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Crimson Truth

Purity: If you want it, you CAN have it.

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To start off I am first going to take a second to introduce myself. I'm 'Crimson Truth' here on CTF, I'm 18, recently graduated high school, and I'm setting off for college in the fall. I've been active in my youth group since 9th grade and can honestly say I love the group (most of the time). I've gone on countless mission trips, both in and out of the country, along with numerous retreats. Ever since 6th grade I've struggled with porn and I didn't realize the addiction I had fallen into until my sophomore year.

Starting off with pictures in middle school, I never thought anything of it. I knew sex was bad but I figured if I wasn't doing it, then I'm doing nothing wrong. As I aged I became more and more addicted and I couldn't control myself if I had one sexual thought. I've 'always' had a computer in my room so it's been easy to access and no one ever used my computer, so that was never a problem. As it got worse in high school I began to look at it more and more. I could spend hours looking at it in one day and waste my day away. I progressed from pictures to video.

The second half of my sophomore year a friend of mine suggested I go to the high school small group at my church. I never wanted to go before because I didn't know what it was like and I was pretty shy back then. I finally went and what a difference it made. The first night I was there they were already discussing porn and masturbation. I wasn't the only one, not even close. I kept my mouth shut at first and never told anyone how serious my problem really was.

After a few weeks I improved greatly and lessened the number of times I viewed it and masturbated. Each week we shared how many times we did something sexual (MB, bj, hj, etc) and I usually had between a 2-5. This was a great improvement from the 7-who knows what I used to do every week. My number matched up with the majority of the other members, but I knew this wasn't good enough.

I told myself and God at least 100 times (seriously) that I would not look at porn or masturbate again. I let myself down every time as well. There were a hand full of weeks I was proud to say 0 when we met for small group and those were the best weeks I had ever experienced. As holidays and free time rolled around I fell back into the habit and it was worse than I remembered. I was depressed a lot and didn't want to hang out with people or let them know what was really wrong. One night at small group we all wrote down one thing we wished we could share and later they got read out for us by the leader. We ended up all agreeing to let it be known whose was whose and I was not the only porn addict. Finally the group knew, and all though I didn't give a long speech about it, it felt good to know that they knew, and that they still accepted me.

I improved massively from this experience and met my goal of 0 numerous times, with the 1 or 2 here and there. I had more confidence in myself but this soon ended. Going from success to failing hurts a lot and took a toll on myself and my effort to keep trying. Tension and stress were high with senior year and I was sick of it. Soon after Christmas of my senior year I got a partner here on CTF and I was determined to finish this once and for all. Although we didn't talk constantly, telling him my whole story and knowing that if I screwed up, I'd be able to talk to him, helped a lot. It was like an extra force acting upon me, the little part I was missing. From January to April I was practically 100% clean and I realized how AWESOME life really is. I made a lot of good friends and grew so much in my faith.

During lent I decided to just listen to Christian music and this helped me more than I could have imagined. It kept my mind in the right place and that was just what I needed. To this day I still listen to Christian music 90% of the time and I suggest anyone reading this does as well. Anyways back on topic. During these 4 months I also met one my my best friends and we grew close over night - literally. He had problems sexually with his relationship and I wanted nothing more than to help him as I have been helped. I became his accountability partner and I finally learned what a toll that alone can take on someone. Every time he failed, I felt horrible and although I knew it wasn't my fault, the burden was still great.

It has now been 6 months and although there have been a hand full of days when I've messed up, with the growth in my faith I've realized that no body is perfect and it's not about how long you are pure. I take every day as a battle of it's own and fight it no matter what yesterday was like.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

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Wow, that's really encouraging and just what I needed to read write now. Thanks for sharing your testimony :)

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Wow, that's really encouraging and just what I needed to read write now. Thanks for sharing your testimony :)

So glad to hear :) if you have any questions or wanna let something off your chest or anything just feel free to message me.

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I mentioned in this post over a year ago about the night in small group when we wrote down what was holding us back (that was now over two years ago). This summer I got the opportunity to work at a camp and on one of my weekends home I found the 9 1/2 by 11 sheet that read 'Porn Addiction.' I've known that it's been there I just haven't known what to do with it and I guess metaphorically I hadn't really given it up. On my last night at camp I hiked up to the top of the waterfall and decided to watch it burn before dropping it in and giving it over to God for good. Having this opportunity to physically watch it burn before my eyes did a lot for me. Still fighting the battle and I've realize how much of a blessing this whole chunk of my life really has been. I can relate so much easier to people and I'm more sensitive to people's struggles. Remember to never give up.

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