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Confessions

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I wish you could promise me you'd pull through this. I wish you knew just how much I need you. Nothing is ever gonna change that. Not even when you're in Heaven without me. I wish I knew for sure you'd be able to walk again, and sit at the dining room table playing Boggle with the cousins and I again. I love you so much, and I just wish you knew how much. Don't die, please. That's all I ask. I need you. ♥

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IRL:

- Why don't you ever do things for yourself? I can't always do things for you. I won't always be willing to do things for you... u_u

- I don't understand why you don't understand.

- We need to hang out again! Srsly. <3

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Why do you keep telling me that if I don't date around, I'll regret it the rest of my life? That I can't fall in love with one person, and stay in love with them? That since he's not "perfect" in every sense of the word, I have to go find someone "better". He's my best friend. He's sweet, kind, affectionate, and loving. He's dedicated to God and to me. He's smart, silly, serious, insightful... everything I want in a guy.

Why can't you see our amazing relationship? Why can you only see the negative? You see that I apologize all the time, that's because of YOU, not him, YOU'RE the critical one, not HIM.. You haven't seen how he reacts to that - "Why are you apologizing? You have nothing to apologize for :)" *playfully sticks gumdrop on nose* You say he makes me too serious, that I'm not carefree? Well we are plenty carefree, just not when you're around! We have thousands of inside jokes that you don't get, thousands of affectionate gestures that you don't see because when we're affectionate you say you're not comfortable with it because we're TOO CLOSE and TOO COMFORTABLE with each other. For pete's sake we haven't even kissed and it's been over a year. You can just see that we love each other and aren't afraid to show it, and you don't want your precious first born daughter to fall in love with a giant who you seem to think will become a controlling and manipulative and evil monster the moment we tie the knot.

Am I "too attached?" The only way I could be "too attached" to him would be to love him more than God. I struggle against that sometimes, like any couple... but would never choose that because God is the only unchangeable. I for certain love him more than YOU sometimes, is that what you're scared of? Don't worry, if you're nice to us after we're married we'll only spend a few years in a different state. Promise.

Maybe if you'd accepted him in the first place then that wouldn't be necessary. Your "clean slate" that you want? We're doing our part. HE's doing HIS part. You just don't know how to let go. He'd do anything for your acceptance, he respects you, he treats you with love, and yet you get your knickers in a twist about the fact that he feels uncomfortable around you and refuse to accept him. Idiosyncrasy much?

You say it's "unhealthy"... well it's only because you arbitrarily decided you hated us. No wonder we have to talk when you're not around. It's not secretive. What's secretive is you telling me all this stuff and expecting me not to share it with him. As if he doesn't deserve to know that his girlfriend's mom has a secret agenda against him. What's secretive is expecting me to NEVER tell ANYONE about the way you act towards my father, who for pete's sake is squished beneath your almighty hand. What's secretive is telling me to leave him, and expecting me to NOT talk to him about it before I make a decision.

It is NOT secretive. To talk to him in my room. When I hate being downstairs with you.

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This year has been a total roller coaster, and I really thought we'd still be friends. But, I don't know how that will work. You don't give a crap about hearing my opinion, and everything is terrible. You became who you said you wouldn't. How am I supposed to respond to that? :/

I have so many problems making friends. It's not that I dislike you, or don't want any friends, I do! But, I don't know. I just can't seem to make that little connection, and just go for it, instead of being a chicken. It takes a while for me to be myself around people. Maybe that's because I care what everyone thinks of me too much. I'm sorry...

I haven't done everything right, but I do try. I do.

It sometimes feels like you don't even notice, and sometimes that's just a little rough.

I really appreciate you listening to me when I need -someone- to listen, even though I don't always want your advice, it's still nice that someone will let me talk even while I'm just being whine-y.

I really respect you. I know I don't always act it, but I do.

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And once again I get my hopes up. I'm being responsible, I'm thinking ahead, planning for variables AND EVERYTHING. And then you go and ruin it all. It's like I can never do anything right for you.It sickens me how persnickety you are. You're whiny, bossy, and ungrateful. How about YOU get a life? At least I have friends.

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Your people tell me that, everything you do is because you love me. That you are love, you are the word. I am at a loss for words and love right now. Can you come back to me?

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1. Its called Uncondtional Love,which is why I will always be there for you.

2. Yeah, theres not one day that SOMETHING doesnt remind me of you.

3. I know that God is the only one who can change your heart, and you know...thats something I pray for all the time.

4. I am so proud of you, you know that?

5. I beleive that you can be the person you once were, and ever greater!...I know, and beleive you can.

6. I miss you, terribly.

7. I see Gods potential in you and in your life to be something so great, I just wish you could understand that without questioning me.

8. You know how I always messed with you about your silly little jokes, well I really thought they were cute and even sometimes..funny.

9. your laugh....well thats something I long to hear again.

10. I miss the old you.

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Thank you for treating me like a human again :)

You are an awesome friend. I'm so glad you're back!

I'm glad you're my roommate!

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I HATE you. But I hate that I have nothing to hate about you. You're perfect, your laugh, your smile. What do I do? I thought we were made for each other..

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I feel like I'm being called to do this, but now that I look at the application I realize I'm going to face some resistance from my family. One session would work timewise for me, one of four but the rest? If I roll one of them It'll take some serious consideration. I'm not trying to diss you my family! I'm just trying to follow God's call! And this is my last chance I think... for this kind of thing at least. If I'm willing to ditch an Alaskan cruise to do this shurly you'll see how important it is too me?.... or maybe something else is in the cards?

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I've never understood how things like that happen. I'm happy for you, but still. Is it luck or is God working? I guess I can't help but feel a little jealous. I say I don't want it to happen to me, but at the same time I do, or maybe I'm just in a strange mood. I really don't know. -sigh- I'm confused.

I'm still not sure how I feel about being a pea in your pod. It's still a really awkward thought to me. I don't want to be less of a friend to you, but I still want to be myself, my own person.

It was empty all day today, and I'm not sure how I felt about that. It was nice not having 6+ people around, but at the same time I missed it. I want a happy medium.

My heart breaks for you.

And you

And you

You are one of my favorite people of all time :3

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I've been cheating on you with him....it... whatever you want to call this other one,whio leads me astray.

Why do I follow him? Why can't I follow you? My soul longs for you like a deer for green grass,like a fish for water,like a nerd for his xbox...

Why...do I always fail you? I'm sorry, Jesus. ;_;

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It was a terrible fight.

were it begun on the empathy of another, some slow building righteous anger. So that it burst through and was seen and you stopped to listen.

But it was not and the anger was quick and a flash behind your eyelids. Slow to dissipate in the sudden. And the flash left a burn that healed like a blister. To fester til you peeled the skin away. The wound lingers.

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I`m sorry I'm not the perfect child, but I try. which seems to be more than I can say for you. I mean, do you REALLY have to blow me off? Wow.

seriously, They might not agree with you, but They aren'T evil and I would appreciate it if you didn't say they are in the future.

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Where to begin...

I just got back from what was quite possibly the best, happiest week of my life. This winter break was the best one ever. I got to visit new places, travel a lot, and see the most important person in my life. And I've never felt more at home anywhere. Honestly. I know that sounds totally lame and most people would roll their eyes if I said that to them in person, but seriously. I loved it there. I got into this living routine that I could have kept going for a good, long while. It didn't even register that I had to leave until I got back. You know how usually when you get done with a good time and it's all over, it feels like it was a dream for a little while? Well this is reversed. I feel like I'm in a horrible dream right now, and eventually I'll just wake up back in Washington. Buuuuut...that's not gonna happen. It sucks.

Now I'm utterly depressed from leaving Washington. My mom is having surgery tomorrow. I'm driving back to a school I hate in a few hours. I don't know what classes I'm going to take STILL. I have an unpaid parking ticket I forgot about. I need to see if I'm still hire-able.

I hate reality checks.

Sometimes I wish I was an emotionless zombie.

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Sometimes I wish I was an emotionless zombie.

You can be! Just listen to some music by Lady Gaga or Justin Beiber followed by some reading of the Twilight series and all the other vampire books that came.

Confession time

I think its close to time to tell you that I love you.

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1) Why? You tell me you can barely afford to buy food but you're going to spend $400 on a new video game console for your nephew!? Why don't you tell him that due to your declining health, and having to go to hospital every single day, you simply can't afford it?? Even a ten year old should be able to understand that, and if he doesn't, it's his own fault. And this might sound uncharitable, but why do I suspect that you're probably shouting your girlfriend each time you go out with her as well?

2) I wish I could choose which memories I wanted and which ones I didn't. Perhaps the events in the past have had a large role in shaping who I am, but that doesn't mean my imagination has to remind me of them almost every single day. I'm sure lots of other people have experienced "landmark memories" from when they were young which they can't actually remember.

3) Why? Why did you come back?

4) I just wish I could fly away on angel's wings, away from everything.

5) I really hope this all pays off in the end, otherwise I'll be disappointed.

6) What's the point in saying "I wish I had known you more?" Even if I knew this would happen... what could I have done to get to know you more beforehand? :(

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Every time I see someone who looks like you, I think of you, and it makes me sad. :( (x2)

I love you so much, and I'm really glad that I can actually help you this time 'round. It makes me hart all werm end fuzzay inside. :3

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