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HopeCline

Confessions

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I miss you, and I hate you, and I love you all at the same time and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't stop thinking about it or what we've become.

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I really really really love you. I want to keep you for forever, get married, and make little people with you. but you'll never know. >.<

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The semester hasn't even progressed past the "heres your syllabus, now get out" stage yet and I'm already feeling immensely intimidated. Is it another semester to be spent as a friendless study-hermit? Sure looks like it.... I love school, I really do I'm a voracious learner but I'm just not up to par with everyone no matter how much I try. I'm a science geek who sucks at anything sciency.... And I feel like I'm not living right, not in a moral way.... but just not living.

If you two left I would be torn apart. Thank you for loving me even in my stupidity....

I love reading what you write, it just gives me so much hope. Thank you.

Ya'll are awsome.

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I wonder if anyone realizes how easy it would be for me to just jump in my car and go. Forget about everything that's going on here, and just leave. The temptation is overwhelming, and I've seriously weighed the pros and cons. I'm beginning to wonder if it wouldn't be worth it...

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IRL,

- Boy am I glad that was a dream. Ruggedness? Haha, that's not me.

- Last night you asked me, well the group, but whatever, what was one thing that I needed to work on in my life? I'm going to say here what I didn't there. "One of the things I need the most is someone to be my accountability partner, to keep tabs on me every day and ask how I'm doing." The problem is, I didn't neccesarily want it to be you. If I said that there, then you would have probably offered, and what? Am I going to deny your offer? Anyway, you have a lot going on. If you were that partner to me it would seem like just another thing you have to do.

- CTF, please get rid of the pop-up ad. I can't go on here as much as I would have on my little mobile device which has no pop-up blocker becasue I'm redirected to the ad. Annoying.

- D-Now is going to be awesome. That aside, why in the world would we be going to the SNL service? As I've heard, we get the same message the next morning, which is part of the D-Now tradition. Now, why are we filling up our saturday night with a double of what we will hear later? That seems like a waste of time and a desperate "We'll make them go so they can see the service so they can see how awesome it is and will want to come to the church." Waste. Of. Time. I'd rather prank with more live animals.

- I'm not sure ;__;. I had it all planned out, but now he's got me thinking. But I still want to be really good friends. Agapella.

- I don't want anyone ('cept one :P) to get thoughts that I like them... I'm just a nice guy o_o I'm sorry.

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*Stop. Greeting. Me. Every. Time. You. Meet. Me. We live in the same house. It's not necessary to say something every time we bump into one another. It ticks me off irrationally. Not to mention every time you do say something, it sounds stupid. GRAH. Just learn to think before you speak and you don't have to say stupidly obvious things. >.<

*I do not like adolescent boys being overly familiar with me. O_o Especially obnoxious ones like you.

*Ah...you kind of hurt my feeling, y'know? But whatever. I don't usually hold grudges and I'm not about to start. *shrug* But there might be some residual grudgieness for a while, because for some reason it hit a nerve.

*It feels really weird when I realize that the person I grew up with in church, who is exactly the same age as me, is getting married to a dirtbag tomorrow. And you're having a child in May. Sometimes, you really lack common sense. But whatever. Have a nice life. I'll be around.

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1.) Dude! Why are you so preachy all the time? I know you're a few years older than me and are just trying to be a good influence on me, but quit it with the cliches!! I'm not your life student..daughter..little sister..apprentice or anything of that sort! When you more or less told me to stop complaining bout my life today,it reminded me of why I blocked you these past few weeks. The last thing I needed was a lecture! I'm trying so hard to give you a chance to be a friend(cause no offense,you are terrible at mentoring) but you are failing epically. And the worst part is,you probably think I'm some dumb teen girl whining about her grades and a boy..but there is so much more to it than that..and if I tell you the full truth,you'll try to preach to me about that and come up with a quick fix for that problem but you can't..you just can't!

2.) Different dude!(lol) You know I've had a crush on you in eighth grade, but what you don't know is I purposely ignored you for a few months to try to get over the crush..you don't have to ignore me now for revenge or whatever! I just want to talk to you as friends. Is that so illegal? I'd message you this, but I know you probably don't even care anymore :(

3.) I love you, youth group leader. Thanks for everything..you've helped me with my stress in life but what you don't know is you're saving me from cutting..maybe someday after I graduate I'll tell you,maybe I'll tell everyone..if I'm ready.

(That felt good,and beats telling the actual person! lol Thanks for this topic! )

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I'm not gunna lie. I got pretty mad. I don't know how I'm going to handle this, but I know that I still want you around at the end of it. But I can't help but question it all. Did I waste my time? I was evidently wrong, but should I have known it all along? Were you just playing along, or did you mean any of it? It kills me inside. >.<

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Wow, you guys SAY you care about me, but you do all this? Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I could walk away from all of this without you caring at all. It makes me mad, to be honest. I've tried. Everything that I know to do, I've done over and over again. You're totally unresponsive. It's like I don't exist apart from being angry. Well, in your mind. What you haven't noticed, is that in the last few years, I've been HAPPY more often than ANGRY. But, I don't see why you would notice, considering that everything I do just pisses you off. And, honestly, when doing what you want me to do, and being what you want me to be pisses you off, it kinda makes me mad too. Honestly, I've put all of my effort into THIS relationship lately. You don't even care. You're so obsessed with getting me to turn out the way you want me to, that you don't even KNOW me anymore. That's pretty sad, being that you're my parents and all. I don't know what to do. Honestly, if in order for me to turn out good, we have to have a crap relationship, where we're always getting mad at each other over absolutely nothing, I'd rather just not turn out. And I know it's not just you. But, it seems like you don't try. I'm always gonna love you though. <333

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Why does doing the right thing feel so much like doing the wrong thing? Looking back, I wish I had handled things differently from the very beginning, because I never wanted to hurt you. But I did. And now I don't know what to do.

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I'm beginning to think the Friend Zone is actually my best friend. I don't know why I ever think about leaving it.

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-You know what your problem is? You dive into things too quickly...now, I'm not saying be paranoid and doubt every good thing that comes your way, I'm just saying to be careful. You make yourself vulnerable, and honestly, I care enough about you to the point that it worries me. You're an awesome person... so just... be careful. :3

-And you know what YOUR problem is? <.< You're paranoid. Seriously. You act like you're protecting people, but in reality, you're just pushing them away. Just because you acted one way doesn't mean that everyone will act like you did. Your kids are grown...if you raised them right, which I'm convinced you did, then they'll be fine. You have to learn to trust them at some point.

-Aaaaand. Yeah. I think I'm finally coming out of this funk I've been in since I left. O_o I never thought I'd be the kind of person to wallow in something like that, but when I tried to pull myself out of it, I thought about it more, which just hurt more. And then I got to thinking... Why should I feel guilty for feeling something? I think that I've restricted myself from feeling any sort of negative emotion... it's weird. I'm just now realizing this. And really, it was all to "uphold my reputation." I didn't want to be seen as the downer, or have anyone feel sorry for me. I LIKE being the happy one all the time. ^_^

But even the happy people go through things that upset them...and I'm not talking about minuscule things that they blow out of proportion...but things that actually affect them. *shrug* Yeah...but now that that's over, I can go back to being happy again. :3 Which...I am. ^_^ I consider myself a pretty lucky person.

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Wow, guys. Way to get me all excited about Grandpa going home, and then tell me that there was never a guarantee that he would.

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You are different, so different. Never have I before fell for someone a little more everytime they did something. With you it's been every laugh, every look, every confused what the heck is going on face, every smile, every word, I fall deeper in love with you.

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I love you so much, it's pathetic, to be honest.

Hang in there, girl. You wont be living with him forever, and when you're all done with this, you might never have to see him again, if that's your wish. Keep strong. Hope you can come this summer. <333

Seriously, guys? DROP THE ATTITUDE. I know that the knowledge of two of his children fighting is the LAST thing Grandpa needs right now, but I sorta wish he knew. 'CAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE YOU'D LISTEN TO. Honestly, everyone else has told you to give it up, and give eachother room to breathe. Is that so hard?! 'Cause you're making life hell for the rest of us.

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Just because that's all there is to see, doesn't mean that's all there is.

Oh no!!!

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