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Hey everyone! I'm back again with another update. Last time I left off with the basics. So to sum it up, I had feelings for a girl, things went badly, I moved, I went a whole year with no homo feelings, and now they are back. Just 6 months ago I was crushing HARD CORE on a guy. Then almost overnight, not kidding, overnight, the feelings towards him went away and now he almost... grosses me out. It's crazy I don't understand it and I don't expect anyone else to either. Softball is in full swing now (no pun intended) and tonight actually was out first Region 2A game. We won! I love playing a sport that requires social interaction with the other girls in order to succeed Its a need really, because I am such a talkative person. haha. I got a job refereeing at the YMCA and it starts soon. I will be getting payed $15 an hour which is AMAZING compared to my last job at a crappy restaurant where I only made $7.25. Im taking the AP spanish exam soon and It shouldn't be to hard for me because I lived in Central America for 3 years as yall know (from my previous posts). Enough with the little updates. Lets get to the real stuff now. It's so incredibly difficult to look at her and tell myself that she isn't flirting with me. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to convince myself of. I just stare into her eyes and pray that God takes the feelings I have towards her away. I am actually trying to channel my romantic energy into another source. Writing. I have tried to write books before but have gotten writer's block by the 3rd chapter and quit. This time I think it will be different. Everytime before I had just been writing for fun and just a spur of the moment decision. This time it is for a real purpose. I'm writing a romance novel. It sounds stupid but It really works. I get distracted by the beauty of the man and women relationship God designed for humanity so I forget about my queer feelings. Its insane that everytime I see her in the hall, I feel the need to say something. I try to tell myself to shut up but when she says something first, my heart flutters and my stomach gets all twisty. It's not okay! I want God to speak to me. I want him to just lay it out plain as day what I am supposed to do. I dont think thats how it works though, haha. All I can do is continue to pray. Thanks for reading! -Trapped in my journey
Many of you have read my other posts. It has been 1 year since I last posted. It's crazy... My life has been CRAZY. I had been living in Nicaragua last time I gave an update. I was telling you all about how I was going to be transitioning back to the USA. Well here I am. I'm living down South (in a state I had never been to before I moved here.) I went through a... oh I dont know... maybe 8 month phase of... Joy. I was playing the sport I love, Softball, (and made it onto varsity my first year here) I was in a semi-relationship with a guy that I liked. For the first time in my life I wasn't worried about the physical appearances of me or others. Infact, the guy I liked was NOT "attractive" at all. To me he was, well... is... But I mostly just saw his kind and God-loving heart. And that was all that mattered. Then something happened. People say that there will be a calm after a storm... They tell me to "stick it out." For me, I see it as there is always a storm after the calm. I was feeling on top of the world. Then all of a sudden, the world came crashing on top of me. Here it is... The feelings returned. If you don't know exactly what I mean, then I encourage you to look back at my post titled "Being... Different..." or the one called "I don't know what to do" or finally the one named "My trapped journey continues." Anyways, it has to do with softball season starting up again. I feel like I don't know who I am. I have even taken those crazy quizzes online. I keep asking myself. Why me God? WHY ME? I repeat this to myself daily, God never gives me more than he knows I can handle As of this month, the month that softball has started back up, that is what gets me to sleep every night. I know it is not what God wants for me. But not doing anything about my feelings just hurts my heart. The fact that the now 2 girls I have had these feelings for are both straight, makes me wonder if that is God telling me that it is wrong. I know that is weird. It probably isn't him saying that, but it not only hurts that I know it is wrong, but it also hurts that neither one of those girls feel/felt the same about me. I don't know for sure that the girl I have the feelings for now is straight, but when I think she is flirting with me, I have to realize she is just being nice. She treats me the same way she treats any other girl. and that hurts. So yup this is my update. Please comment your thoughts. Dont worry you can be honest with me. I want the truth, that is what I am seeking for. What should I do? Does anyone know or have any suggestions? Thanks for reading once again
This is my second update to my testimony. My first update was a few weeks ago, and my original testimony a few weeks before that. It is going to be short I just have some quick things I want to ask/talk about. 1. My family is going to transition back to the USA soon and I have to make the decision of Public VS Private for my final years of high school... Thoughts? 2. Who should I be... I am so many different people... I'm not talking about pretending I just have so many different personalities. I can be a total jock (I play a lot of sports) or I can be musical or whatever.... I sing and play instruments. I want to focus on 1 over the other. 3. I am planning a surprise birthday party for my best friend and I have no idea what to do. (16th birthday) 4. All my friends are pulling away... They know I am moving and I felt something wrong.... So I asked them if they were pulling away. Surprisingly they said yes (when I talk about my friends I mostly mean my two closest ones) They said that it is better and it is just happening naturally. I cant stand it. I am alone. I want my last few months to be the best but I cant because my friends don't want to invest time in our friendship when its going to end soon anyway. I don't agree at all. I have asked others for their opinion and the only one who agrees with ME is my mom. And that is mostly because she is going through the same things right now with her friends. I want people to miss me and I know I am going to miss them like crazyyyy. Its super sad to think they wont care when I leave and they wont miss me either. 5. My pet peeve... When I am talking or texting people and they say "sorry... I dont know what to say" Like seriously say something random. When they say that it makes me feel idiotic and like I am alone... What a surprise the story of my life comes into play again.... I feel so Alone.