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HopeCline

Confessions

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Please forgive me and help me to trust in you even when times are hard.

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I hate your actions, why do you always stab me in the back, I didn't do anything wrong to you, I uplifted you up, I treated you as a friend and this is the compensation that I've received from you, I trusted you nic, I trusted you, *faces back and does an epic walkout with tears* (plays a sad violin music)

*In a whisper voice* I don't hate you nic, i hate your actions

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God, how do you love people who change so much? Please, show me how to love a changing heart.

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I'M JUST SO OVERWHELMED. I CAN'T DO THIS. I CAN'T GO ON. TOO MUCH PRESSURE. TOO MUCH STRESS. TOO MUCH PAIN...TOO MUCH EVERYTHING.

I can haz vacation...alone?

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I'm so sick and tired of feeling empty and lonely. I hate that I fall for guys and their charms so easily. I hate feeling like a disappointment to my dad. I hate trying to pretend that everything is fine when nothing in my life is fine.

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The thing with being fake is that sooner or later your fakeness catches up with you...

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I say that I enjoy my job, but I have another longing to be a wife and a mother. I want to be a supportive partner in every way and and do everything in my power for my future children. I want to give them all the love and emotional support that I was not given. I want to give them love even when they do not understand it. I want to create the family that I was not given. I want to create a home that is nourishing to the soul and the body. If I do not have children, then I want to give my support to others in need. But I am afraid that if I sacrifice my life for others, I will have nobody to support me in return. Because I am afraid and my trust has been broken, I often keep to myself and become selfish, though I do not desire this. I am not sure how to reconcile my feelings in a culture that emphasizes independence above all. I feel conflicted about independence. I am not looking for an easy way out, not in the slightest, but rather to express my true self. I wonder if my gifts are best expressed through community, even though I have always felt alienated from community.

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Yay. We got to Nationals... I swear if you mess this up for us, I will hurt you. You're barely old enough to participate and you act like a 5 year old. Disrespecting your mom during practice like that? No. We're not putting up with that. Grow up.

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I may be falling for you. And I don't mean out of a tree! LOL!

---------- Post added at 01:32 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:29 AM ----------

Your friendship is very special to me.

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Ya know, sometimes CTF is annoying or deppressing but most of the time I get on and I smile and I'm just like 'What lovely and varied group of followers our Lord has.' Makes meh happy. ^_^

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After all this rebuilding I have to start all over? I'm trying, I really am. But can I please just get a little encouragement?

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I'm beginning to think you were right. Maybe I am stupid and kiddish. Not worth your love or anyone's for that fact. Maybe one day, I can truly believe differently but for now, every name bullies have called me will finally mold itself in my damaged world.

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Why did I stop this? Seriously, I haven't felt so good in a long time. The simple things are the best.

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I worry. About everything. And I feel like a hypocrite because if someone I know is worrying over something, I say "Hey don't worry about it! It'll be okay. Stop worrying."

But then here I am...the queen of worrying. I worry about stupid things...like whether I'm making/made the right choice or not in a certain situation, I worry about what I eat, I worry about whether my worrying is for a good reason or not, I worry about something I did, and worst of all I worry about what people think about me.

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Th e deer were o ut.

I un clicked my car safety mechanism.

It w ouldn 't have been any tragedy.

I arrived s afely.

still crazy, int o a safe house.

I w anted to understan d b ut n o

o ne wanted t o reach me.

s o

when the deer com e out, an d the day' s been long an d

I 'm out o n the rolling plains

the safet y

mechanism

comes o f f .

I've written a lyrical mess! huzzah!

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It's not working out. We can both see it, we both know that we're not happy, but we're both still franticallly hanging on and hoping it will all go away.

I don't know what to do.

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Okay...here I go:

1. I'm sorry you moved, and I really wish we still talked. But even then, you would get on my nerves. It always felt like you thought you were better than me.

2. I love both of you, so, so much. I've known you forever, and we have always remained best friends, the three of us. But sometimes you make me feel so left out.

3. We were best friends for the longest time (one of the people in #2), and I can't believe that you would have done something like that. You just completely ditched me, for a guy you had never even met in real life. For an hour.

4. You...I don't know much about you. You call me your best friend...but I just don't feel the same way. Sometimes you try to prove that you're better than me, and that I'm stupid. We're close friends, but no one can ever understand me fully.

5. To my closest friends: Even you don't get me! My sport..is my life. You think it's just for popularity and a cute uniform. You are wrong. You think I don't work hard for my sport...and I can't forgive you for that. At least, not very easily.

6. You don't get me. You may try...but you don't get that my sport is my life. I would die without it...but still you don't understand.

7. You, I think are my closest friend. Everyone thinks you're annoying and loud, but I think we could be great friends. I think you're awesome and understanding.

8. You kinda creep me out.

9. If you were mad at me, I would be scared.

10. Oh my gosh!!!! I love love love love love you guys sooooooo much! Even if I don't know you in person, we all get each other so well! We could all be best friends. Long distance best friends. You can't understand how much I love you, and am grateful for you. :)

All of these are about people in real life, (not CTF) and they're all about different people, except 2.

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Yeah I genuinely want this over and done with now...I feel like I'm going to crack under all this pressure -_-

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So if I decide to disagree.... if I decide to stand with my two sweet cousins here, instead of with the rest of my family, with my church... do I have to leave? Ugh. I can make my choice for me. Being me. Knowing me. But for them? For my children? For the children I will one day serve? I hate this. One way or another I'm going against something I love and believe in. But I've been fence sitting for over a year. To do so much longer would be dishonest.

It makes me just seethingly angry that people like you even exist, worse still that your representing Christianity. Get out.

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I'm physically lost for words. I don't want to be too optimistic because of what the reality is and I don't want to be pessimistic because I trust that you will make everything alright.

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