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HopeCline

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Just for your information, when I come home, I am NOT your maid. This isn't even your house. Get over yourself.

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I did not dream of you last night... In fact, I dreamt of nothing... I thought of you tonight, again, and cried... Again. :l I'm listening right now, to the song that should've been playing in the dream before... It was ironic, that dream... Bet if you had it, it would've been a nightmare... Sad, really... Sad that I feel the way I do. Sad that something about you just... Doesn't push me away. I don't want it to. I don't know when this will end. This crush. It's slowed down, but... Now, I just want it gone. I don't blame you for not wanting me... I wouldn't either... I'm a mess.

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IRL:

I always thought of myself as smart, at least somewhat smart, maybe a bit 'dippy' sometimes (as in saying or doing ridiculous things without meaning too) but never have I felt like such a stupid incompetent person. I just feel like I can't keep my head above water in school, and I'm the easy major. Plus, it seems like my incompetence has become the butt of a lot of jokes latley... and... you know usually I don't mind it... I like making people laugh... but I'm actually kinda hurting right now guys... please lay off. I'm not just making up this anxiety, I'm not attention seeking (the greatest of all insults to me, honestly) I really am nervous. Anxious for school, anxious about camp, about friends.... I'm sorry I'm a wreck.

I've failed you, I know. I treat you badly, I know I do. But I really do care about you, and I know your not happy. I do care, honestly.

So your telling me that heading head on into a proffession where I *think* I can actually make a difference is a mistake? Yea I know I'm sacrificng financial security here but.... I just want to help... Is that wrong?

Lord, all these years I've tried to follow your will and yet I still don't know how to rely on you as I should... I hate relying on anyone honestly, I don't like asking for help or prayers, the idea of asking my home parish to help support my mission sends shivers down my spine. I'm self sufficent, and I always thought it was a good thing... Untill I realized that it keeps me at a distance from everyone... from you.

Gah, I wish I could just sleep... I don't want to think about this anymore.

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I've kinda been floating on air for the past 48 hours, pardon my bliss. ^_^

I wish I coulda met you at Wal-Mart, and kept Giglalithe. That woulda made my day.

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I don't have anything profound to say.

But my soul does.

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You really need to learn when to keep things to yourself. You may be completely innocent, but often it doesn't appear that way. Just watch yourself.

I really don't know how much longer I can keep going like this.

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iI'm righting this to a couple people irl I can never say this to for real.

I know it was what had to be it was just the situation.

I'd scream and shout even slap them just to cope with it I was so mean and they were so mean.

But they were just babes, but I guess I was too.

But I couldn't be.

It pains me to think of this time though it wasn't all that much time it was a bad time maybe a wasted time.

Not sweet memories just anger and hate.

It's better now or mostly but it still haunts me those months sometime these thoughts will sneak up on me.

How I should have been grown up and strong and mature and done right, even though I wasn't a grown up nor ready to be.

I could blame I could also just hate myself that is easy right now.

But I just want to forget, and not just this every memory that reminds me who I have been every thought of something that wasn't right.

I want to forget and go forward but I can't.

Maybe I never will.

Maybe it's silly to dwell on the past so.

I have to many things to dwell on with little to go on.

I guess for the moment this is the only safe place to be.

But I don't want to be here.

Strange, in every positive thought and feeling and movement how I always look forward the past just creeps up on me anyway.

In the morning it will be better it will all be ok.

But I know holes in the heart don't go away your heart can grow around it and grow away from it but it's always gonna be there.

I know I can't blame anyone for my isues but you just let it all go this way.

I love you but you let me get to here.

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I re-read what you said to me all those years ago, and it means a lot more to me than you know. That you all had those thoughts back then, and apparently sincerely, makes me feel both happy and sad. I just wish things had happened differently. Not that it seems to make a difference now.

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I stayed up late last night. Thinking of you. Thinking of how I truly feel,composing a letter in my mind.

Why do I waste my time on you? You've made it clear you don't love me,even though you fathered me. Why do I get angry? Yes,I was hurt,but I dwell on it,and dwell on it.

I just want you to hurt like you hurt me.

I just want you to die.

I just want you to lose everything you've ever loved...

so we're even.

I want justice.

Also,I want a heart that guarded,not as soft. I'm sick of being walked on.

~~~

Dear Jesus.

I want a cute boyfriend.

I want him as soon as possible.

So he can whisper sweet nothings to me and make me feel good about myself.

Love,

Becky.

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Christ, my heart breaks and I pray. Thank you for everything you've done for me in my life and please pour your mercy and grace out upon others.

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You calm the storm, and You give me rest. You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me go.

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YOU. GAAAH. <.< Don't even. Next time I'm there, if you say one word...do not be surprised if I lay you out. :3

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Cat? I'm a kitty cat. And I dance dance dance, And I dance dance dance. <---- been stuck in my head ALL FRIKKIN DAY. And I'm okay with that.

I love you mom, I do. You're just kinda insane, and not the good kinda. The kinda that has me retreating all the time. I acknowledge the mistakes you've admitted to making, and I really supah wish you'd get over them. Because I dun care anymore. I barely cared about them at the time you made them. And taking into account how that was then and this is today, I think we'd all be a tad bit less FULL OF ANGSTYNESS if you just forgot. And today I wanna sleep til seven in the afternoon. And wake up and eat carrot cake. And drink chai spice tea.

*DUMB LIKE A MOOSE DIB. Dumb like a moose.

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Cat? I'm a kitty cat. And I dance dance dance, And I dance dance dance.

You've now got it stuck in my head. D: And I'm not okay with that.

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Ugggh, I can get it done by the end of May. Just leave me alone! I'll do it! If you have to remind me, do so. But PLEASE don't stand there and yell at me 'till I start crying, 'cause then I just don't wanna do it to spite you. Not like it'd hurt you at all. It'd hurt me though. Seriously, can't you just TRUST me every once in a while?

I'm pretty much sick of all of this. It's pathetic the way we don't get along, and there's no reason for it. I've always tried to excuse it and tell myself that no teenage kid gets along with their parents, but I know that's not true. It's gotta stop, but I've tried everything I know to do. Granted, that's pretty much nothing, but seriously. Uggh.

Two words... "No more" Haha, that was the cutest story I've ever heard. You're pretty much one of the only things that makes me happy anymore. :D I loveee you soo much. You have no idea. Honestly, you and your brother both are the best things about my life. Every time I see you guys you just amaze me with how incredible you are. I can't imagine what my life would be without you. By the way, every time I hear the word "puppy" I think of you. <3

Sooo, yeah, you're pretty much the bestest friend I've ever had. Or at least, one of the few. Iff I could even begin to do for you what you've done for me, I'd do it. And the sad part is that you don't even know. You're pretty much a miracle to me. <3

You just irritate me sometimes. I mean, I love you to death, but you need to respect the fact that I have a family and other friends, and that I might not want to hear them smack talked 24/7. Seriously.

It kills me hearing about another family member that I didn't know dying. Every time it happens, I wonder how different my life would be if they'd been in it. :3

You mean the world to me. I keep dreaming about you dying, and I know it's gonna happen soon, but I don't think I'll be able to pick myself back up when that happens. I wish I could tell you how much you've done for me in my life. I would, but it's not like you'd remember it anyway. I love you so much it kills me just thinking about losing you. Just fight as long as God will let you, okay? You really are a great great grandfather. ;) I'll miss you when you're gone.

I dunno why, but every time we hang out, it just feels awkward. :P It's crazy.. I kinda think I have some problems going on here. It's honestly kinda funny though. You're epic. :)

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