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I believe in God, and probably won't ever stop. I'm a Christian Protestant, and have been for years. My problem is that while I believe in God, I believe Jesus died for our sins, and accept Him as my Lord and Savior, I don't really care. I actively dislike church, I dislike churchgoers, and I dislike the Christian lifestyle. I also have jealousy of other people for their health, their wealth, their successes, their physical looks, etc. and blame God for giving me nothing. I understand that I don't live in Haiti, Ethiopia, etc. where I don't have a toilet or clean water, and I'm thankful. But for someone who lives in the United States and deals with problems such as what I noted in the previous sentence, I just blame God for everything and can't get over it. For months, I'll say "**** you, God," or "**** God," or something similar. I think about the people I have met since I became an active Christian again about 4 years ago (after a lifetime of believing but not bothering or anything) and how many issues I have with them. Most of the people I have met at church are people that I dislike for various reasons. In their defense, I'm not a really nice/good person (I'm very blunt and dislike even perceived weakness if I think it's dumb). However, this is where I am now. I just don't want anything to do with church or church people, but at the same time, I understand church and God are good for me. I remember an argument for atheists and how they think it's unfair God is basically sending them to hell for not believing. The answer to it was, "Well, you are alive now and you dislike church, you dislike the ten commandments, you dislike worship and prayer. Heaven is full of that, and everything to glorify God. If you don't want it now, why are you complaining about not experiencing it for the rest of eternity/in the afterlife?" But yet, here I am. I can only think of people I dislike and the way none of us see eye-to-eye on things. I think of the dullness of Christian life, the stupid rules (e.x. a local Christian college forbids men and women from sitting together at lunch, or going out to see a movie), and the general stupidity I see such as faith healing (it doesn't cure cancer), the old-fashioned adults who try bossing the younger churchgoers around because the Bible says to respect your elders, and just nothing really good. I had this problem, sort of, a few years ago. I remember a girl (who is now an ex-Christian, I believe) saying that I was judging God and my relationship with Him based on other people, i.e. imperfect beings who didn't have a thing to do with God's greatness or my relationship with Him. But everything combined from the people I know/have met, the way I think I'm getting the short stick in life, and the lifestyle we're expected to lead just make me dislike it all completely. I believe in God, but I'm not practicing the religion anymore. My relationship with Him is weak if it even exists anymore, and again, I know that's bad. But what can I do to strengthen it? I opened a new Bible app on my phone last night, but I didn't know where to start. I was hoping someone here could point me to some Bible verses/stories/parables/books concerning this that could hopefully help, but after writing all of this out, I'll take pretty much any advice you guys can give. I just wanted friends, a girlfriend, success with my college degree, and generally a good life, but I've never had it. If I give up religion completely (and possibly political views although that is highly unlikely), I would probably get the first two and maybe the last. But I don't want to trade eternity in Heaven for a few good decades on earth and then the rest of forever in Hell.
alright.There I said it.I am jealous. I am jealous that a friend of mine got accepted to a University and I am not. The worst part is that I didn't even try it,I didn't even want that University but just the idea that my friend is going there drives me dissapointed. We are studying the same courses and she got accepted with an Erasmus program,at Paris.And I am stuck here.And I hate it feeling jealousy,really hate it. pff