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HopeCline

Confessions

11,406 posts in this topic

Once it hits the point where I basically just assume that you are going to let me down, I really don't see the point in investing any more of my time on you. 

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Stop calling me. I don't work for you anymore. Perhaps, if you had shown this interest in my work and my clients when I still worked for you, I'd still be your employee. 

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Why are you back in my life? I'm glad that you enjoy my company. I'm glad that we're on good terms but really don't you get it? I can't say no to you. Worse, now that you're closer I find myself wanting to check up on you. Did you get that thing you need for work? Have you settled in ok? It's pathetic and I hate myself for it. You've done nothing wrong, of course, but at the same time it's hard to believe you're really that emotionally illiterate.

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Stop. Just stop. For the love of God everything just stop and let me get my bearings. I didn't plan for this, I didn't know I should have planned this. No one ever told me that post-graduation I'd be working three jobs. I didn't have a plan B and now I feel as though I'm slipping away into a void. I'm losing myself. When I'm not at work, all I can think about is working more to cover these expenses and I feel I can't ever truly wind down because something else needs my attention. When I'm at work I think about better paying jobs, or the job I was trained for, the job I SHOULD be working right now. But no. I sell paint 40 hours a week and interpret another 3. It was SUPPOSED to be the other way around. I didn't spend 20K on a degree for interpreting to sell paint. I didn't waste 5 years of my life jumping through hoops and working my donk off to work 2 retail jobs. 

And when I tell others how I feel, they just tell me to just trust you. Well, I'm getting kind of tired of "just trusting" without any results. I'm getting tired of being called to things only to feel like I've been led on a wild goose chase.  Where the heck are you in all of this? You made me and you know I can't just sit  still and wait for you. I need action and I need it yesterday. My bills won't stand for that, I won't stand for that. If feel like you gave me really crappy directions, like a map with half the turns missing. I'm running on empty, running on fumes, running on coffee, high on stress.  What about all those dreams you gave me? Those aren't going anywhere.

I'm running out of time and have no resources to fix that. Where is my breakthrough? Why aren't you keeping your promises? Where is YOUR end of the deal? 

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It's not that I don't understand where you are coming from. I get the point you were trying to make, I won't argue with that. 

The words you selected in making that point were hurtful and unnecessary. The whole thing never even needed to be said. I won't apologize for having feelings and wanting to be treated with respect. 

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I am done every time something gets a little difficult I am always the problematic one. You say you love me then you bite my head off. I can't really handle it, okay. I'm done with it.

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