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Guest Darker Days

Boyfriend pushing for sex

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Guest Darker Days

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Edited by Darker Days

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Honestly if he started wanting sex a week Into the relationship I don't think he's valuing the relationship or even spending enough time trying to get to know you... He just wants sex. You're worth more than that. The whole "it's for our relationship" line is weak. Don't believe it.

Beyond that Marty is a serial dater, not ready for a commitment. Plus. you two disagree about something pretty fundamental, in a pretty big way.

Oh, and gentlemen don't push you or "get handsy" when your uncomfortable Thats his true character shining through.

There's someone out there who you will value you more than Marty does, he's worth finding.

My two cents.

Edited by ksqt0509

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Marty is not making this easy on me. When we kiss he gets really handsy. He's told me more than once that he may not be able to help it if I lose my virginity to him. I feel guilty every time I say to not go past kissing. I do not think he is trying to rape me. Though I do believe he is trying to keep making me feel good by all the touching, to try to get me to lose up and listen to him.

 

Eh....... This right here is kind of a red flag for me.

 

 

ksqt is right, a week in is really pretty early for all the pressuring, especially if you've made your intentions known and the fact that you feel guilty is a bit disconcerting as well. Sex should never be something your guilted into and if he's trying to guilt you into it you need to re-evaluate. He's not even trying to respect your views here. The fact that he's told you that "he may not be able to help it" if you lose your virginity to him, to me, seems like he's not taking you or your conviction seriously and honestly it kinda sounds like he's holding it over your head a bit. Being manipulative.

 

And yes, it's difficult and it's hard when your worried about losing someone but sometimes you gotta stick your foot in the ground. Regardless of your opinions on sex, he's making you uncomfortable. And at one month in this REALLY isn't something you want to be setting yourself up for. I recently ended a nice little 4 month relationship for {partly} the same reason and even at that time my guy wasn't pushing and saying stuff like this. This guy NEVER pushed if it was obvious I was uncomfortable or I asked him to quit. And we were older, 24 and 26. I'm not gonna lie, it sucks and being firm may mean you have to move on but if it matters to you it's what you have to do.

Edited by Marley

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 Brand new boyfriend pushing for sex?

Push boyfriend off a cliff after beating him senseless with a halibut. :fishbeat:

  :D Problem solved!

For starters, that's creepy. him touching you like that, intentionally trying to arouse you when you made it clear you're not about that life. This prick has no respect for you OR your boundaries. People do not change on a whim. If he doesn't respect you NOW in the early stages of dating, it's doubtful he'll respect you later on. 



He reminds me of various descriptions of Christian Grey in that horrible book. It sounds to me that you are indeed right, Sex is  all he wants from you. After you cave and give him what he wants, I can guarantee he'll disappear like a contact lens on a white marble floor.

As a teenager, when you've been dating someone a week, it's certain you haven't know them very long. His having 14 girlfriends in 4 years or so screams 'Womanizing Man-Skank." Do you know if he's been tested for STD's?  Has he actually fathered any children? Have you met his parents?

Personally, I'd dump him. If he's not going to respect your boundaries, he doesn't respect you. He's a waste of time. Sayaonara, d-bag.

Edited by Boogles

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Guest Mike Spero

 Brand new boyfriend pushing for sex?

Push boyfriend off a cliff after beating him senseless with a halibut. :fishbeat:

  :D Problem solved!.

 

This deserves an award. We need a "best post of the year" in Boardies just for this ^^^^^

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

I was in a similar relationship back when my wife and I were dating. She wasn't a Believer at the time and wanted sex for a lot of reasons. She actually didn't believe I loved her at first because she couldn't imagine someone being "prude", and thought I was toying with her. Even still, she could get "handsy"... *akhem* whenever we'd kiss and such, but I never felt like she was trying to pressure me. It was more of: "I love you, don't think this is wrong, I might make mistakes in the moment >.>". She really wanted it, but she tried her best to respect my boundaries. It is a pretty big red flag when your partner's not respecting them altogether, and getting forceful. If he loves you then he'll want you to be comfortable and happy, and put you before him. Trying to force his wants over what's sacred to you isn't the best sign of someone who loves you...

 

I definitely don't want to make an over-arching or judgmental statement towards him, seeing as how I don't know your relationship and I don't have the right to give yea or nay; but I do find how forceful he's being as a pretty bad sign, and in most cases a deal-breaker. I genuinely hope that he's a good guy and this works out, but be careful, yeah? Some guys hide their true colors, and you don't want to let someone fool and manipulate you. It's your call, but if he's putting horniness over your comfort and happiness... Not the best of signs towards his intentions

 

I hope for the best ^^

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If you have a good relationship with your dad, have him there when you break up with Marty. Do it in a public place where people can see you if things happen, and make sure to contact the police if things do get violent and/or dangerous. 

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I agree with Zabby. Go to a public place, don't be afraid to have your dad/brother/guy friend sitting there or nearby. All the stuff you've said just kinda points towards a break up to me. And make sure you have your own way home, so you don't end up stuck in a car or whatever together afterwards (can you say awkward and uncomfortable?).

I'll be thinking of you! Feel free to PM me if you want to!

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Guest JAG

I want to offer a positive for you to look towards, and I'll use my current relationship to help explain.

 

My girlfriend and I struggle with sexual temptation.  We're both still virgins, and are both Christians.  We want to save our virginity for our future spouses.  Yet, despite the desire to do good, there is obviously a competing fleshly desire in us.  Really, our main reason for wanting to have sex (and we've discussed this) is because we want to be closer to one another.  In that regard, I understand this guy describing sex as intimate, and having that desire to be more intimate.  Yet with this being such a short relationship, it's lust, not love, he's feeling currently.  Ok, so that's the negative.

 

Here's the positive.  Just imagine your wedding day.  You've just made a covenant with a man you are deeply in love with - whom you've decided to spend the rest of your life with.  He is, someone you've made up your mind to be better than anyone else out there for you - someone whom your kids will resemble.  Now imagine your wedding night, with all the nervousness and comfortability combined.  It will be playful, new, fantastic, and most likely in an awesome hotel suite or on a cruise ship, or in a log cabin nestled in the mountains, etc.  That's the positive of holding off. There will be absolutely no shame, or guilt, to disrupt your pleasure.  

 

When I look at my current situation, and think about how my girlfriend and I could be having sex if we chose too, then compare that to what my wedding night could be like, hands down I prefer the story where I kept my virginity for marriage.  Hands down I'd choose that story over giving it to her now in the back of a car or on a couch.

 

C.S. Lewis said that we're all too easily satisfied - a lot like kids playing in the mud who don't understand what it means to have a vacation at the beach.  We're just satisfied with our mud pies - we could be building sand castles.

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I think you've got a good mindset going about this.

 

You're second post worries me a bit because of your concerns about his anger. I would generally advise anybody AGAINST dating a guy (or girl for that matter) that makes them afraid when they're angry. Sure, I may not *like* it when my guy gets upset with me but if I'm actually scared for my well being its a problem.

 

The "wanting a virgin" thing is also disconcerting although I've come across it before. If someone wants you because you are a virgin but doesn't respect the idea that the reason your saving yourself is for marriage then to him it's not much more than a game. "I got her when no one else did!" It's just not a healthy mindset and in my opinion (though I really have nothing to base this on) may be a sign of some unhealthy sexual preferences and ideas. It's not a good thing to have a guy that's intent on "conquoring" woman or sees sex as a prize. Your never gonna get away from the fact that sex is important to guys (and girls and everyone) but if its being used as anything other than to bring a person closer to someone or for mutual pleasure then its just not good. Plus, what happens when your NOT a virgin anymore? Something he can't "chase". Something he has already "achieved". To someone with a healthy intent with sex those things don't matter beause the purpose was to bring you two together which can continue. For a guy who just wants to try a certain "thing" they'll want to move on. Next thing.

 

The fact that you hadn't even thought about the STD thing also tells me that you really arn't ready. And I don't mean that as an insult, I promise. But Boogles is right, if you haven't thought of or feel awkward about asking those hard questions then the level of comfort you need with the situation simply isn't there.

 

I don't think theres anything wrong with bringing up your concerns to him but I'm personally not real positive about where this is going based on the information you've presented to me. This is way to many red flags for a one week relationship, in my book.

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Guest Mike Spero

Now one more thing. Let's say he doesn't respect me and I have to break up with him. How should I do it? He is a tall, 19 year old male that seems to have a bit of strength to him. I, on the other hand, am a skinny, 5'2, 17 year old female with with a history of being a victim of mental abuse and sexual harassment. (I actually got harassed and hurt by a different boy a few days ago, but that is a different story.) I'm scared of making Marty mad. He knows I've been in bad relationships where I had no control and was too afraid to stop any of it. It worries me that I trusted this information with him, because I don't know if he will try to use it against me. I'm not a masochist or whatever. I don't like being treated poorly. Though I do have have a fear of stopping these things because of consequences it's had on me in the past.

For starters, it would be best to screen your suitors to a point, from now on, where you'd at least feel comfortable that said person wouldn't harm you, before entering the relationship xc That one's kind of important

 

Honestly, a lot of guys do act the way you're afraid he might react, so that is a healthy worry. If you do break up with him, don't do it on the premise that he will turn into some crazy/abusive stalker, though; because that would add more to the feeling of rejection and probably make things worse. Tell him kindly that things won't work out, but still be safe. If he does start trying to manipulate or abuse you, break communication off altogether with him, because there would be no point in talking. And if you have to be physically around him due to life/circumstance, then keep your distance and stay armed. Getting abused or harassed is one of the worst things anyone could go through, so as overboard as something might sound, if worse comes to worse don't be afraid to employ it.

 

There's no perfect way to break up with someone, and he's going to feel rejected no matter how you do it; so just be kind about it if you do. The part you have to think about is being safe if he does go nutso on you, which I pray he doesn't

 

And hey, do you by chance live anywhere near Nevada? If he gives you any trouble, feel free to send him my way, too. They'll never find the body, promise OwO

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My opinion would be, that if he is pushing you that much then clearly he does not respect your decision. If I were you I would sit him down and tell him that it's really bothering you and that this is something that you are not going to budge on. If he continues to do it then I would say it's time to find another guy. I know that's harsh but to me, it sounds like all he wants from you is sex. Relationships are not all about that. And eventually him constantly trying to push you is going to wear you down and you might make a decision that you will regret later on. If I were in the same situation where the guy would not respect my decision, then I would not be with him anymore. 

 

I just noticed the post above me where you are talking about how to break up with him. If you are afraid he might retaliate then I would suggest doing it in a public place or taking a friend with you to where they can stand far away so that he doesn't know they are there and then you can walk off with them. 

Edited by Sami_jane

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1) This topic's dead by almost a month.

 

2) He's had 5 previous sexual partners. And he's only 19, so unless he started when he was 14, that's more than one a year. That doesn't just happen by accident. When he talks about the special "closeness" brought on by sex, bear in mind how quickly he's going through lays.

Edited by Yves

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Girl, im going to be straight forward. If he doesn't value your morals and beliefs about sex, he`s no good for you. You are a daughter of the most high king! And don't you forget it. Your body is the temple and you should not allow just anyone in, especially if you have only been with that person for a month. It seems like he`s a joker, you should wait for your prince. I will be praying for you. P.S. I know its not easy.

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He doesn't respect you!

Exactly. If I were you. I would leave him in the dust of the Sahara

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The situation with your friends seems really really unsafe. He's being manipulative and emotionally bullying you into sexual activities. That's wrong and no matter who you are or what you've done you deserve to be treated better. My advice, honestly, would be to get rid of him or talk to an adult in RL. Barring that, however, I'd say you need to really really look at the situations where you two hang out. Public places are safer and I'd leave the situation if he starts drinking. 

 

Other than that, I'd try to surround yourself with other groups and people. Even if the relationships are a bit shallow at first. It would be good to have more people looking out for you and your situation and theres gotta be better friends out there for you. Maybe not the best, but better than emotionally abusive psychos. 

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