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umm I'm new to this forum so I'm not sure how this works. I fear losing my connection to God more that ever, God kinda saved me from myself last year and blessed me with the motivation to live and achieve my goals. I fear I can feel myself slipping away into the clutches of hate, self loathing and self harm again. I'm seeking answers well help I don't know, well I need motivation to work for my grades, to live and the only place I can get that is from God. I need help understanding and working on myself spiritually... I guess I haven't been able to set foot in a church in years due to traumatic experiences i endured when i was younger whereby I was isolated and bullied to the point that i decided not to go. Does this hinder growth can I strengthen my bond with God? How? How do i move past this? I guess I'm waffling but I fear that this is embarrassing that I'll be on my own again, and well lose all motivation to do anything.
Hey everyone! I'm back again with another update. Last time I left off with the basics. So to sum it up, I had feelings for a girl, things went badly, I moved, I went a whole year with no homo feelings, and now they are back. Just 6 months ago I was crushing HARD CORE on a guy. Then almost overnight, not kidding, overnight, the feelings towards him went away and now he almost... grosses me out. It's crazy I don't understand it and I don't expect anyone else to either. Softball is in full swing now (no pun intended) and tonight actually was out first Region 2A game. We won! I love playing a sport that requires social interaction with the other girls in order to succeed Its a need really, because I am such a talkative person. haha. I got a job refereeing at the YMCA and it starts soon. I will be getting payed $15 an hour which is AMAZING compared to my last job at a crappy restaurant where I only made $7.25. Im taking the AP spanish exam soon and It shouldn't be to hard for me because I lived in Central America for 3 years as yall know (from my previous posts). Enough with the little updates. Lets get to the real stuff now. It's so incredibly difficult to look at her and tell myself that she isn't flirting with me. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to convince myself of. I just stare into her eyes and pray that God takes the feelings I have towards her away. I am actually trying to channel my romantic energy into another source. Writing. I have tried to write books before but have gotten writer's block by the 3rd chapter and quit. This time I think it will be different. Everytime before I had just been writing for fun and just a spur of the moment decision. This time it is for a real purpose. I'm writing a romance novel. It sounds stupid but It really works. I get distracted by the beauty of the man and women relationship God designed for humanity so I forget about my queer feelings. Its insane that everytime I see her in the hall, I feel the need to say something. I try to tell myself to shut up but when she says something first, my heart flutters and my stomach gets all twisty. It's not okay! I want God to speak to me. I want him to just lay it out plain as day what I am supposed to do. I dont think thats how it works though, haha. All I can do is continue to pray. Thanks for reading! -Trapped in my journey
God bless you guys. I'd never though I'd feel like this in my life. I'm 22 years young, so I guess I'm still a baby to life. I'm feeling like my life isn't making sense right now. I feel like I'm somehow lost. I'm seeking God through this stage, but I can't help but feel depressed, lonely and hurt. I've recently been separated from my girlfriend of almost 6 years. My pain comes from this loss. We've planned everything we wanted for our future together. She decided to move on, as she told me she was praying and she felt God told her it was necessary to do so. I have to admit, I have strayed from the faith in the past, I have changed, I have sinned knowing it was a sin, and I have repented. My walk with God is not what it was 2 or 4 years ago. I'm not the same as before. I loved her. I loved her with everything I had. I sacrificed so much for her. I cared for her. It wasn't enough. I wasn't spiritual enough for her, as she told me. She has a point in a way. I was low in my faith for too long, I didn't show her the leader I should have been. We've been arguing to much. It was all a burden for her, and me as well. But I couldn't accept that separation would be an option. I loved her too much. I still respected her desicion. It's been a couple of weeks since that moment. My heart was in pieces. I felt cold. My strength was drained. My apetite shrunk. My heart would race. I couldn't sleep. My thoughts wouldn't stop. The twisting pain in my stomach wouldn't let me live normally. Thoughts of worthlessness would creep up on me. I felt so rejected. I didn't deny her, but she did deny me. I would promise to change, but it wasn't enough for her. Thoughts of her with another man, another family, another home, with other children, being intimate with another man would be the biggest torment in my mind. I've been waiting so long! Yet, we still lusted after one another, which happens, but my God... Maybe God wanted this to happen. I'm not suffering now what I've been suffering 2 weeks ago. Slowly my pain is lowering as the days go by. I beg and plead to God to help me, to not leave my side, to have mercy on me, to heal me, to hold me, to guide me. I'm desperate for acceptance. I'm desperate for love. I thank God always, even through this process, I still kneel to Him and He takes my pain away. He hasn't left me, yet I still feel like my life is now left to feel without purpose. I had a purpose to work hard for us to marry. That motivation is gone. What now? I feel stagnated. I want to focus on the Lord, but I can't help but feel this void in me. I feel like there is no progress in my life. I can't help but think, "Will I find someone that will love me?", "Will I find someone that will love God and want the same things I want for the future?" I've wanted these things since I understood the goodness of being a family man, a father, a husband, since I was younger in my elementary school days. I still hold that dream, but it feels shaken. It feels blurred. I can only rejoice in the fact that the Lord has held me. I can only rejoice that God still takes the pain away when I pray to Him. It keeps coming back however. The pain doesn't stop crawling back in my heart. I have to constantly keep begging God to heal me from this. I don't want to suffer this pain anymore. She said she loved me. She said she wanted to marry me and have children. She was so beautiful and unique. She was the woman I wanted to be my wife. "You're not spiritual, Kevin, you're not." For some reason any time I see something that resembles her or her congregation on FB, I feel as though a fiery arrow pierces my soul. I can't bear the thought that everything is dandy with her. I cannot see a picture of her without feeling such a pain. I still see brothers and sisters of the congregation that I don't visit anymore that post pictures that don't have her in them, but I fear I will see her in one of those pictures one day. It's somehow torturing. I feel like deleting those people who are generally in her circle for the sake of my sanity. I've done what I could to get rid of everything that has to do with her. Her sweet smell on my clothes would torment me. It reminded me of her room, so girly, so comfortable, so sweet-smelling. That Haiku perfume set I bought her, that's where that smell came from. I loved that smell on her, I would wrap myself around her and devour her in kisses, that's how good of a scent it was. Now, it only torments me. It reminds me totally of her tenderness. Somehow I couldn't detatch myself completely from that. Maybe it was the last physical thing I had left of her. She returned my love letters, I re-read them. I even read her love letters over again. She was madly in love. WAS, being the correct term. I can't help but admit how her love grew colder for me as time went by. This was someting very noticable in her letters. They started by hailing me for being her shoulder to cry on, her example of a mature person in her life to help her become a better person and how patient and gracious I was with her but then they usually started to sound like thank you letters. Thank you for being there and God bless you kind of letters. Very short, non-romantinc letters. They seemed more and more forced and hurried as I read each consecutive letter. It's all gone now, along with letters I poured my heart for her. I even made myself laugh at how genuine I was when I wrote her this letter that she gave back along with the rest: To Elisabel. Everything Has Its Time To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. And now, a love letter. The muscle that provides the necessary blood-flow in my sanguineous system produces a chemical reaction that alters my hormones with dopamine each time my person comes together with yours. The experiences and adventures with one another have created a constant neurotic manifestation in my cerebral cortex in an undefined area because I have no knowledge of it every time your memory comes to my mind. In other words, my heart races when I am with you, and my mind wonders when I think about you. Io te amo. - Kevin Her vocabulary was very simple, so I decided to intentionally write her a love letter with very fancy words that I knew she wouldn't understand. At the end I simplified and expressed how I felt about her. Gone, trashed. Another favorite letter of mine, because I remember how I was feeling at the time, because I poured my sincerity out to her said: Although it's nice to write love letters, sometimes I feel like writting how much I love you doesn't explain it quite as well as showing you my love through my actions. My love for you is God-given. I love you Elisabel, through it all, no matter what happens, no matter how bad a problem between me and you; I will always love you and always have my arms wide open to receive you. I truly love you. I've made custom drawings of her as I'm very talented in fine arts, I've written poems and really did everything to show her my affection. As I've told her, I've tried my best. Deep down I know I will have the chance to meet someone who will cherish me in the future, and that I will apply what I've learned from this grieving experience and past relationship to fear God. Right now, it all seems somewhat improbable. I feel like I must have a good car, a home, and a great job to feel like I'm worthy of receiving a woman in my life even though that is a materialistic mindset. She was tired of fighting for the relationship, as she said. She was tired of not being able to see me at church because of how busy I was at work. I needed to pay rent and food for myself because I live alone. I couldn't afford seeing her. She expected me to act out in "faith" to go to church anyway, risking my week's gasoline, risking that I would not be able to go to work 25 miles away with the faith that God would provide. I was criticized because of my conservative attitude. She was fed up with me not changing for her, not understaing her behavior. It didn't feel fair for me, however, many times I didn't understand her behavior. I can go on and on, but it feels like this is vain already. I'm struggling right now. I lack self worth at the moment. I really thought I had a bright future with this woman. I truly loved her unconditionaly, I poured my heart out to her, and she, as a good christian, saw that I was being a burden to her faith, so she let me go. I can't knock her for that. It's too painful, specially when she would look at me with those wide open eyes, embrace me and speak so softly that she wanted to marry me. This haunts me. Will I find someone beautiful like that again? I don't want to compare, but then again, she was like a diamond to me. She was so beautiful inside and out. I miss her cat-like behavior. She would purr in my ear. She would cuddle against me. We would share our fanaties and wildest dreams about eachother together. I didn't ask for more. She did. Now I'm broken.
Ok, so to fully know my situation, I've gotta tell you my life story. I grew up in a pretty stable, upper middle class household. When I was 7, however, my dad lost his job and we moved to a new house. 3 months after that, my parents started the process of divorce. However, it was not the divorce that ruined my life. Rather, it was school bullies that made my life awful. I was teased every day until i got to high school and got a fresh start, but back to the story. Before my parents divorced, my family didn't go to church much. my dad, now agnostic, grew up in a suppressive catholic household and my mom was presbyterian her whole life. After the divorce, I started going to church pretty regularly and started saying I was a christian. However at that time, I believed in the bible like i believed George Washington was our first president. I believed in it, sure; but I had no emotional connection. In the summer of 7th grade that all changed. I went to a summer camp that I had been going to for a long time. Only this time something in me was different. My heart was more open to God and one night, I felt God's presence for the first time. It was amazing and I was crying so much out of happiness that night. But after that encounter, nothing else felt the same. I would have these long dryspells where I never felt God. In that time I got into pornography and vanity. And from the bullying that had happened earlier in my life, I started to emotionally disconnect myself from others. I still had a normal social life and all on the outside; but on the inside, I was empty. Now I just don't know what to do. I feel that sin is what is blocking me but I'm not sure what. I still feel God's presence sometimes but it is not even a fraction of the strength as that encounter. I'm looking for a devotional of some sort or just any advice really that could help. Grace and Peace, Lukas