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  1. I haven't posted here in a REALLY long time. I don't even go by 'Sir Will' on anything else anymore if I can help it. I was still struggling to find myself a partner when I was younger, but at that point I didn't really need someone in order to feel happy, I just wanted someone that was fun and I could really connect with, I suppose. From 2017 to 2019, I was in the first real relationship I've ever had. I put a lot of effort into it. I spent time with her, I took her places, I bought food she liked, we had dinners and lunches, saw movies, stayed home and played video games, and generally my life was really really nice. I felt complete, satisfied, doubtless, and happy. So much so, I felt myself having more time and closeness with my faith, since I saw the fruits of my labour. As I understand it, God wants men to experience good healthy stable relationships with women, and I felt proud that I had that, and I would do anything to do it. I kept making efforts to grow the relationship, whilst not being too clingy or forcing too much closeness. I always made her opinion important, and we made great efforts to communicate our problems. We had met online after she was running from an abusive sexual partner who was warping her idea about love and sex. She was religious at first also, like myself. As time went on, eventually I caught her cheating on me. It was something minor I think, like a flirt over the internet. I thought it made sense to give her another chance, it was Christian to forgive her and it was being a good man to let go of my pain for her sake. I felt honourable giving her another chance, especially since flirting is very basic cheating. Then, later on, she confessed to kissing someone and there was more flirting. It wasn't necessarily the same person, and this greatly upset me since I had made a great effort to explain the problems with cheating to her early on. At this stage, I went out of my way to help her, such as trying to cut down on people in her life that could be bad influences, and trying to promote for her to make a good friend group of nice men and women who weren't going to influence her to cheat. That plan failed, evidently. More and more, she continued to cheat, and she always tended to confess to it. I can't know if she cheated more outside of it, but her breaking down into tears or acting standoffish after cheating was a good sign that she had really done it. If she was simply uninterested in me, she had the full freedom to leave me, but I reckon it wasn't that simple. I kept forgiving her, and working with her to solve the solution, despite the pain and disconnect I felt from being cheated on so many times. I do not like being cheated on, and imagining my dream partner with someone else goes against what I believe and what makes me feel happy, secure, and satisfied. It also genuinely hurts, obviously. Eventually, I thought we had fixed it, since she had a really long running streak of not cheating, something like half a year. Unfortunately, there was a small distance between us for a short time as we struggled with things, and she confessed to cheating again. Not only that, but she had confessed to cheating during that streak of faithfulness. I really broke down, since all of my rebuilt faith and hope really tore apart at the end when I felt it was all for not. I told her that things had to change or I might have to leave her for my own sake. At the end of the day, I couldn't bring myself to leave her, and she elected to leave me on her own. From here, I began to doubt the validity of our relationship at all. Did she ever really love me? Was our communication *real*? Did we ever REALLY connect, or was she just using me? I felt used, betrayed, and broken. I'm not one to consider suicide, for a variety of reasons, but this would be one of the times in my life where I nearly did consider it for real. My faith in God was wavering too, as I felt that even though I acted through faith and love and forgiveness, it never paid off in the end, it never had any progress, and it blew up in my face. I know trials and tribulations are apart of every Christian's life, but God is supposed to give us a way out when times are tough, he's supposed to be the golden gate at the end. The land of the valley of death isn't supposed to end with tears and crying because you couldn't see God at the end. I'm still a Christian, I still have great reason for my faith, and I am making good efforts to repair my life. Though, my self-esteem, confidence with women, personal state, and my hope and inspiration for the future are all in tatters. I can't help but feel that having a partner to really connect with helps bring out the best in me, and I love to help bring out the best in them. Sharing life is something I really enjoy, and my hobbies tend to be maximised by having a partner. With Covid-19 and my somewhat anti-social personality with strangers, I can't help but consider it impossible to find someone faithful who's also a Christian at my age, who will appreciate me for my looks, my qualities, my interests, and my values. I've cut all communication off with my ex, since it is really draining to even begin to talk to her again. I feel bad because I want to be there to help her and support her still, even though she's not 'mine' and I'm not 'hers' anymore. but... Where do I go from here? Do I just trek it on my own and spend my youth alone? I want to spend the prime of my youth with a like-minded partner, not alone meandering around. I don't want to get child-giving age and not having established any of my dreams. Is there some online services I'm missing for Christians roughly my age? (19, give or take a few years). Even if I had those services, I like to play video games, and write, and spend time online. Am I really going to find a religious girl who likes those things in this day and age? Is it not worth it? I'm really struggling to know where to go or what to do, and I feel like I'm wasting time and spinning my wheels. If it helps, I'm in college right now, trying to figure out where I'm going with it. Thank you for any reply.
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