Jump to content
SavedByTheSon

How to deal with pornogrophy in a relationship/marriage?

Recommended Posts

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned my problems as far as this is concerned, so I won't go into depth.

 

What I would like to know is how you move past repeated offenses made by the spouse regarding porn? How do you find it in yourself to open up, forgive and trust again? I'm struggling a lot right now with this. It's making me depressed and I feel it's also affecting my marriage.

 

And also, a little tmi, but how do you resume intimacy after the betrayal? This especially is bugging me. The situation and the pain it's caused me prevents me from expressing myself in that way with my husband. The wound still feels fresh and I just don't feel like being with him in that way at all anymore due to the rejection I felt and fear/insecurity I have now.

 

Advice, guys? :/ Thanks..

Edited by SavedByTheSon

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey-- I just saw this. 

 

I dealt with this at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend. Not gonna lie, it hurt my trust in him. What helped me was realizing that he was the exact same person as before -- I just knew more about him. He was still the loving caring guy, he was just struggling with something and needed help. Of course I don't have to deal with the intimacy aspect the way you do, and that definitely makes it tougher. I understand that it probably makes you feel disgusted... I know I wondered for years about whether he'd be comparing me to the things he'd seen. It helped me that he quit, and since I've not been on here a lot lately I don't really know a lot about your situation. But it sounds like marital counseling might help you a lot. Or even just personal counseling. There's nothing weak about going to a counselor--in fact it takes strength to own up to our own insecurities. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey-- I just saw this. 

 

I dealt with this at the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend. Not gonna lie, it hurt my trust in him. What helped me was realizing that he was the exact same person as before -- I just knew more about him. He was still the loving caring guy, he was just struggling with something and needed help. Of course I don't have to deal with the intimacy aspect the way you do, and that definitely makes it tougher. I understand that it probably makes you feel disgusted... I know I wondered for years about whether he'd be comparing me to the things he'd seen. It helped me that he quit, and since I've not been on here a lot lately I don't really know a lot about your situation. But it sounds like marital counseling might help you a lot. Or even just personal counseling. There's nothing weak about going to a counselor--in fact it takes strength to own up to our own insecurities. 

 

Thank you very much for your response. It is a difficult situation that almost all couples face at some point or another. Some handle it better than me, I'm sure. I've suggested counseling, but seeing as he isn't of very firm faith, I'm not sure how helpful it would be. We'd either go to a counselor he'd be comfortable with and they'd tell me I'M the one with the problem, because there is nothing wrong with porn. Or we'd go to a Christian counselor and he'd feel uncomfortable and it wouldn't help correct the situation. He's been taught that it's okay, thanks to society. I was raised with completely different morals. Overall, it's hard to find a solution when we have two separate points of views. He believes hurting me is wrong, but not viewing porn. I don't understand how fix this because of that. He told me he would stop, but he said that the two times previous as well. I love him and I'm not a believer of divorce, but I don't know if I can spend my whole life worrying/depressed over porn and never be able to trust my husband. That seems like a miserable existence to me. I keep praying that God will have His way with my husband and the situation, but I feel so lost. :/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That is a miserable existence, to know he's looking at fakeness he'll never have, lusting after that while you're right there.

He says he doesn't want to hurt you, yet, I'm under the impression that he's aware the porn viewing is making you uncomfortable.. but he continues with utter disregard to your feelings. He IS hurting you, whether he gets that or not.

Assuming he views it online, would he agree to some kind of internet filter that blocks pornographic sites? Or perhaps one of those sites that tracks his website viewing and send it to a parent/close friend in order to hold him accountable.

You're his WIFE. The only woman he should be looking at in that manner is YOU.

I do agree with Opal, TRY counseling. You may be right, you might not be. It's worth a shot, isn't it?

I too, do not advocate divorce, especially with a child involved, however, if nothing turns around, you may want to consider a temporary separation (but *only* if you think that'll help!) as a last resort. Would he pick you and Alek over the porn if forced to do so?

I've never been in your situation, not married, but I hope something I said was at least semi-helpful to you. I'm praying for you guys.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest JAG

Have you asked him why he looks at porn? I think people do it for many different reasons, and it may be a good idea to figure out what his is.  I will go ahead and confess to you my reasons in the past.

 

At first it was curiosity and because 'all my friends were doing it.'  Then it became just an easy temptation to fall into.  Honestly, it got to a point where I had no better reason that simply being bored - it was just something to do.  Porn is crazy because it multiplies lust.  You can't stave off lust with porn, it just makes you more lustful.  Quitting cold turkey, after resisting the first few hard-core temptations, actually became easier and easier the longer I stayed away from it.  I didn't have anything to entice me, or to let my mind dwell on.

 

With all of that said, I do think sex is just extremely important to people, and for single people who avoid the real thing, porn is an easy 'fix' that really doesn't satisfy (thus you want it more often).  I'd relate it to a drug to be honest - something to fill a void of intimacy.

 

My astonishment is people who look at porn while married.  I mean poop. Why would you want the images when you can have real, intimate, sex with someone who loves you?  I'm not married, so I can't understand that, but once again I think that's why you need to ask him why he does it.  It's obviously not because he needs sex - it's something else.  Maybe he craves power?  Maybe he finds it too difficult to 'woo' you?  Maybe it's fun for him because it's rebellious?  Maybe it's a habit or addiction he wishes he could stop?  Maybe he gets bored and it's just something to do?

 

Do you want to know what I would bet on more than anything though?  I just bet (and this is just from reading what you've wrote) he doesn't have a regenerated heart.  I bet it's because he doesn't have the Holy Spirit working inside him - convicting him for sanctification.  It's a perversion that he honestly does not recognize as being a perversion because he's blind.  Has eyes, but doesn't see - ears, but doesn't hear.  He needs Jesus.

 

What can you do about it?  Pray, confront, pray, confront, pray, confront, share the gospel.

Edited by JAG

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you asked him why he looks at porn? I think people do it for many different reasons, and it may be a good idea to figure out what his is.  I will go ahead and confess to you my reasons in the past.

 

At first it was curiosity and because 'all my friends were doing it.'  Then it became just an easy temptation to fall into.  Honestly, it got to a point where I had no better reason that simply being bored - it was just something to do.  Porn is crazy because it multiplies lust.  You can't stave off lust with porn, it just makes you more lustful.  Quitting cold turkey, after resisting the first few hard-core temptations, actually became easier and easier the longer I stayed away from it.  I didn't have anything to entice me, or to let my mind dwell on.

 

With all of that said, I do think sex is just extremely important to people, and for single people who avoid the real thing, porn is an easy 'fix' that really doesn't satisfy (thus you want it more often).  I'd relate it to a drug to be honest - something to fill a void of intimacy.

 

My astonishment is people who look at porn while married.  I mean poop. Why would you want the images when you can have real, intimate, sex with someone who loves you?  I'm not married, so I can't understand that, but once again I think that's why you need to ask him why he does it.  It's obviously not because he needs sex - it's something else.  Maybe he craves power?  Maybe he finds it too difficult to 'woo' you?  Maybe it's fun for him because it's rebellious?  Maybe it's a habit or addiction he wishes he could stop?  Maybe he gets bored and it's just something to do?

 

Do you want to know what I would bet on more than anything though?  I just bet (and this is just from reading what you've wrote) he doesn't have a regenerated heart.  I bet it's because he doesn't have the Holy Spirit working inside him - convicting him for sanctification.  It's a perversion that he honestly does not recognize as being a perversion because he's blind.  Has eyes, but doesn't see - ears, but doesn't hear.  He needs Jesus.

 

What can you do about it?  Pray, confront, pray, confront, pray, confront, share the gospel.

 

I agree. I just don't know how to help him when 1. he doesn't listen and 2. I'm so devastated by the situation. From what he says, he kept intending to quit. He kept telling himself it time was the last time, only it never was. I don't think he got to the point where he was addicted (as in he couldn't live without it), but I do believe he was beginning to form an addiction. Regardless of the reason, it's caused serious damage to me and our marriage. And because of that, I worry it might fuel his desire to look at porn again. It seems to be a never ending cycle. I see that hurting me hurts him, but what does that really matter when he intentionally does so time and time again, knowing the result of his actions? I've been in his shoes. I used to view porn before him as well. Like you, it started out as curiosity. I never experienced real intimacy and I was always surrounded by people who had. I felt left out and sought to investigate. Looking back, I really wish I hadn't. It warped my view of sex and as a result, has caused me problems intimately. But I have never took the position of my husband and knowingly wounded him with porn use. I can't even wrap my head around that. I just don't understand how you can genuinely love someone and then hurt them so over and over again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest JAG

I agree. I just don't know how to help him when 1. he doesn't listen and 2. I'm so devastated by the situation. From what he says, he kept intending to quit. He kept telling himself it time was the last time, only it never was. I don't think he got to the point where he was addicted (as in he couldn't live without it), but I do believe he was beginning to form an addiction. Regardless of the reason, it's caused serious damage to me and our marriage. And because of that, I worry it might fuel his desire to look at porn again. It seems to be a never ending cycle. I see that hurting me hurts him, but what does that really matter when he intentionally does so time and time again, knowing the result of his actions? I've been in his shoes. I used to view porn before him as well. Like you, it started out as curiosity. I never experienced real intimacy and I was always surrounded by people who had. I felt left out and sought to investigate. Looking back, I really wish I hadn't. It warped my view of sex and as a result, has caused me problems intimately. But I have never took the position of my husband and knowingly wounded him with porn use. I can't even wrap my head around that. I just don't understand how you can genuinely love someone and then hurt them so over and over again.

 

Yet we do that to God every day of our lives.

 

I think part of an addiction is the continued use of a substance despite your desire to quit.  Perhaps he desires to quit, and can't for whatever reason.

 

Prayer and confrontation, once again, are the only things I can think of.  There's always the more drastic actions: putting porn filters on all of his devices, leaving him until he cleans his act up, going to the church for counseling, etc.

 

I'm sorry :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, after thinking about it I did purchase some monitoring software and installed it on his phone without knowing. And what do you know, the next morning he was surfing porn in the shower. When I confronted him, he tried to be sneaky and delete the history on his phone before I walked in. But I had the exact website pulled up on my phone to show him that the truth was out. We talked about it and I think he realizes now that he has a problem and that this may help him. I want to be here for him and I'm trying, but it still really hurts. Especially since he was lying AGAIN. :/

 

I am surprised that after getting caught this morning, he asked if I thought praying would help. Then he pulled me to my knees at the edge of the bed, held my hands and prayed with me in the dark. I was so shocked. I just hope we can beat this thing.

Edited by SavedByTheSon

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest JAG

Well, after thinking about it I did purchase some monitoring software and installed it on his phone without knowing. And what do you know, the next morning he was surfing porn in the shower. When I confronted him, he tried to be sneaky and delete the history on his phone before I walked in. But I had the exact website pulled up on my phone to show him that the truth was out. We talked about it and I think he realizes now that he has a problem and that this may help him. I want to be here for him and I'm trying, but it still really hurts. Especially since he was lying AGAIN. :/

 

I am surprised that after getting caught this morning, he asked if I thought praying would help. Then he pulled me to my knees at the edge of the bed, held my hands and prayed with me in the dark. I was so shocked. I just hope we can beat this thing.

 

Well, I'd be lucky to find a wife like you.  I hope things turn out well - keep praying!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As for porn filters, there's an amazing one for computers I suggest. It's called k9 web protection (http://www1.k9webprotection.com/). When you install it, YOU set a password that no one knows. In order to bypass the filter, you need to type in the password, proxies don't work. And in order to delete the program, you also need the password. This can be downloaded on phones as well, however I don't think it's password protected on phones.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi.

 

I'm not an expert or a professional in psychology or any kind of counceling, but what I can tell you is, no matter how many programs you install for him to stop watching porn, if it is his will to do so, he will find a way. 

 

It's a human thing.  This doesn't mean don't try the programs.  If he's OK with blocking websites and gives you the key, that's good.  He's making a step of progress. 

 

Bottom line: 

It's up to him.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×