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Confession: I thought this was the bored thread and I was surprised to see everyone talking about such deeply personal issues in a way that seemed more like a series of monologues than a dialogue.

 

(I'm not back shhhhhhhhhhhh)

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Screw it, I'm sick of being vague...

I was sexually abused by a family member when I was seven. Every other night. For a year, maybe even two.

I've long since forgiven them and all I want is to see them again. They're still family after all. I just had to say something, if I bottled it up much longer I might have gotten hurt somewhere down the road...

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this is my first post ever on ctf.. hey fellas

 

1) i listened to that song that played while we talked for the rest of the day. 

 

2) what would happen if i told you all the things i would change in you, best friend?

 

3) you made me so happy with three words and i will never forget them. thank you for being a person i can look up to. one day i want to say "i do" to someone that has things in common with you..

 

4) i don't deserve you and your love but i look up to you so much. thank you for everything you did for me in my life it would honestly be so different without you.

 

5)  i think about you more than i want to. sometimes i wish we had never talked and sometimes i want to have a conversation with you about all that happened. i'm sorry for what i did even though you left me no other chance. 

 

6) it would mean the world to me if you opened up jut once and we could share our deepest thoughts and just talk through the night.

 

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Screw it, I'm sick of being vague...

I was sexually abused by a family member when I was seven. Every other night. For a year, maybe even two.

I've long since forgiven them and all I want is to see them again. They're still family after all. I just had to say something, if I bottled it up much longer I might have gotten hurt somewhere down the road...

I'm so sorry Mac ):

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I'm so sorry Mac ):

Thank you for your concern, it means a lot :)

But don't worry, I've already accepted it and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. I just thought I'd be lying if I never told anybody. No use in hiding it anymore...

Edited by LittleMac

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Thank you for your concern, it means a lot :)

But don't worry, I've already accepted it and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. I just thought I'd be lying if I never told anybody. No use in hiding it anymore...

Acceptance doesn't take away the scarring pain that it leaves. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here, okay?

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Acceptance doesn't take away the scarring pain that it leaves. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here, okay?

Thanks, I'll be sure to remember that :)

But honestly, I'm OK. I forgave my sister ages ago and frankly... I just want her to come back home...

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You're all out there right now...smiling, laughing, enjoying each other's presence...and it's probably because I'm not there....

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I should go back home, to Texas I mean, to visit family. And I could. But going home is so hard. Part of me would rather just burn my bridges than watch them decay into nothingness. But then, it is home and I can't do that.

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You know what? This month is turning out to be one of the worst months in my remembered history. And it's barely over a week in. I guess it all hinges on what Thursday has to bring. Please, God, let everything be okay. I'm so stressed, I might have a coronary. In fact, that's probably why I'm getting these headaches. 

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Thanks, I'll be sure to remember that :)

But honestly, I'm OK. I forgave my sister ages ago and frankly... I just want her to come back home...

Ah...did she leave because of what happened?

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Ah...did she leave because of what happened?

No, she left cuz of an entirely different thing that happened...that being her having a baby with her boyfriend about two years ago now...yeah...

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I will be calm. I will be calm. I need to take a break. I very very much dislike humanity right now and I need to find my happy, calm, less-enraged place. I think I shall log out of everything for a few days so I don't begin to hate myself too.

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Can I please attract someone my age who isn't a total creep and can speak fluent English, please?

Can I also go on a date before I'm thirty?  Please?
 

...
why do you do this to me? You're annoying, but i'm unfortunately stuck with you and I don't like it. :|


 

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I wrote a long post detailing all my sins since my CTF hiatus started.  I decided to keep them to myself.

 

I'm back at my parents' house for a few days.  Lying in bed awake for 6 hours.  I love them so much.  I love Orlando.  But I can't be in this house for more than a day or two.  I don't know why, but this place makes me want to reopen doors I shouldn't reopen.  Reach out to people who I know I'm done with and who know are done with me.  Not even harmless people.  People who will actively injure me if I start talking to them again.  Every day I'm in this house, it gets harder not to unblock them on Facebook or try to get my hands on their numbers again.  Why?  I didn't even know one of them existed six months ago, let alone the ten months it's been since I moved.

 

I honestly can't believe where I was a year ago.  The landscape has changed almost 100%.  The people I thought would last forever are gone and not just because I moved.  A year ago today, I could have given the names of the two people who were most important to me and promised you that they'd be in my life this time in 2015, in 2020, forever onward.

 

They're gone (and quite dramatically, at that.)  And most of the time, I am totally and completely at peace with that. Most of the time, I can put on my big girl pants and see that it's for the best.  But this darned house makes me want to reenter every toxic, self-destructive relationship I've ever been in.

Edited by Ebs

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I dreamt about you last night. Which scares me. I don't want to be so consumed with someone that they pop up in my dreams but there you were.

Ugh.

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Wow, you became so snobby in these last few weeks. If you were slow to speak and quick to listen, you'd know exactly where I really stand. But, you always talk over me and very rudely interrupt me when I am talking. 

 

Nonetheless, I just have to remind myself God is working on you and this old you will soon be of the past.

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I can't help but have a mixture of different feelings about this, so... good luck. The real test will be the years to come. All the best.

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I know you're ready for a relationship, but I need more stability in life right now. We're good as friends until we're both ready to be more than just that.

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Last time I was active on here, Skyrim was an active and relevant topic among youths.

 

A game I still play religiously, by the way.

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I did art tonight. Usually that calms me down. But it's been an hour and I'm already upset again.

Whenever I read the expression 'emotional turmoil' I never really realized what it would be like. The problem is...I can't blame you. Because you're both not at fault and entirely at fault for how utterly, utterly unhappy I am. And I'm taking over my parent's ranch. Which means I have work very nearly 24/7. I don't have time to make friends who will fill the void you're leaving in me. Even if I did, I'm crap at making new friends. I no longer trust people easily and I'm not very interesting.

Ugh.

At least introspection makes me realize how much I hate romantic love in real life. Love is only enjoyable in fiction.

I guess I should be glad I'm busy enough that my depression only comes sporadically. I wonder what happened to that kid who never stopped smiling?

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