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HopeCline

Confessions

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Stay away from that, It's not 'stay away from me'. Stay away from that. Don't talk about it, quit thinking about it. Leave it where it is. Forget the impact it had on us. Forget why we left in the first place. Just stay here with me and slowly die. No, actually, help me kill it. All those things you wanted to think, to feel, cut it out. Especially since there isn't a reason for you to think like that in the first place. It's disrespectful. You need to respect me because I am your mother. You wouldn't be here without me. I of course desire your sincere respect. But you should respect me simply because it is what people will see when they enter our home. Especially since in a small second hand way, my actions could have been interpreted as decisions made for your sake.

However, first and foremost, this is for me. For once we're going to do this for me and you're going to do your best to help my dreams come true. Other wise I'll cry, and bring up old issues and suck every last bit of patience you've ever possessed from you. And then you'll cave, simply because you love me. Because I know you'll never leave me alone. Because the worst thing you've ever done to me is disagree.

((Then at the end of the year, when I'm content and settled with my job, and my children are well behaved for my boyfriend's mother to see when she visits, I'll think about how you don't sit in the same room with me anymore, I'll suddenly realize you snap at your siblings a little more than you used to, I'll watch you closely and wonder why you always have such dark bags under your eyes. I'll try to listen to the any subtle undertones in your voice when I talk to you and I'll remember how you used to joke around with me. I'll see the restless way you're outside walking for hours. I'll look into your eyes and see nothing. I'll hear nothing in your voice.

Will I wonder why? Will I try and talk to you then, see what's wrong with my baby girl. Because I'm a good mother who would never neglect her children.))

I have issues too, you're not the only one struggling with anything. My life is sooo messed up. I've been through three horrible marriages. I hate how I look. I wish I were younger so I could go dancing, so I'd have initiative to lose this weight. You sit back there with your brother, sooo antisocial, you never come out unless you're looking for food, or unless we're all in bed. Why don't you want to spend time with your family?

You never eat left overs. I feel so unappreciated. I cook when I'm not on the computer. I clean when I'm not on the computer too. I do all sorts of things when I'm not sitting in front of the computer. You children should see me during the day. Your oldest sister doesn't know what she's talking about when she says I've superimposed the life I desire on Secondlife. The oooonly thing I do on that game is get on and write dances. That's all I have to have fun. My dances. I don't know why, I just like watching the stick thin long hair barbie doll avatar that's the representation of me, dance these dances in clothes I'd never be able to wear in real life and feel pretty in. Is that really so messed up? Am I really wrong for wanting to play a little?

Please help me, my baby girl, with your older sister. Please tell me how to get her to love me again. I know you can do it. You've always been my sweet hearted little buffer.

I don't want you to take my sister's side. I don't want to make you think bad of her, but you have nooo idea what she's done. So don't sit there and try to defend her to me, even though you're not talking about her. I know what you're thinking. Even when you don't say it, why do you respect her and not me? She left her husband, her kids. I'd neeever leave you, I know I said I would a few times, but I was drunk baby girl. You know I didn't mean it. You know I love you. You love me too right? You don't hate me like your older sister does right?

Besides, you and I understand each other. We both went through the same things as children. Except I didn't have a mother to save me from those horrible times like you did. I've told you in detail what would happen to me, I'd be a little tipsy, yes, but they weren't lies. I'd tell you what happened to you too. You said you were over it, but when I try to talk to you about it, you always get annoyed and try to change the subject, baby girl, that's not a sign of you being over anything. So I have to tell you, force you to stand there and listen to what happened to you out loud.

I think you're still suffering from that, I'll have to tell you again sometime so I can see your reaction and make sure.

Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? Do you hate me? I might.

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Meh...this tension is killing me. Am I making it up? I can't even tell anymore... Sometimes I wish you would just treat me like an adult and flat out tell me what you think. I'm nervous about this, and I'm going to be until after May. >.< I can't tell if you're teasing in a joking manner, or if you're making subtle hints. I can't tell if you take me seriously, or if you're still in the "she's a silly teenager" mindset. I can't tell if you agree with my decisions or not. Heck, I don't even know if there actually IS any tension, or if I'm just being overly paranoid.

Granted, I know this is MY decision, and you would probably tell me exactly that, but I still value your opinion. I want to know it, even if I don't necessarily agree with it. Just having this out in the open would be fantastic. That way, I know how to act. Do I still need to prove to you that I made the right decision? Do I still have things to show you about WHY I made this decision? Or can I move on to the next stage and enforce your trust in me?

GAH. I dunno. May needs to get here, and now it's not just about one thing.

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These confessions make me wanna go around the USA and just hug sad people for a living. ;-;

If this is what goes around church unchecked, I'm going to a different church. Or is it just you?

Maybe I should stop hanging out with you. Too bad I LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AS YOU. >.>

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Give me the strength to go on... I know it never gets any easier, but at least strengthen me so I don't break down every single time... This is VERY hard on my emotions as it is... To think I'm the the one that You chose to take of Your Creatures... The ones that people left behind and don't care about... Yesterday was extremely hard on me... I am now at a breaking point. Where I just want to throw up my hands, scream "I can't do this anymore!!!" and just give it all to You. All of it, every last bit. But I know You need me to take care of them all. But I feel like what I'm doing is not enough... I could pray for them all night and all day, but what's that gonna solve if I don't do something physically...? I can't bring every single one I see home... I don't have the space. Or the time... I wish I did... Please. Help me. Because I feel at this point, You are the only one who can...

Be safe, little ones... You will be rescued soon enough. I love you both. Love, the girl with the bag of food...

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If you really were seeking asylum, you'd be happy that you were in a safe haven. Away from stray bullets or other threats to your life. You wouldn't be trying to burn down your taxpayer-funded accomodation. Or shouting profanities at the country you're apparently fleeing to. If the people of this country chose what happened to you rather than our incompetent "government" (if it deserves to be called that), you wouldn't be here. You're not genuine refugees, you're a bunch of queue-jumping arsonists. Oh and here's a message for you. "Australia: if you don't like it, leave."

These confessions make me wanna go around the USA and just hug sad people for a living. ;-;

Yeah, it's so sad reading them. :(

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You're making me miserable, and nobody likes you. Therefore, you should haul your butt out of Nodak/Minnesota and go terrorize other people. Thank you.

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You are not the fuel to my fire any longer... Though, you are the spark.

You will never know how *happy* I was... That day... Was like a magical land of hearts and flowers and the fairytale that had a bittersweet ending. Not blaming you. You don't blame yourself. Why should *I* do it for you?... I'm sorry. For what I asked... Your response was... Less than ideal... Did not expect you to react that way. This is the soundtrack to my life right now... Nothing is ever how you want it or wish it to be. Like I told you deary, I am a very simple thinker. I am... Because I need to be... To get by oh-so easily without your harsh glances or words that sting. Like a needle. Needles are worse than what you said, though. Or the equivalent, I... I really don't know. It's sad how my Freewrites are all about you... I delete them all afterward because if I gaze back at them, my eyelids become cloudy with tears... Why did you have to break my heart? Why oh why did you have to act that way and then turn around and say that to me...?

Oh, and just for the record...

Those messages. Yes. They are about you. I hope you realize. That I'm not giving up. You are the only man that has ever done those things for me... Thank you. You proved to me that guys can be nice and former and proper. Thanks again. =)

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1) I don't like that you did, I want to fix things between us, and I don't mean to brag, but my life has only gotten better since you left it.

2) I wish I could tell you what I really thought. I'm just going to have to wait it out and let God take control for now though. Thank you for just being there and taking time to know me. It means soooo much more than you think.

3) I wish I knew what I did. Hopefully I'll have the chance to find out and change things this weekend.

4) I'm glad you're my friend. I hope you don't move next year, that would suck. :/ It's great talking to you man, and you're the only one who remembers to bring Risk when us guys all hang out.

5) I'm not sure what to think.... We've been friends for a while. But I'm not going to be your fall-guy. You did something you shouldn't have, (although personally I don't see anything wrong with it) take responsibility for it and don't blame it on me when your parents find out. Another note, I keep chat logs on my computer that will prove it wasn't me, but you who did.

6) Thanks man. Glad you've taken over for me. Hopefully we can get past him, just find another counselor and get that project going and done, then get our awards. Hoping we have same lunch period when I go to school this year. Lunch buddies FTW.

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These confessions make me wanna go around the USA and just hug sad people for a living. ;-;

This probably was not directed at me, but it made me giggle, and then I felt better. You're very kind hearted.

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This probably was not directed at me, but it made me giggle, and then I felt better. You're very kind hearted.

It kinda was, but not completely. I'm glad I could actually do something for once. ^_^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gah, you're too adorable. I wuvs you. :3 And I can't wait to geek out!

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I'm sorry I'm like this. It's just that I love you SO much. Way more than you could ever imagine. And I don't even know why!! But I feel like I'd do just about anything for you, if you'd let me. Do you want to go with me? Because if you did, I would love that. I want this SO BAD. Way worse than I should, because then Ima just get my heart broken when it doesn't happen. And I'm waiting; not very patiently, but waiting. But I feel like it would be weird to approach you. Gosh, would you just ASK me already??? I wouldn't even mind if you were suspicious, because then I'd have an excuse to just be honest with you about this. It's scary to open up to you. Heck, it's scary to even TALK to you. But could you please help me out here? I mean if you're taken, I understand. Really. But if you just donwanna go with me...then I'll be sad. :crying: Please think about it. Maybe? I'm just trying to love you.

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Foof's sweet. THERE I SAID IT.

I've found something that calms my nerves,soothes my over active brain into a state of peace...I'm thankful. I sleep well at night now.

Thanks.

^_^

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You said you'd talk to me. Now we're both on MSN. So why don't you talk to me?

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There's no way you're 14. You act like you're 4. GROW UP! >:o

I wanna go back this year, really, but you guys are so strict so that you can keep them. Are they so important that the rest of us have to feel like we're suffocating?

I love you. You're amazingly epic. But dude, take a chill pill. It's not gonna kill you. :3

Hun, I'm sure you'd be pretty epically amazing if I ever met you, but uhhh... Don't quit your day job, k?

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Foof's sweet. THERE I SAID IT.

I wuvs you.

^_^

Y'all clearly don't know him if you think he's "sweet."

Ah hatchu.

>:o

ANYWHO.

It'd be nice if you could stick to your guns every once in a while. He deserved punishment, and you're coddling him. Now he's only learning that y'all are wishy-washy, and he's going to walk all over you.

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I told you we could meet. But I can tell you now we won't. I feel like I'm loosing my mind in this situation.

You are making me all anxious. Because the answer was yes and not both or maybe both is true but yes would be more true. When I was in London, I actually saw you in every man I saw. I was looking for you. At least for two nights. And the thought of texting you was SUCH a big temptation to me. I actually was about to meet you and I can't believe it.

I'm telling myself we can be friends when we can't. And that way I was maybe running into the biggest danger so far in my life. I told you I'm a girl and I told you I'm emotional and I finally told you it can't be. It will NEVER happen. Never. Then why did I start to think of compromising after all??? The verse that is in my mind the whole time, since we're talking: "Above all else guard ypur heart for it is the wellspring of life." You see my principle might sound ridiculous to you but I don't care! At least I should not... there's nothing less in danger than the amazing plans which God has for me. I'm not going to let you distract me from them.

I cried about you on that day. Because I so much longed for you to be saved. You see I read all these things and my heart just couldn't contain my compassion for you and your fellows. If you could only get a true glimpse of the freedom and love that is in Jesus Christ. I'm actually wrestling with God in prayer for you.

If I had met or would meet you, to be honest I don't trust you. You can be planning to do whatever to me. Seriously. Being in London, alone, insecure, unexperienced, I would be an easy prey for you. You know what? I'm now at the point where I don't trust myself any more either. I don't know the motivation of my heart and it changes with the winds.

God, you are the only one I trust in this. Thank you for your protection.

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