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Confessions


HopeCline
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Can't you see that you're smothering me,

Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

'Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

And every second I waste is more than I can take.

All I want to do is more like me and be less like you.

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You have no idea what I've lost. I've lost things that you will never understand. Don't talk to me like a child who knows nothing of the pain found in one's bones after losing everyone they've ever known. I know what it's like to lose everyone; to stand the test of time until there is no one left, only me. You don't know what loss is. If you did, you could see it in my eyes and hear it in my voice. You have no clue.

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Can I just stop living for a little bit? Please? Honestly I don't see why I try anymore. I'm always ending up hurt... I thought God stopped me from killing myself for YOU, but he didn't. You just turned out as another reason to quit. I don't even know where to go or what to do anymore...

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I have lost a pastor, a mentor, and a friend. Your time spent here was nothing less than complete love for not only Christ but those around you. You were the reason I ever even began to recover from my grandma's death, and I'm sitting here reflecting on all of the things that you said at her service as I try to get through yours. I love you.

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I don't know how I can deal with this. Suddenly finding out that you've never really been interested in him, and both of us realising that we still have strong feelings for each other... so soon after what happened last week. I don't know what to think, and I'm definitely going to need time to deal with what's going on in my head right now.

Also, please turn your phone on. You know how I worry about you, especially after conversations like the one last night. Please don't suddenly drop out of contact after throwing something so huge back into my life.

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I hate the way we're always fighting. I can never do anything right, can I? I can never be your favorite, right? You say that you don't practice favoritism, but I can see the clear dislike and disdain in your eyes when you look at me. You don't know how the way you talk me down makes me feel insecure and inferior. I'm not as tough as you think I am. And I'm getting tired of it. You don't know the things I think about doing to myself, so don't push me over the brink.

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Please just pass me. It's 4 points. I have an A in the class, I've completed everything else and I tried to complete those, really I did you just won't take them! Give me zeroes. I don't care! Just take the assignments... I know it's not really your fault, it's mine for not being able to communicate effectively, for being intimidated by simple email conversations and putting stuff off, for being a neurotic idiot bent on self-sabatoge. I hate this. I hate waiting. I don't want to walk the stage, I don't want to have to lie to my family. Heck, I don't want my family here at all really. It's just nerve wracking. I need to buy heels and haven't done it. I'm hardly packed. I just wan't to curl up and a ball and cease to have any awareness of the next 24 hours... maybe ever. I don't care. GAH! Why am i freaking out about this? I'm probably ok. This is a good thing. Right? RIGHT? ._.

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I salute and I'm amazed to those who have SSA especially if they are a Christian, they might be struggling but they have hope in God. They do their best to be clean, to be pure, to be straight, to be pleasing in the eyes of God even if it costs their happiness. Someday, they'll be free, they'll see the glory of God. For now, hold on my friend, hold on, people may hate you because of it, but to us we love you and there's a God who loves you. :D

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