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Hey everyone! I'm back again with another update. Last time I left off with the basics. So to sum it up, I had feelings for a girl, things went badly, I moved, I went a whole year with no homo feelings, and now they are back. Just 6 months ago I was crushing HARD CORE on a guy. Then almost overnight, not kidding, overnight, the feelings towards him went away and now he almost... grosses me out. It's crazy I don't understand it and I don't expect anyone else to either. Softball is in full swing now (no pun intended) and tonight actually was out first Region 2A game. We won! I love playing a sport that requires social interaction with the other girls in order to succeed Its a need really, because I am such a talkative person. haha. I got a job refereeing at the YMCA and it starts soon. I will be getting payed $15 an hour which is AMAZING compared to my last job at a crappy restaurant where I only made $7.25. Im taking the AP spanish exam soon and It shouldn't be to hard for me because I lived in Central America for 3 years as yall know (from my previous posts). Enough with the little updates. Lets get to the real stuff now. It's so incredibly difficult to look at her and tell myself that she isn't flirting with me. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to convince myself of. I just stare into her eyes and pray that God takes the feelings I have towards her away. I am actually trying to channel my romantic energy into another source. Writing. I have tried to write books before but have gotten writer's block by the 3rd chapter and quit. This time I think it will be different. Everytime before I had just been writing for fun and just a spur of the moment decision. This time it is for a real purpose. I'm writing a romance novel. It sounds stupid but It really works. I get distracted by the beauty of the man and women relationship God designed for humanity so I forget about my queer feelings. Its insane that everytime I see her in the hall, I feel the need to say something. I try to tell myself to shut up but when she says something first, my heart flutters and my stomach gets all twisty. It's not okay! I want God to speak to me. I want him to just lay it out plain as day what I am supposed to do. I dont think thats how it works though, haha. All I can do is continue to pray. Thanks for reading! -Trapped in my journey
Many of you have read my other posts. It has been 1 year since I last posted. It's crazy... My life has been CRAZY. I had been living in Nicaragua last time I gave an update. I was telling you all about how I was going to be transitioning back to the USA. Well here I am. I'm living down South (in a state I had never been to before I moved here.) I went through a... oh I dont know... maybe 8 month phase of... Joy. I was playing the sport I love, Softball, (and made it onto varsity my first year here) I was in a semi-relationship with a guy that I liked. For the first time in my life I wasn't worried about the physical appearances of me or others. Infact, the guy I liked was NOT "attractive" at all. To me he was, well... is... But I mostly just saw his kind and God-loving heart. And that was all that mattered. Then something happened. People say that there will be a calm after a storm... They tell me to "stick it out." For me, I see it as there is always a storm after the calm. I was feeling on top of the world. Then all of a sudden, the world came crashing on top of me. Here it is... The feelings returned. If you don't know exactly what I mean, then I encourage you to look back at my post titled "Being... Different..." or the one called "I don't know what to do" or finally the one named "My trapped journey continues." Anyways, it has to do with softball season starting up again. I feel like I don't know who I am. I have even taken those crazy quizzes online. I keep asking myself. Why me God? WHY ME? I repeat this to myself daily, God never gives me more than he knows I can handle As of this month, the month that softball has started back up, that is what gets me to sleep every night. I know it is not what God wants for me. But not doing anything about my feelings just hurts my heart. The fact that the now 2 girls I have had these feelings for are both straight, makes me wonder if that is God telling me that it is wrong. I know that is weird. It probably isn't him saying that, but it not only hurts that I know it is wrong, but it also hurts that neither one of those girls feel/felt the same about me. I don't know for sure that the girl I have the feelings for now is straight, but when I think she is flirting with me, I have to realize she is just being nice. She treats me the same way she treats any other girl. and that hurts. So yup this is my update. Please comment your thoughts. Dont worry you can be honest with me. I want the truth, that is what I am seeking for. What should I do? Does anyone know or have any suggestions? Thanks for reading once again
So I wrote most of my testimony (a summed up version... I had to leave a lot out or I would've written a book!) in a post from June. Now a lot has happened since then. To sum up these last few months, I traveled to the USA with my best friend who is also a missionary here in Nicaragua, went to camp together (had an almost amazing time), came home, had a great first week of school, then felt things start to go downhill and then attempted suicide. Obviously I failed because oh look... Im still here. I don't want to be here, and I struggle to stay in the car every time we drive down a busy road when I have the opportunity to jump out. Thats how I tried to kill myself. Step one. I thought for weeks of the perfect way to do it. I didn't have a gun, I don't have the right pills to "put myself to sleep," I have no idea how to hang myself (I don't even have a place to do it or a rope to do it with) I don't know how to possibly drown myself, I don't have a garage to poison myself in (carbon dioxide) Ive thought of everything (and more other than these examples) and finally I realized, I live in a country where driving accidents are the #1 causes of death and every night the cars consist of mostly drunk people. Ah Nicaragua. The perfect place to jump in front of a car. It's kind of ironic. I went to Young Life (yes they have that here in Nicaragua, every single wednesday night. The only reason I ever go is because I feel like I have too. I feel like I have to keep up with the social lives around me. I need to be in every little conversation so I know what is going on. I feel like if I'm not hanging out with people 24/7 than I will be replaced. This might have to do with the fact that Im also in love with my best friend. I get jealous every time she's with a guy even just hanging out. I feel like I must intervene. I don't feel jealousy in the moment. But when I think about it later, its then I realize I felt that way because I was jealous.) and at young life I wore all black. Step 2 of my plan... Then for step 3 I had asked in advance what games we would be doing that night. One of the games was where almost everyone was blindfolded. My friend (we will call her Juliet... this is not the one I am in love with) she knew a little bit of my plan. Juliet said she was going to keep an eye on me all night but I had already gotten around this. While she was blindfolded I snuck out around the side of the house. I walked out the gate and stood in the road. Just waiting. I had picked out a spot a few weeks before, when we had been at the same house that young life (its not always at the same house) the spot was covered by trees and was at the bottom of a hill and there was no street light there. The perfect location. Step 4. Then I had to wait... and pray. No cars came... not one... it was a not extremely busy road but one where cars FLEW by so fast... But that night... not one went by. not one. Let me also mention that on the past Monday my mom made a dinner date with me for thursday, on Tuesday My bible study teacher made me a lunch date for saturday, and a guy asked me at school on Wednesday to the movies for that friday night. All of these things made it even harder to do what I had to do on wednesday. God had some steps of his own. Step One. Have amazing outings with people I enjoy spending time with the days right after I wanted my death to be... Step 2... Have NO cars show up in the place where I was supposed to step in front of one. And then step 3... They stopped the game early because it started raining and moved everyone inside so Juliet noticed I was gone sooner than I could kill myself. Juliet came out yelling my name and looking for me. She found me and I sank to the ground and started crying and crying and crying. I just sat there and told her that I had to do it and that I just had to. She wrapped her arms around me and sat down with me. Then Juliet's boyfriend came out and sat down... He had no idea what was going on but just new I was crying. (we will call her boyfriend Romeo) Romeo just sat there and I said "what are you doing out here its raining" and he responded "I don't care that it's raining. We are your friends. We care about you. Im not going anywhere. And then she came out (we will call her Ann... yes, this is the one I can't help but care very deeply about. She doesn't care about me as deeply as I care about her. I know it... I haven't told her but she knows that I have had feelings for the same gender before. It scares me... It grosses me out a little honestly. But when I look at her... I can't... I just can not help but feel it. I have prayed for almost 3 years for these feelings to go away because I know they are wrong... but so far no luck.) Ann came out and didn't say a word. I told her to go inside and I felt horrible for ruining the fun. She just sat and said it wasn't any fun anyways. We are opposites basically. I cry in public, she doesn't, I am so touchy, she isn't, I'm an introvert, she's an extrovert, she is beautiful... gorgeous actually... and I'm... not... She's popular, I'm not. The boy I convinced myself that I needed to like in order for those feelings to go away, he liked her. still does, and because she really doesn't show a lot of emotion, flirts with him and chats with him 24/7 even when I tell her that it hurts my feelings. She hurts me so much... Yet I can't live without her... Because without her I would be alone. Ann makes me smile and laugh and cry all at the same time. She hurts me but saves me from hurt all at once. I run to her when I need someone to talk to and she says "I don't know what to say." We are opposite ends of a magnet and we attract. We never get tired of each other. We push the other down but go down with her. We pull the other up and stand up with her. We can't get enough. Were like a key and a lock, we fit. Perfectly. But the path is bumpy along the way. Our friendship builds up like a wave... Then it crashes. Then builds up again... and then crashes... A never ending cycle. And we can't get enough. This is how I would explain it anyway. She would say all that in one sentence. Like I said, she doesn't show emotion. But she has it. And every once in a blue moon I see it... Just the tiniest bit. But it't there, I know it. I make it sound so... almost... romantic... but thats how I feel, my human body wants it to be so much more than a friendship. Sometimes I even feel like I just might kiss her. But then I remember how I can't. How she doesn't feel the same way and how I would ruin our friendship and how that's not God's plan for me. But how can I get rid of these thoughts. How do I go on? I finally got up from the curb of the street and we all saw the bus round the corner that would take us back to our school and then where we would get picked up by our parents from there. Gods final little edit to my plan... the bus was inching like a turtle and the whole ride home we went 2 miles an hour. traffic... seriously God? If he doesn't want me to die... what is his plan for me. I don't see it. I feel miserable. Why can't I be with him now? Why... Why? Thanks for reading everyone. Please comment. Reading the comments really help. I will answer any questions also But now my journey goes on. My journey where I Just...Feel...Trapped
This is the quick story of me in this LITTLE world guided by my BIG God July 1999. The OBGYN doctor of Boston Massachusetts Hospital is stuck in traffic. Who is left in the hospital? Mom, Dad, a baby on the way and the brand new nurse in training. Dad is passed out on the floor and the nurse is plastered against the wall. Mom manages to scream enough that the nurse puts herself together and delivers that 7 pound baby girl. Me. I am the oldest of the 2 kids in my family. My sister being 3 years younger. I have been in and out of Hospitals from the day I was born. Doctors try and comfort me by telling me that "there's always one "sick kid" in the family." I'm the kid who always gets the flu, stomach virus, diariah, food poisoning, bladder infections, bronchitis, laryngitis, migraines, and extreme cramps (on periods)... The kid who needs surgeries, endoscopies, colonoscopies... The kid who has allergies and needs and EpiPen... The kid who can't make it through one school year without being sent home sick at least 3 times... The kid whose mom has to bring her the medication she forgot to take before going to school, and give all 6 pills to her in front of the entire class. Yes, I am that kid. I had my first Grand Mal (physical shaking) seizure at 3 years old. We were at that time living in Maine, and the closest hospital... well... wasn't that close. By the time my parents had called the hospital and had brought me in... the seizure had stopped. They sent me home and said it was most likely dehydration. Oh... I forgot... The reason they suspected dehydration was because that previous month I threw up everyday for 1 month straight. Yes... every, single, day. The doctors couldn't figure out why, and to this day the only one who knows why that happened is the Lord, but that is what my seizures were originally blamed on. Over the next week I had 3 other seizures, all at home. Which means none where seen by any doctors. The only reason my mom knew for sure they were seizures I was having, was because her sister, my aunt, has epilepsy. hmmm see where I am going with this? After many frustrating difficult doctor visits to doctors all over the country, I was put on some random medications on and off and things started to dial down. No more seizures, I had grown out of my milk allergy, and things were... good Beginning of October, my 7th grade year. I don't remember much, but I remember being on the couch with my parents leaning over me explaining they had found me on the floor screaming eyes wide open. I don't remember that. I do remember seeing flashing colors and standing in the dining room talking to my dad. You know after you loo into a bright light for to long, you see spots of yellow green red black white and other colors? Thats exactly what I remember. But there were no bright lights. In fact it was night time. My parents didn't know what to think but they called my pediatrition and told her what happened. She told them to get me a good night sleep and let me stay home from school the next day. I don't really remember the next day. I remember bits and pieces. I remember being down in my basement with my dad trying to calm me down (a finished basement not a creepy like dark cell haha) and I remember throwing things at my mom. The slightest things she said got me upset and I remember trying to hurt her and my dad. I bit my dad. I remember that clearly. They put me in the car and drove me to the Emergency room where they gave me sedatives and put me in a small EXTREMELY hot room. A lady came in and asked me some questions and offered me a drink or a snack all the while I remember acting completely normal and responding politely to everything. I stayed the night at the hospital and was released in the morning. They scheduled me for and EEG and an MRI to be happening in the next week. While waiting for tests and procedures to take place in the next week I stopped going to my school and entered into a day program at Shepard Pratt (we were then living in Maryland). Shepard Pratt is a mental institution. I remember all the days going there. Wake up at 5, get on the bus at 5:30, get there at 6:30, spend the day there, get on bus at 7:30, be home at 8:00. I was by far the sanest of them all. I was put in the younger group by accident (4-10 year olds) and when asked if I would rather change groups I said no. I was fine with coloring all day rather than doing the sketch stuff going on in the "Big Kid" room. We talked about our feelings, ate lunch and snack, worked on worksheets, and had one on one time with the therapist assigned to each on of us. Once again I acted normal and like I didn't even know why I was there. By the end of the first week there I just wanted to go back to school. When my parents got the tests back saying I had Epilepsy, Depression, and was bipolar (along with a whole slue of other stuff) they decided I would be in the program a few more weeks while they got me on good medications. Here is where my memory fades again. I remember deciding that was NOT what I wanted to do. So I ran away. There were some woods at the end of my street and so I decided to just walk and walk and walk until I don't even know. I found a tree house that was far enough away from any houses so I decided to hide in it. I played games on my phone and just sat there, shivering and crying out to God. "WHERE ARE YOU?" I was trapped in my own decisions. I couldn't blame it on him... how can any of us blame anything on God?! Are we really so blind to everything he has given us and everything he does for one a daily basis? Who are we to not take responsibility for the things that happen to us. We are the ones at fault and I have no respect for the people who say otherwise. Yes, we slip up and its okay to cry out to God and even to get angry with him, but not to live this life not owning up to we, humans, creating sin in the first place. When they found me in the woods at about 11:00 PM that night (My grandfather was the one to find me... a bunch of people were looking for me... grandparents, aunts, uncles, foster siblings (we use to do foster care), my sister, my parents, neighbors (that was embarrassing). They told me they were just about to call the police. They locked me in my room that night and I didn't even have any tears left to cry. I got no hugs no comfort at all. Not even from my parents... nobody seemed to care once I had been found... They acted like it was a game. "Who can find her first?" I was waken up by my mom telling me to pack some things because I was going to be sleeping somewhere else for just a few nights. Instead of these day programs I had been doing, I was then admitted as an "In-Patient." I slept in a creepy white room like you see on the movies. the bed and dresser nailed to the floor. I was locked in the room at night. The bathroom was huge (that was a plus nice shower!) The worst parts were the nights. I could here the girl in the room next to me screaming. She was 6 and I tried to be nice and actually played with her. She was recovering from abuse and had horrible nightmares. She had a mental illness and would lash out at people and hurt them. I was again put in the younger aged group. Apparently the girls next door (the 11-18) where in for "harsher" and way more "difficult" treatment. It sounded really scary... It wasn't that bad there.... Whenever you were good you got tokens and then you could buy toys to play with. I just did some puzzles. They even had a wii room. I'm not insane. I have an epilepsy that makes it so I have internal seizures that cannot be seen by other people. My brain misfires electrical signals which make me act out and feel crazy emotions (depression or anger) for no reason. Im not insane I repeat. I was just in there because I was harming people when I got angry. I was harming myself also. I learned to have a healthy fear. I learned that sometimes God allows us to go through things to show us how much he can offer and how much better his offer is. My mind learned to accept some things because of the experience at Shepard Pratt. I was locked in. Trapped. The first snow of the season came and I could only see it from my window. I had to wear the same clothes every other day. I only could see my family at the 1 hour visiting hour Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Girls (and guys I guess) don't be afraid to lash out. Do it. Be crazy, laugh at yourself and others, be truthful, and don't hide your emotions. Because after you go through those experiences I PROMISE YOU you will walk away with something learned. And if you look at it just the right way, and think about it just enough, you will see God through it. No matter what. Do it. My medications were fixed, and I was on the road to recovery and living for God and I decided to call my mom for the first time. (I hadn't been accepting her calls during calling hours) I told her that I was ready to come home and she started crying on the phone. I got first 3 hours out of the house, then 6, then 9, and soon I was spending the night at home I even got to go trick or treating The middle of November I went home. Ive had many ups and downs but today life is so different. I now live in Managua, Nicaragua Central America as a Missionary. I struggle with depression, and cutting. You know what? I pray not more than I ever have in my entire life. I rely on God more than ever. Even though I still struggle (an almost attempted suicide) God has brought the most amazing people into my life. You have no idea what I go through. I struggle with being "in the closet" but I truly believe it is not what God wants for me so I do nothing about it. I pray for feelings to go away, and I have better days than others. The reason I have those better days are because of my faith in the Lord. I will never be perfect so I won't try. But I will try to do everything God wants of me and to follow the path he has planted in front of me. Even when I am trapped in this little world I will remember how BIG my God is and How Great his plans are for me, and because of that, I cannot EVER and will not EVER give up. John 14:13 12"Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.13"Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14"If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it.