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HopeCline

Confessions

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I'm in a missing mood today. I miss the basement-man and I miss my friends back in TX that I've failed to keep up communication with. I miss my high school youth group and I miss what it felt like to be assured in something. I'm just in a missing mood and I think it's because of the rain.

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So quick to judge so harshly, then so slow to admit you're wrong. Why are you this way?

You suck. And you need to stop drinking so much caffiene. You're gonna die before you turn forty.

So, does the Golden Rule not apply any longer?

 

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I want nothing more than to go back to the days of complete trust, as naive as that was. It was good. Now I can't even look at you without wondering what ulterior motives you have. Why you're closig the widow on your computer? Where are you going when you think no one is watching you leave?

My heart aches for the trust you have completely annihilated. And I thought maybe it could be earned back. But now? I'm not so sure.

Maybe once trust is broken, there really is no going back.

And maybe you're just the person you are, and hoping you'll truly change is naive optimism.

Edited by ksqt0509

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Irl:

I like you I just don't know what to say to you...

CTF:

I feel like you're avoiding me

Edited by GODS_NOT_DEAD

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Maybe it's more ok for me to "waste" money because I actually have a job, and I don't have any children. That's a pivotal difference between me and you.

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The reason I'm not working to the same standards I had previously, is that I've had to cut myself some slack, now that I'm doing both my job and yours. You are our leader. Your job is to be available, answer questions, teach the newbies, and make sure that we don't forget the little details of our jobs. You do none of that because you versus reacted trying to be our friends, and not our boss. Our whole unit is suffering as a result. So don't go giving me the "your standards are slipping" speech. I know they are, but I'm not alone.

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You need a new hobby. Stop being a sack of trash and go join a boot camp or volunteer or something so you come back a changed person and are actually tolerable. Go on, get. also, your taste in men is terrible. He's 52, you're 20. You're an idiot.


You better hope we never meet IRL because if we do, I'mma go all Rapunzel( ala iron skillet) up on your face and TP your house. Creep.

 I AM NOT 17. DX<
 

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Don't get me wrong. I really do want him to be happy and if he has a new girl, that's great. I just kinda wish I was like suddenly really hot and accomplished so that if we passed on the street my singledom wouldn't come screaming out my ears. 

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You cannot demand for people to care about you when you don't care about anyone or anything. That's not how it works.

---

I'm really trying not to blow up in all y'all's faces, so if you wouldn't like me to explode and make you cry then I suggest you collectively get your acts together.

---

I honestly feel like I'm on the precipice of change and I don't think it's a good thing.

---

Growing up sucks.

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Why did you have to leave? I never got the chance to say how I really felt about you.

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*Oi! I can't wait till January. >:] And February. And whatever month I get to go to Canada. I'll be the first person to meet everyone in TLS. Just see if I'm not. <3

 

Haha! Sometimes reading Confessions is like reading an old diary. Well, old self, I've met four TLSers so far. Just three more to go. ;)

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Stahp being so confusing.  Seriously, you wanna be my friend?  Cool, let's be friends..  Keep in mind that requires you actually talk to me from time to time. -_-

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I hope that saying "Please whatever your do, don't do this again" is completely unnecessary. Otherwise you're beyond all hope.

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Honestly, sometimes I really think I'll end up alone, and it's all my own fault. I need to take my life in my own hands, but I just don't. 

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I'm such a nice, unassuming person.

I think.

But then, some days, I remember that there's this festering, simmering cauldron of anger and bitterness deep deep down in my soul. Every few months it boils over and I temporarily despise all of humankind. But whenever I hear your name it begins to spit and burble more frequently than it should and I become a nasty awful person that I don't want to be.

I tried so so so hard to forgive you. I almost convinced myself that I did.

But if I really forgave you after all, I don't think I should become so enraged by your actions. I feel vindictive and hateful. I want to tell all those people who feel sympathetic for you and who think they're your friends - that you're a lying little snit who can't care for two things at once. But I don't. And my own resolve amazes even me. Even though it ties my emotions all up inside. The worst part is, I can't even escape you. Because you left your nice two-faced, betrayal-lined, little fingerprints all over my family's lives. We'll never be free of you. We'll never all be together without your name coming up. Without the regret that tinges every voice because you had the audacity to walk all over our hearts.

No one believes you'll ever really be happy. Because you just can't bring yourself to be. And somewhere beneath the anger, I feel a bit sorry for you. Because no one is going to be good enough. No one is ever going to meet your expectations. You'll never truly be content with your lot. And I should know, after seven years of co-habitation.

I can at least say that you are largely to blame for a lot of my issues. Congrats.

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Oh melancholia how I've missed you. Its happening again, my self-destructive side is coming out and my mind feels so disconnected to everything else. I don't like the person I've become, I care so much less about others, I don't make the same effort I used too. Lord knows I can't concentrate on anything.

I go out with friends, I act the same but it feels shallow. Intimacy scares me almost, even outside of romance. I'm a very tactile person who will hug people I barely know but flinch if it actually means anything. I don't like expressing genuine emotion, I don't like people being concerned about me, my head starts finding faults in people I love all the while I feel like I'm drowning and avoiding any raft offered. But such emotions feel silly coming from me, with my appearance and awkwardness I need to work hard to look like anything other than an idiot and so none of this can come out.

I used to think I could get by feeling lonely and isolated so long as I helped people, even in small ways, but now even that provides little gratification. Its been hard avoiding vices like alcohol and self harm but I know I won't stumble into it, heck my coping mechanism is ridiculous but it works - just immersing myself in Sherlock Holmes. The way his isolation and friendship comes together while still allowing the former to exist within him, even when they go long periods a part is something I could aspire too with my disposition. But again, it feels like these emotions shouldn't come from me. Who am I to feel abnormal as if I deserve sympathy in spite of how much is self-inflicted? A nerdy, ugly looking student in a profession full of people much older whom I need to impress and intimate.

*sigh* Back to A Study in Scarlet. I'll go out tomorrow and see if anything changes.

/will get over myself eventually

Edited by slycooper

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Well, it wasn't pleasant reading those things, but the lesson to be learnt is about trust and honesty: I am aware of who I must trust, and who I mustn't. Time for a little while on my knees with the Father, I think. 

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More often than not, my obsession over femslash ships is merely to keep myself from falling into a black pit of depression. If I do not obsess over Alison and Emily getting together on Pretty Little Liars, watch fan videos, analyze every little detail of scenes from the show, and read the fan-fics, I am going to realize exactly what I have lost in my life and how hopelessly alone I truly am. My neurotic obsession with femslash provides a space for love and romance without my own ego in the mix. It is love/romance abstracted from my own person, that way there is no reminder of my own depression/lonliness. Beyond my finding lesbianism totes cute and sups adorable, the negation of a male sexuality, allows me to escape from my own life.

Edited by Wesker

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I won't lie...I'm jealous of him. 

But you will do what you will, and all I can do is sit back and wait for you.

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Practically, you'd never know I had anything to do with you, and my life is wonderful. But I must have unresolved issues there, because I still see you in my dreams sometimes and it's always so tense and awkward.

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I don't feel like I've sailed away from the shoreline irrevocably. I feel like I live in a place where shorelines don't mean much and that perhaps I am beyond good and evil. And it's uncomfortable.

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