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Vanis

Missing my mom. Need advice!

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So, I need advice on what to do about my mom.

 

I've lived with my dad nearly my whole life, but I would visit my mom every other weekend if she showed up. Half the time she wouldn't, and she'd never call to say if she was coming or not. I was abused and neglected by her, but I have always tried my best to make her happy with me. I was actually raised by my dad and step-mom who treats me no different then her own daughters and we get along fairly well.

After we moved out of state, I only got to see my mom twice a year; Summer and Christmas break. On one Summer break when I was 11 she asked me to live with her like she always did, but that time I gave it a try because I thought my dad didn't want me living with him anymore. That was a big mistake. Everyday was a total nightmare. I lived with her for seven months, then on Spring break while visiting my dad I realized how much I missed it there and called my mom to tell her I wanted to live with my dad again. She freaked out and started screaming at me. I couldn't even understand what she was saying. My dad grabbed the phone and I said, "Okay, goodbye, Mom. I love you." before he hung up.

That was February 23, 2008. She hasn't called, or even sent me a letter since. I've heard from a distant relative that my mom will post things on Facebook about how I moved and she never got my new address or changed our phone numbers, but never told her. That, of course, is not true. Actually it's just the opposite. I wrote to her and tried to call, but her address and number has changed.

I miss her, my brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins on that side of the family a lot. I wish I could have visited, or at least stayed in contact with them in the last six years, but I'll never get those years back. When I'm 18 I want find a way to get her address or email and talk to her again.

 

So...

 

1. Do I try to start a relationship with my mom when I'm 18? Or is it not worth it? If not, then should I bother contacting her at all? (Understand that I also have four siblings that live with her and I want to be able to talk with them too. I miss and love them all so badly it make me cry thinking of them.)

2. If yes to the first, what should I say that wouldn't offend her? 

Like I could say, "Hey, why did you never call me?" But that may not help me make friends with her.

3. Also if yes to the first. How do I go about doing this without offending my step-mom?

If you need any more information that will help you answer my question, just ask. Thanks for reading all this! It means a lot.

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Wow.. That must be so tough!!! I understand kind of what you're going through though. You see, my parents divorced when I was like three years old, and it absolutely broke my heart! I live with my Mum now and my Step dad. And its been tough. I'm kinda close to my real Dad, though he hardly contacts me, nor do I have the chance to visit him much. Like I might be lucky to see him once a year and that, so I know what you're going through! Life sure throws things at you.. 

 

So, in answering your questions, I'll try my best to answer!

 

1. First off though, exactly how does she abuse/neglect you? Like verbally, physcially, emotionaly or? Because depending on how she treats you..depends on how you'd react/contact her and that. I think, if your Mum really truly cares about you, you should try and contact her again, because if you keep putting it off, one day you might regret it if its too late, to make amends, you know what I mean? I also think, if she has absoloute no interest in seeing you again, then give her some time and just pray for her every day. Only God can change her heart. Though try and contact her if you can, thats all you can do, and just pray and hope.

 

2. As to what to say to her without offending her, just say what's on your heart, and maybe ask advice from your Dad and ask God what to say. I don't exactly know, because there's no right or wrong. Perhaps say something along the lines of "Hey Mum. Its been ages since I've heard from you, how are you doing, whats been happening?" And just start off small, and if she responds well, you can eventually go deeper, but I would take it very slow, mind you.. otherwise she might feel hurt/angry. Just give it time. 

 

3. Kinda answered it in the first I think! I hope this helps, tell me if it answers your questions!! Also..just pray for her! And I'll try my best to remember to pray for ya too! I'm hear if you need more advice or just a friend to talk to! I know what you're going through.. one other question, how has she been abusing/neglecting you, like physcially, verbally, emotionally or? 

 

Hope that helps!!! Praying for you! Hope it all goes well! 

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I'm sorry to hear about your parents divorce :( My parents were never married and their boyfriend/girlfriend relationship ended when I was only a year old, so I don't even remember when they split up. I think I was lucky in that way, because my dad and step-mom almost divorced and that would have been way worse in my opinion.

You brought up an interesting point when you said I should try before it's too late. My dad's father recently died from cancer and they never really had a good relationship. My dad regrets not trying harder to get to know him even though he did all he could. The same relative who mentioned the messages my mom posted on Facebook also said my mom has brain tumors. I'm just worried because my mom's mom died from brain tumors when my mom was sixteen.

As for the abuse... It was physical when I was younger, like 6 and under, but then was pretty much just emotional after that. It didn't really matter too much though, she was hardly ever home when I would visit her. It was really her boyfriends that I found myself spending more time with. They were worse. I'm just glad she didn't marry most of them. I don't think she meant it. She became a mom at sixteen, and I think she just doesn't know what she's doing.

 

I think I will take your advice. Especially about taking it slow. Most people say I should confront her for ignoring me, but I don't want to confront anyone. I just want to restore our relationship.

 

Thanks for taking the time out to read all that! :) nice to know someone cares.

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Thats okay! Oh I'm sorry to hear about all that.. I hope it gets better! Yes, I think you should definitely try and restore your relationship with your Mum even though she has hurt you a lot, before its too late! Yes..and take it slow, don't rush things or confront on front on about why she hasn't contacted you.. restore the relationship first, then eventually she might say, but thats not as important right now as being there for her, and trying your best to make up! I truly hope it all goes well, I hope you can contact her soon, I'll pray for ya! Oh and sorry to hear about your Mums condition and that..thats sad, I hope there's nothing wrong!  Wow..you've gone through a lot! I know what you mean! I've been abused by my Step Dad emotionally..for years, and it damaged me so much during my early high school years, but as I've grown I've learnt to deal with it, and not get so angry.. Its a long process, but life gets better! Have you talked with your Dad about this? Thats okay Vanis, glad I could of helped!!! I hope it all goes well! :) Let me know if you need someone to talk to, or anything like that, I'd be glad to be your friend and to talk!!

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From personal experience with a horrible relationship from my Dad, I suggest you at least continue to try to pursue some relations with her. Your situation is difficult,  but if you truly want to contact her again, I think God will help you. Maybe he'll even use you in her life to bring her closer to him. I'll be praying about it.

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Ok, so let me gather this up. Not of much relationship, yells at you, abuses you, won’t call, email or text when she knows your number. Yet, you’ve a step-mom who loves you like you’re her own.

I don’t want to sound terribly MEAN here, so I apologize if I do, but I have strong feelings on the subject.

Your situation sounds like mine, except I’ve got the crummy dad, not the crummy mom. Yes, crummy. That is bad parenting.  HORRIBLE parenting. Like, why-are-you-even-reproducing-stop-sucking-at-being-a-person-before-you-make-other- people parenting.

My parents divorced when I was 13 after years of emotional and verbal abuse from my dad; he just walked  out one day. We got joint custody. And saw him every other weekend until my mom met my step dad and we moved to Minnesota. I haven’t seen him since 2009, after I graduated highschool. He just stopped contacting us. We’d call him once in awhile and he’d be mad that we didn’t take the initiative to call HIM more often. Ok, Mister, where are your man-pants? I’m the daughter, I’m not wearing them.


As much as you may love, miss and care about your mom, has she done likewise for you? Has she been the adult in this situation—keeping contact with you throughout the years? No. I do not recommended contacting her.  Seems to me that she’s not interested in you for whatever lame reason she has.(which is a bummer, because you seem swell. Her loss!)
I think you’d be muchbetter off WITHOUT an abusive, neglectful crummy parent in your life. It’s less stress, you’d be more calm, less  fear. There is NO EXCUSE, NONE whatsoever for being abusive! I don’t care if you become a mom at age 12 or 45, no one has the right to abuse or mistreat another human being!

 I miss my dad sometimes, but God gave me a WONDERFUL step-dad who is better than anything I could imagine. I’m content with what I’ve been given and I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that my birth-dad never really cared about my sisters of me. I pray you find that sort of peace. Mean people like your mom and my dad typically don’t change for the better. If they do, they’ll contact you. If they don’t, they’ll carry on in their ways. Continue to pray for her, but I don’t think contacting her is a good idea.

As for your siblings, do you have a way of getting a hold of them without talking to her?  Facebook stalking them?  Whitepages.com? Put some feelers out there and see what you can find.

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Boogles,

You make a good point... and you sound like my stepmom! Like you, she takes things for how they are, not how she wishes they were. I'm just not very good at that. I'm also sorry to hear about your problem with your dad. I'm glad you were able to find peace despite the circumstances. 

I just figured it was my fault for not going back. I was only supposed to be with my dad for Spring break, then I was supposed to be on the flight back to her house. If I had just gone back, like I was supposed to, this wouldn't be a problem. I would have lived with her for the rest of the school year, and she would have never gotten mad at me so she would have never stopped talking to me. That's what I think happened. I must have hurt her feelings when I told her I wanted to go back to living with my dad. That's why I feel like I need to find a way to contact her first. You know? I know the agreement was I could go back whenever I wanted to, but I didn't exactly give much of a warning.

Do you still think I shouldn't talk to her first, even though it was technically my fault?

Edited by Vanis

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Don't give up on the relationship until you feel you've tried everything, you never know how god could use you in her life. But you must choose what you feel is right, not what we say

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Boogles,
You make a good point... and you sound like my stepmom! Like you, she takes things for how they are, not how she wishes they were. I'm just not very good at that. I'm also sorry to hear about your problem with your dad. I'm glad you were able to find peace despite the circumstances. 
I just figured it was my fault for not going back. I was only supposed to be with my dad for Spring break, then I was supposed to be on the flight back to her house. If I had just gone back, like I was supposed to, this wouldn't be a problem. I would have lived with her for the rest of the school year, and she would have never gotten mad at me so she would have never stopped talking to me. That's what I think happened. I must have hurt her feelings when I told her I wanted to go back to living with my dad. That's why I feel like I need to find a way to contact her first. You know? I know the agreement was I could go back whenever I wanted to, but I didn't exactly give much of a warning.
Do you still think I shouldn't talk to her first, even though it was technically my fault?

 

I'm kind of a realist when it comes to this stuff. Life gives you lemons. make lemonade(or if you're mean spirited, squirt juice in the eyes of an enemy. :P)

 

I can understand the curiosity. It was something I battled for a long time. "Well, if I had been better at this, he'd have stayed." or if "I had been a boy, he would have loved me more and not said those things." "If I had done X, he'd have done Y and things would be different!"

I realized from meeting people that they don't change easily. NOTHING you did or did not do affected her decision to not call you or contact you.

An adult should realize that when their child is given a choice to stay with them or leave; they need to maturely and appropriately handle the child's choice. It's the adult's responsibility to keep the lines of contact open and available for the child--even when the choice the child has made hurts. Not the other way around. The child's responibility is to love those who love them and be obedient to God and parents.

I can also see what other's are saying about "You might be the one to witness to her!" Noble cause, but for the moment, I think your witnessing to her needs to be praying for her behalf daily, not contacting her. Given the past you two have, I think this option, for now, is the safest and least emotionally draining.

Yes, I still think you shouldn't contact her first. I know you love her and you're curious, but if she's hurt you in the past, you need to take care of your emotional well being and keep yourself safe. She may have gotten better about how she treats others and she may have gotten worse.  You don't know, and it's that unknown factor that leads me to believe you shouldn't be the one to pick up the phone.

If the time at  age 18 rolls around and you still feel you should contact her, I suggest writing her a letter. Heck, write her letters now, explaining things (because it helps sort out all of your emotions) and then when you're 18 and have her address, send them all off.

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I think I'll wait and try to send her a letter when I get her address after I turn 18 like Boogles suggested. I think that would be best being I wouldn't even know what to say to her, anyway, and will need time to think. I just can't not try at all. I have to take the first step at mending our relationship, because I know she never will. Thank you all very much for taking the time out to read this and for giving me your advise. :)

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i feel you. even me i lost my loved one's which is my mom..

we can't go back the past either :( but for sure God has a best plan for us and He's preparing us for the bbest :)

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