible and just feel forever alone at this point. This was about a month or two ago.
Enter girl, let's say "Jill". During the whole last year, this one girl really liked me. Like really liked me. We went to homecoming and she asked me to Sades but I had come up with an excuse to not go. I kind of realized she liked me but didn't think much of it and was trying not to hurt her by getting her hopes up. Unfortunately I was too infatuated with Sarah to really notice and process it. Long and the short of it is, we get along really well. When Sarah was over and I came out of my bubble, I realized what was right there in front of me. I truly can see spending my life with Jill.
Enter best friend, "Matt". I've been friends with him since the third grade. We've shared so many great experiences and are truly best friends and have each other's backs. We've talked about girls and how we must acquire a treasured girlfriend. He liked a different girl, she's mostly irrelevant, and asked her to prom, almost entirely during the same time as I liked Sarah.
Matt suddenly likes Jill. At Sades, when Jill asked me, she then asked best friend as an alternative. Jill never considered liking best friend. Matt says he likes her, she says she does not.
Beginning of August, about a week or two before Sarah posts pics of boyfriend at fair, Matt tells me he really likes Jill. At the time I still liked Sarah, so I said go for it. He asks and she says yes, so they become a thing... Soon having their first kiss and he's actually now going with her on a family vacation to Hawaii in November...
At this time I fully realize how big of a mistake the last year had been. When I lost both Sarah and then now Jill, I realized what a fool I had been. Jealousy perhaps, although I think I've ruled that out. I realize I care for Jill far more than I realized, to the point of loving her, and I'm scared of losing her.
So now, I like girl. Jill still shares feelings for me, and said that she would emotionally chose me over my friend. Matt knows I like her and essentially says there's always another girl.
It's so easy to say that when you have a beautiful girlfriend ready to cuddle with you.
So basically, at this point, it's incredibly difficult for me to hang out when both Matt and Jill are together. As it makes me realize I wasted a year pursuing nothing when a shining jewel was chasing behind me. I feel awful and it's hurting my relationship with both. I find it difficult to be friends with girl, simply because we have mutual feelings and I don't know how safe it is to be friends and I don't really know how to just be friends with a girl I like. It's also obviously caused some tension with my friend.
Even if Jill and I were to be together, likely it would ruin relationship with Matt unless he is the one who breaks up.
So. Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully understand my story... My question is, how do I proceed? Who is right? Can I still be friends with girl? How do I know what God wants?
Also any words of sympathy, or rebuke, would be appreciated as this is a hard and confusing time for me right now.