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Guest TheNewBreed

I Desperately Need Help

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Guest TheNewBreed

I recently joined the site because I need some encouragement on a problem I have. I don't know how I feel about sharing this with strangers, but I guess it's worth the risk.

In all honesty... I've been into pornography for many years. Heck, I was into porn before I even had sex ed at school. Anyways, I became severely addicted over a year ago and it's been destroying my life since. Thursday night I knew I was going to fall again Friday and went to kill myself. It feels so terrible knowing that you're just spitting on the body of Christ, that this monster makes me wish for everything that my Master wants against. That I've lost my innocence and self control in its entirety. I was so fed up I was seconds from ending my life when God Himself had to come in and save me. I had a knife inches from my chest and was ready to take fate into my own hands. I now know that I can no longer bear to live this way, though no matter how hard I try I cannot shake my addiction. I have no problem with self control, I am incredibly firm and disciplined, but if I go more than two weeks without falling I start to get convulsions and have given myself a bald spot at 16 from pulling out my hair. It traumatizes me psychically as well as mentally and the torture is nonstop.

Does anyone here have any advice? I don't think I can live much longer like this and if God ever decides not to step in next time... well that's the end of that.

I know the power of Christ conquers all, but this keeps me from even calling on His power. It makes all my decisions for me.

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't

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Hi Mike,

First, any guy who says they do not struggle with lust is lying. It does not mean we all look up porn, it does mean that all of us sometimes think of a girl in ways we shouldn't, for example. I've told the story on CTF before of an 80 year old who was asked "at what age does lust stop". His answer was "find someone older than me, and be sure to report back the answer to me". Said otherwise, it's something we will all continue to struggle with.

Second, a porn addiction can actually get worse. Currently, you might be looking up pictures or clips of naked girls. But what happens is that whereas once the girl in the bikini was sufficient, you now need something more explicit. You keep searching until you find that one great picture or clip to log off on a real high. But, gradually, you find yourself needing more explicit porn to get the same feeling, until you are hooked on hardcore porn. So, now is the time to stop before it gets worse. Quitting now will be easier than later.

My question to you would be: when you feel tempted to look of pornography, what will you do instead? It is idle time that makes your mind wander, and often to lustful thoughts or actions - even pornography. You need to try to avoid pornography and also the temptation. Try not to just be on the Internet for the sake of it, and if you are tempted, just slam down your computer lid, and go do something - it be a hobby or whatever.

Lastly, as Christians, we are not in this alone. Sheep were never designed to be by themselves. We are here to help one another. I know it would be hard, but if you are struggling so hard, you do need to consider talking to your pastor, or at least an older Christian who you know personally. Telling your parents, while also awfully hard, if you know they care about you, it would benefit you to be honest with them now in the long run.

You clearly and rightly put a huge value of people in God's image, and recognise the sanctity of each woman. Remember, to keep constant in prayer and repentance, read your Bible and spend time with other Christians. By God's grace, focus your mind on godliness, away from idleness and temptation. Pray about everything: that you would treat and view women correctly, that you'd pursue godly ends with your time, etc.

I hope you can get something out of my comment. You are welcome to message me. I'll be praying for you.

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Guest TheNewBreed
Second, a porn addiction can actually get worse. Currently, you might be looking up pictures or clips of naked girls. But what happens is that whereas once the girl in the bikini was sufficient, you now need something more explicit. You keep searching until you find that one great picture or clip to log off on a real high. But, gradually, you find yourself needing more explicit porn to get the same feeling, until you are hooked on hardcore porn. So, now is the time to stop before it gets worse. Quitting now will be easier than later.

Ha, if that's the addiction getting worse then I guess mine already did.

My question to you would be: when you feel tempted to look of pornography, what will you do instead? It is idle time that makes your mind wander, and often to lustful thoughts or actions - even pornography. You need to try to avoid pornography and also the temptation. Try not to just be on the Internet for the sake of it, and if you are tempted, just slam down your computer lid, and go do something - it be a hobby or whatever.

I've honestly tried finding outlets like hobbies but like I said you always come to that moment when you know there's no escaping it and if you face it you lose. Besides, the longer I stay clean the harder it gets. The longer I'm away the more I start pulling out my hair and start shaking. The temptation gets much worse too. Hobbies just don't work for me. As for slamming my computer screen I've done worse to this **** thing but it doesn't seem to want to break

Lastly, as Christians, we are not in this alone. Sheep were never designed to be by themselves. We are here to help one another. I know it would be hard, but if you are struggling so hard, you do need to consider talking to your pastor, or at least an older Christian who you know personally. Telling your parents, while also awfully hard, if you know they care about you, it would benefit you to be honest with them now in the long run.

I have talked openly to my pastor about it but not my parents. When they finally found out I was a possible suicide about a year ago (right before I became a Christian actually) they're response was shouting at me and punishing me for it. If they knew this they'd be no help. Most of my Christian friends know, though every time I get to a low place from falling I recently started taking it out on them with angry texts mostly. Neither my pastor nor my friends really seem to care too much

You clearly and rightly put a huge value of people in God's image, and recognise the sanctity of each woman. Remember, to keep constant in prayer and repentance, read your Bible and spend time with other Christians. By God's grace, focus your mind on godliness, away from idleness and temptation. Pray about everything: that you would treat and view women correctly, that you'd pursue godly ends with your time, etc.

I do view women correctly. Ha, ironically whenever I see a naked woman on tv or a half dressed jogger, or anything like that I turn away instantly. I don't fantasize about people I know exist either because I do feel strongly in the sanctity of women as you said. Once again I don't want to share this with strangers... Whatever, I don't watch "real porn" anymore, I believe deep down there was a moral issue there. I'm just into some drawn out stuff, which tends to get magnitudes more explicit then otherwise. Hence, the "sanctity of women" has no involvement. I have given up dating though because I in no way trust myself. Also, I tend not to pray anymore, at all. I just can't face God as the two faced traitor I've become. Yeah I want to leave my addictions and He wants me to as well, but I can't honestly say as a whole "I" want to leave it. There's two sides to me now and I find it impossible to feel genuine. I'll try changing my focus to more Godly things though, as a wise man once said "If you are constantly thinking of sanctity then you are constantly thinking about women."

Thank you for your prayer, it means a lot

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I strongly suggest that the moderators move this thread to the 16+ section, as there is no way to helpfully carefully construct language using euphemisms on more serious porn addictions. The language will likely get a bit much for the younger ones.

In regards to addiction, I know people who have gone from searching for girls in bikinis to eventually spending hours on the Internet watching girls squirt or watching foursomes ... and even worse. If you are at this level, I would strongly suggest accountability software ... you can buy computer software that sends a list of the websites you visit to specified people/a specified person, and the accountability does deter - e.g. you are less likely to sit down to watch porn with a friends, than watch it when alone.

Pornography acts like a drug. With increased exposure, your tolerance increases, gradually leading to addiction. You even suffer withdrawal when you "try to quit". When you watch or think about porn, dopamine is released, which makes you desire more porn and 'harder' porn in the future. Your tolerance gets to the level of addiction, so that you constantly desire it. The way to break the addiction is though extended periods of non-exposure. For example, the first time you looked up porn, you probably went most days the following week not thinking about it. Which, is the pattern that needs to be returned to: taking all measures to avoid pornographic actions and thoughts. If you have stayed clean for a little while as an addict, yes, it does get harder over the short term - but when you make a practise of it, it does get easier over the long term, until you find yourself less desirous of pornography.

I'm sorry to hear about your family situation. If you know that your parents will only make the situation worse, I would in this instance not tell them - but I'd want to be really sure such is the case - I'll trust your judgement there. But, I would explain to your pastor that and why you won't, if you have not already. And, informing your pastor is a hard but necessary step - right decision. Short of a Christian counsellor, I'm stuck on ideas of people to help, after parents, pastor, or an older Christian you trust.

You are correct that porn is a moral issue. You fall into the temptation to look it up and look at it, and you want more and more and better and better as you get addicted. I tend not to pray anymore, at all. I just can't face God as the two faced traitor I've become." King David committed adultery, yet he was repentant. It is the same for you. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins." Prayed for you again this morning.

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Guest TheNewBreed
I strongly suggest that the moderators move this thread to the 16+ section, as there is no way to helpfully carefully construct language using euphemisms on more serious porn addictions. The language will likely get a bit much for the younger ones.

In regards to addiction, I know people who have gone from searching for girls in bikinis to eventually spending hours on the Internet watching girls squirt or watching foursomes ... and even worse. If you are at this level, I would strongly suggest accountability software ... you can buy computer software that sends a list of the websites you visit to specified people/a specified person, and the accountability does deter - e.g. you are less likely to sit down to watch porn with a friends, than watch it when alone.

Pornography acts like a drug. With increased exposure, your tolerance increases, gradually leading to addiction. You even suffer withdrawal when you "try to quit". When you watch or think about porn, dopamine is released, which makes you desire more porn and 'harder' porn in the future. Your tolerance gets to the level of addiction, so that you constantly desire it. The way to break the addiction is though extended periods of non-exposure. For example, the first time you looked up porn, you probably went most days the following week not thinking about it. Which, is the pattern that needs to be returned to: taking all measures to avoid pornographic actions and thoughts. If you have stayed clean for a little while as an addict, yes, it does get harder over the short term - but when you make a practise of it, it does get easier over the long term, until you find yourself less desirous of pornography.

I'm sorry to hear about your family situation. If you know that your parents will only make the situation worse, I would in this instance not tell them - but I'd want to be really sure such is the case - I'll trust your judgement there. But, I would explain to your pastor that and why you won't, if you have not already. And, informing your pastor is a hard but necessary step - right decision. Short of a Christian counsellor, I'm stuck on ideas of people to help, after parents, pastor, or an older Christian you trust.

You are correct that porn is a moral issue. You fall into the temptation to look it up and look at it, and you want more and more and better and better as you get addicted. I tend not to pray anymore, at all. I just can't face God as the two faced traitor I've become." King David committed adultery, yet he was repentant. It is the same for you. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins." Prayed for you again this morning.

Thank you, and I originally tried to put this in the 16+ section but for some reason though I am 16 I cannot view anything in those forums so I had no ability to do so.

I would like to talk more about my struggles but I agree that it really isn't correct to do so when a younger member could open this thread. Today was not a good day for me though.

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Guest TheNewBreed

(My computer's going crazy and posts are disappearing off this topic. It might be just on my screen, I don't know. If this is posted twice I apologize, that was the reason)

I originally tried to put this thread in the 16+ section but I cannot go into that section though I am 16 so there was no point. Whenever I go in it just says: "Private"

Anyways, I'd like to talk more as soon as this gets moved and I get access to 16+. Today was not a good day for me. Though I didn't fall, I spent all day depressed and found myself snapping at everything everyone did. I think I'm starting to take my anger on myself and my situation out on other people. I choked one of my friends nearly unconscious for making a joke about me looking at porn a few weeks ago and today nearly posted a hate message towards a member on this site who wouldn't have even understood why what they posted insulted me. I had more suicidal thoughts as well. This has to stop.

Thank you for your prayer

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No problem, and anytime. I'm happy to talk whenever, and you are welcome to message me if you want to.

I think you might need to join the 16+ section first. Sorry, I should have said that last comment. Another thing I should have said is, be discerning with who you share personal information with. It's okay here, when you can do it almost anonymously. But, in person, if they won't have the aim to support and help you through it, then their aim will in some way hinder you.

I'll wait until this goes 16 plus too, cause I don't want 14 year olds googling terms or something. I will be praying for you again tonight.

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Moved as per request, and sent details on how to access this section so hopefully Mike will be able to respond soon =)

*disapears in a puff of smoke*

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Moved as per request, and sent details on how to access this section so hopefully Mike will be able to respond soon =)

*disapears in a puff of smoke*

I PMed him on how to access this too. You beat me to the moving. :P

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Guest TheNewBreed

Hey all, I'm back. I just now got out of a mental hospital for major depression so I (obviously) wasn't able to get back to you all right away :/

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Hey all, I'm back. I just now got out of a mental hospital for major depression so I (obviously) wasn't able to get back to you all right away :/

Mike,

Hi, I don't think we've met before. I'm Will, one of the four CTF counselors here on this website. I would be more than happy to have a chat via pm if you're willing, as I've struggled with pornography and depression in the past. Because of this, I may be able to encourage you and help you through your journey. :)

Hope to hear from you soon,

-Will

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Guest TheNewBreed
Mike,

Hi, I don't think we've met before. I'm Will, one of the four CTF counselors here on this website. I would be more than happy to have a chat via pm if you're willing, as I've struggled with pornography and depression in the past. Because of this, I may be able to encourage you and help you through your journey. :)

Hope to hear from you soon,

-Will

Will do (no pun intended)

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