Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'different'.
Found 2 results
Many of you have read my other posts. It has been 1 year since I last posted. It's crazy... My life has been CRAZY. I had been living in Nicaragua last time I gave an update. I was telling you all about how I was going to be transitioning back to the USA. Well here I am. I'm living down South (in a state I had never been to before I moved here.) I went through a... oh I dont know... maybe 8 month phase of... Joy. I was playing the sport I love, Softball, (and made it onto varsity my first year here) I was in a semi-relationship with a guy that I liked. For the first time in my life I wasn't worried about the physical appearances of me or others. Infact, the guy I liked was NOT "attractive" at all. To me he was, well... is... But I mostly just saw his kind and God-loving heart. And that was all that mattered. Then something happened. People say that there will be a calm after a storm... They tell me to "stick it out." For me, I see it as there is always a storm after the calm. I was feeling on top of the world. Then all of a sudden, the world came crashing on top of me. Here it is... The feelings returned. If you don't know exactly what I mean, then I encourage you to look back at my post titled "Being... Different..." or the one called "I don't know what to do" or finally the one named "My trapped journey continues." Anyways, it has to do with softball season starting up again. I feel like I don't know who I am. I have even taken those crazy quizzes online. I keep asking myself. Why me God? WHY ME? I repeat this to myself daily, God never gives me more than he knows I can handle As of this month, the month that softball has started back up, that is what gets me to sleep every night. I know it is not what God wants for me. But not doing anything about my feelings just hurts my heart. The fact that the now 2 girls I have had these feelings for are both straight, makes me wonder if that is God telling me that it is wrong. I know that is weird. It probably isn't him saying that, but it not only hurts that I know it is wrong, but it also hurts that neither one of those girls feel/felt the same about me. I don't know for sure that the girl I have the feelings for now is straight, but when I think she is flirting with me, I have to realize she is just being nice. She treats me the same way she treats any other girl. and that hurts. So yup this is my update. Please comment your thoughts. Dont worry you can be honest with me. I want the truth, that is what I am seeking for. What should I do? Does anyone know or have any suggestions? Thanks for reading once again
This is the quick story of me in this LITTLE world guided by my BIG God July 1999. The OBGYN doctor of Boston Massachusetts Hospital is stuck in traffic. Who is left in the hospital? Mom, Dad, a baby on the way and the brand new nurse in training. Dad is passed out on the floor and the nurse is plastered against the wall. Mom manages to scream enough that the nurse puts herself together and delivers that 7 pound baby girl. Me. I am the oldest of the 2 kids in my family. My sister being 3 years younger. I have been in and out of Hospitals from the day I was born. Doctors try and comfort me by telling me that "there's always one "sick kid" in the family." I'm the kid who always gets the flu, stomach virus, diariah, food poisoning, bladder infections, bronchitis, laryngitis, migraines, and extreme cramps (on periods)... The kid who needs surgeries, endoscopies, colonoscopies... The kid who has allergies and needs and EpiPen... The kid who can't make it through one school year without being sent home sick at least 3 times... The kid whose mom has to bring her the medication she forgot to take before going to school, and give all 6 pills to her in front of the entire class. Yes, I am that kid. I had my first Grand Mal (physical shaking) seizure at 3 years old. We were at that time living in Maine, and the closest hospital... well... wasn't that close. By the time my parents had called the hospital and had brought me in... the seizure had stopped. They sent me home and said it was most likely dehydration. Oh... I forgot... The reason they suspected dehydration was because that previous month I threw up everyday for 1 month straight. Yes... every, single, day. The doctors couldn't figure out why, and to this day the only one who knows why that happened is the Lord, but that is what my seizures were originally blamed on. Over the next week I had 3 other seizures, all at home. Which means none where seen by any doctors. The only reason my mom knew for sure they were seizures I was having, was because her sister, my aunt, has epilepsy. hmmm see where I am going with this? After many frustrating difficult doctor visits to doctors all over the country, I was put on some random medications on and off and things started to dial down. No more seizures, I had grown out of my milk allergy, and things were... good Beginning of October, my 7th grade year. I don't remember much, but I remember being on the couch with my parents leaning over me explaining they had found me on the floor screaming eyes wide open. I don't remember that. I do remember seeing flashing colors and standing in the dining room talking to my dad. You know after you loo into a bright light for to long, you see spots of yellow green red black white and other colors? Thats exactly what I remember. But there were no bright lights. In fact it was night time. My parents didn't know what to think but they called my pediatrition and told her what happened. She told them to get me a good night sleep and let me stay home from school the next day. I don't really remember the next day. I remember bits and pieces. I remember being down in my basement with my dad trying to calm me down (a finished basement not a creepy like dark cell haha) and I remember throwing things at my mom. The slightest things she said got me upset and I remember trying to hurt her and my dad. I bit my dad. I remember that clearly. They put me in the car and drove me to the Emergency room where they gave me sedatives and put me in a small EXTREMELY hot room. A lady came in and asked me some questions and offered me a drink or a snack all the while I remember acting completely normal and responding politely to everything. I stayed the night at the hospital and was released in the morning. They scheduled me for and EEG and an MRI to be happening in the next week. While waiting for tests and procedures to take place in the next week I stopped going to my school and entered into a day program at Shepard Pratt (we were then living in Maryland). Shepard Pratt is a mental institution. I remember all the days going there. Wake up at 5, get on the bus at 5:30, get there at 6:30, spend the day there, get on bus at 7:30, be home at 8:00. I was by far the sanest of them all. I was put in the younger group by accident (4-10 year olds) and when asked if I would rather change groups I said no. I was fine with coloring all day rather than doing the sketch stuff going on in the "Big Kid" room. We talked about our feelings, ate lunch and snack, worked on worksheets, and had one on one time with the therapist assigned to each on of us. Once again I acted normal and like I didn't even know why I was there. By the end of the first week there I just wanted to go back to school. When my parents got the tests back saying I had Epilepsy, Depression, and was bipolar (along with a whole slue of other stuff) they decided I would be in the program a few more weeks while they got me on good medications. Here is where my memory fades again. I remember deciding that was NOT what I wanted to do. So I ran away. There were some woods at the end of my street and so I decided to just walk and walk and walk until I don't even know. I found a tree house that was far enough away from any houses so I decided to hide in it. I played games on my phone and just sat there, shivering and crying out to God. "WHERE ARE YOU?" I was trapped in my own decisions. I couldn't blame it on him... how can any of us blame anything on God?! Are we really so blind to everything he has given us and everything he does for one a daily basis? Who are we to not take responsibility for the things that happen to us. We are the ones at fault and I have no respect for the people who say otherwise. Yes, we slip up and its okay to cry out to God and even to get angry with him, but not to live this life not owning up to we, humans, creating sin in the first place. When they found me in the woods at about 11:00 PM that night (My grandfather was the one to find me... a bunch of people were looking for me... grandparents, aunts, uncles, foster siblings (we use to do foster care), my sister, my parents, neighbors (that was embarrassing). They told me they were just about to call the police. They locked me in my room that night and I didn't even have any tears left to cry. I got no hugs no comfort at all. Not even from my parents... nobody seemed to care once I had been found... They acted like it was a game. "Who can find her first?" I was waken up by my mom telling me to pack some things because I was going to be sleeping somewhere else for just a few nights. Instead of these day programs I had been doing, I was then admitted as an "In-Patient." I slept in a creepy white room like you see on the movies. the bed and dresser nailed to the floor. I was locked in the room at night. The bathroom was huge (that was a plus nice shower!) The worst parts were the nights. I could here the girl in the room next to me screaming. She was 6 and I tried to be nice and actually played with her. She was recovering from abuse and had horrible nightmares. She had a mental illness and would lash out at people and hurt them. I was again put in the younger aged group. Apparently the girls next door (the 11-18) where in for "harsher" and way more "difficult" treatment. It sounded really scary... It wasn't that bad there.... Whenever you were good you got tokens and then you could buy toys to play with. I just did some puzzles. They even had a wii room. I'm not insane. I have an epilepsy that makes it so I have internal seizures that cannot be seen by other people. My brain misfires electrical signals which make me act out and feel crazy emotions (depression or anger) for no reason. Im not insane I repeat. I was just in there because I was harming people when I got angry. I was harming myself also. I learned to have a healthy fear. I learned that sometimes God allows us to go through things to show us how much he can offer and how much better his offer is. My mind learned to accept some things because of the experience at Shepard Pratt. I was locked in. Trapped. The first snow of the season came and I could only see it from my window. I had to wear the same clothes every other day. I only could see my family at the 1 hour visiting hour Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Girls (and guys I guess) don't be afraid to lash out. Do it. Be crazy, laugh at yourself and others, be truthful, and don't hide your emotions. Because after you go through those experiences I PROMISE YOU you will walk away with something learned. And if you look at it just the right way, and think about it just enough, you will see God through it. No matter what. Do it. My medications were fixed, and I was on the road to recovery and living for God and I decided to call my mom for the first time. (I hadn't been accepting her calls during calling hours) I told her that I was ready to come home and she started crying on the phone. I got first 3 hours out of the house, then 6, then 9, and soon I was spending the night at home I even got to go trick or treating The middle of November I went home. Ive had many ups and downs but today life is so different. I now live in Managua, Nicaragua Central America as a Missionary. I struggle with depression, and cutting. You know what? I pray not more than I ever have in my entire life. I rely on God more than ever. Even though I still struggle (an almost attempted suicide) God has brought the most amazing people into my life. You have no idea what I go through. I struggle with being "in the closet" but I truly believe it is not what God wants for me so I do nothing about it. I pray for feelings to go away, and I have better days than others. The reason I have those better days are because of my faith in the Lord. I will never be perfect so I won't try. But I will try to do everything God wants of me and to follow the path he has planted in front of me. Even when I am trapped in this little world I will remember how BIG my God is and How Great his plans are for me, and because of that, I cannot EVER and will not EVER give up. John 14:13 12"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.13"Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14"If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.