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Found 3 results

  1. cookiesncream

    Feeling Alone at Church :(

    Hello friends I'm new to this site and I joined hoping to meet new friends and hopefully grow in my faith. To start off, I am 16 years old and have started going to church nearly every Sunday for the past 9 months. I never went to church before that, not because I didn't want to but because I didn't have the chance. Both my mom and I are new to our church community, even though we've been going for 9 months it doesn't seem that long. Our church is HUGE. About 10,000 people attend our church. It's not one of those small chapels, it is very large. My mom and I do not attend the same service. Our church is divided into; English Service (adults), Youth Service (13-18 year olds), Children, Nursery (Babies/Toddlers). So obviously, my mom is attending the adults and I'm attending youth. Being new to a church community is like being the new kid at school. I have never been a new kid at school however. The first time I switched schools was when I transitioned to high school, where I still got to see my elementary friends do that doesn't really count. I feel like I am experiencing what it's like to be a new kid for the first time. Not to mention, I suffer from social anxiety disorder so it is extremely hard for me to get out there and meet someone new. When I first came to my church, one of the pastors led me to 4 people the exact same age as me to make me feel welcome and told them to sit with me in service and get to know me and all that kind of stuff. The problem is, they go to the same school together. They've known each other for YEARS and I barely know them. They talk about stuff that I don't even know about and don't share interests with me. Whenever we're together they all talk about stuff and I'm just sitting there awkwardly like the "fifth wheel". Sometimes, I don't even sit with them in service. I only do when I see them. And even when I do see them, it's more like, "Hi!", sits in service and listens to pastors talk, "Bye!", then one week later and the same thing happens. There has been times where I sat completely alone by myself at service. And for someone who has social anxiety like myself it is excruciatingly embarrassing. I hate being SEEN alone. I don't hate being alone. I hate it when people SEE me alone. I think that fear comes from the fact that I don't want people to judge me I don't want people to think I have no friends and think I'm a loner. Every week, I get major panic attacks about having to sit alone at church and feel humiliated. I know to most of you, it seems like I'm worrying for nothing but for me my anxiety is so intense that I lose control of my fear and I start crying. I also know a lot of you might tell me I should just meet new people but I feel like the people are the same at school where everyone is divided into their own group or "clique" and they exclude everyone else. It is super awkward for me to randomly go up to that person over there at the wall and just say "hi". There is no way I can do something like that and that is also considered to be very creepy. Sorry if I bored you over this long essay. I want to be able to attend church so I can learn more about God but I also can't because I have so much anxiety and feelings of loneliness and just worshipping all alone. I feel very alone. I have no friends at church. I need help. Thank you to everyone who wants to help me! Also please feel free to send me a message I would love to meet new people considering the fact that have no friends at church.
  2. Hello, The tags up above pretty much sum me up and I am a 16 year old teen boy with a bad past, hardly any friends, lonely, and issues with myself and my faith and everything in general. Looking for someone who would be willing to be my friend and cares and is patient and willing to help and just be there for me. Thank you if you read all of this.
  3. God bless you guys. I'd never though I'd feel like this in my life. I'm 22 years young, so I guess I'm still a baby to life. I'm feeling like my life isn't making sense right now. I feel like I'm somehow lost. I'm seeking God through this stage, but I can't help but feel depressed, lonely and hurt. I've recently been separated from my girlfriend of almost 6 years. My pain comes from this loss. We've planned everything we wanted for our future together. She decided to move on, as she told me she was praying and she felt God told her it was necessary to do so. I have to admit, I have strayed from the faith in the past, I have changed, I have sinned knowing it was a sin, and I have repented. My walk with God is not what it was 2 or 4 years ago. I'm not the same as before. I loved her. I loved her with everything I had. I sacrificed so much for her. I cared for her. It wasn't enough. I wasn't spiritual enough for her, as she told me. She has a point in a way. I was low in my faith for too long, I didn't show her the leader I should have been. We've been arguing to much. It was all a burden for her, and me as well. But I couldn't accept that separation would be an option. I loved her too much. I still respected her desicion. It's been a couple of weeks since that moment. My heart was in pieces. I felt cold. My strength was drained. My apetite shrunk. My heart would race. I couldn't sleep. My thoughts wouldn't stop. The twisting pain in my stomach wouldn't let me live normally. Thoughts of worthlessness would creep up on me. I felt so rejected. I didn't deny her, but she did deny me. I would promise to change, but it wasn't enough for her. Thoughts of her with another man, another family, another home, with other children, being intimate with another man would be the biggest torment in my mind. I've been waiting so long! Yet, we still lusted after one another, which happens, but my God... Maybe God wanted this to happen. I'm not suffering now what I've been suffering 2 weeks ago. Slowly my pain is lowering as the days go by. I beg and plead to God to help me, to not leave my side, to have mercy on me, to heal me, to hold me, to guide me. I'm desperate for acceptance. I'm desperate for love. I thank God always, even through this process, I still kneel to Him and He takes my pain away. He hasn't left me, yet I still feel like my life is now left to feel without purpose. I had a purpose to work hard for us to marry. That motivation is gone. What now? I feel stagnated. I want to focus on the Lord, but I can't help but feel this void in me. I feel like there is no progress in my life. I can't help but think, "Will I find someone that will love me?", "Will I find someone that will love God and want the same things I want for the future?" I've wanted these things since I understood the goodness of being a family man, a father, a husband, since I was younger in my elementary school days. I still hold that dream, but it feels shaken. It feels blurred. I can only rejoice in the fact that the Lord has held me. I can only rejoice that God still takes the pain away when I pray to Him. It keeps coming back however. The pain doesn't stop crawling back in my heart. I have to constantly keep begging God to heal me from this. I don't want to suffer this pain anymore. She said she loved me. She said she wanted to marry me and have children. She was so beautiful and unique. She was the woman I wanted to be my wife. "You're not spiritual, Kevin, you're not." For some reason any time I see something that resembles her or her congregation on FB, I feel as though a fiery arrow pierces my soul. I can't bear the thought that everything is dandy with her. I cannot see a picture of her without feeling such a pain. I still see brothers and sisters of the congregation that I don't visit anymore that post pictures that don't have her in them, but I fear I will see her in one of those pictures one day. It's somehow torturing. I feel like deleting those people who are generally in her circle for the sake of my sanity. I've done what I could to get rid of everything that has to do with her. Her sweet smell on my clothes would torment me. It reminded me of her room, so girly, so comfortable, so sweet-smelling. That Haiku perfume set I bought her, that's where that smell came from. I loved that smell on her, I would wrap myself around her and devour her in kisses, that's how good of a scent it was. Now, it only torments me. It reminds me totally of her tenderness. Somehow I couldn't detatch myself completely from that. Maybe it was the last physical thing I had left of her. She returned my love letters, I re-read them. I even read her love letters over again. She was madly in love. WAS, being the correct term. I can't help but admit how her love grew colder for me as time went by. This was someting very noticable in her letters. They started by hailing me for being her shoulder to cry on, her example of a mature person in her life to help her become a better person and how patient and gracious I was with her but then they usually started to sound like thank you letters. Thank you for being there and God bless you kind of letters. Very short, non-romantinc letters. They seemed more and more forced and hurried as I read each consecutive letter. It's all gone now, along with letters I poured my heart for her. I even made myself laugh at how genuine I was when I wrote her this letter that she gave back along with the rest: To Elisabel. Everything Has Its Time To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. And now, a love letter. The muscle that provides the necessary blood-flow in my sanguineous system produces a chemical reaction that alters my hormones with dopamine each time my person comes together with yours. The experiences and adventures with one another have created a constant neurotic manifestation in my cerebral cortex in an undefined area because I have no knowledge of it every time your memory comes to my mind. In other words, my heart races when I am with you, and my mind wonders when I think about you. Io te amo. - Kevin Her vocabulary was very simple, so I decided to intentionally write her a love letter with very fancy words that I knew she wouldn't understand. At the end I simplified and expressed how I felt about her. Gone, trashed. Another favorite letter of mine, because I remember how I was feeling at the time, because I poured my sincerity out to her said: Although it's nice to write love letters, sometimes I feel like writting how much I love you doesn't explain it quite as well as showing you my love through my actions. My love for you is God-given. I love you Elisabel, through it all, no matter what happens, no matter how bad a problem between me and you; I will always love you and always have my arms wide open to receive you. I truly love you. I've made custom drawings of her as I'm very talented in fine arts, I've written poems and really did everything to show her my affection. As I've told her, I've tried my best. Deep down I know I will have the chance to meet someone who will cherish me in the future, and that I will apply what I've learned from this grieving experience and past relationship to fear God. Right now, it all seems somewhat improbable. I feel like I must have a good car, a home, and a great job to feel like I'm worthy of receiving a woman in my life even though that is a materialistic mindset. She was tired of fighting for the relationship, as she said. She was tired of not being able to see me at church because of how busy I was at work. I needed to pay rent and food for myself because I live alone. I couldn't afford seeing her. She expected me to act out in "faith" to go to church anyway, risking my week's gasoline, risking that I would not be able to go to work 25 miles away with the faith that God would provide. I was criticized because of my conservative attitude. She was fed up with me not changing for her, not understaing her behavior. It didn't feel fair for me, however, many times I didn't understand her behavior. I can go on and on, but it feels like this is vain already. I'm struggling right now. I lack self worth at the moment. I really thought I had a bright future with this woman. I truly loved her unconditionaly, I poured my heart out to her, and she, as a good christian, saw that I was being a burden to her faith, so she let me go. I can't knock her for that. It's too painful, specially when she would look at me with those wide open eyes, embrace me and speak so softly that she wanted to marry me. This haunts me. Will I find someone beautiful like that again? I don't want to compare, but then again, she was like a diamond to me. She was so beautiful inside and out. I miss her cat-like behavior. She would purr in my ear. She would cuddle against me. We would share our fanaties and wildest dreams about eachother together. I didn't ask for more. She did. Now I'm broken.