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My Friend Told Me She's Bi, What Should I Do?

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Hello,

 

My name is Tessa, and I have a really good friend who (for the sake of her anonymity) I'll refer to as Jane.  Me and her are really good friends.  We are both Christian but different denominations.  We met 3ish years ago and have been BFFs ever since.  My relationship with her is like that of two sisters, and that will never change.

 

Yesterday "Jane" told me that we needed to talk.  She said she wanted to tell me something.  She was worried and said that the only other person who knew was her boyfriend.  I was a little nervous of what she was going to say, she kept saying she hopes it won't negatively affect our relationship.  She then told me that she thinks she's bisexual.

 

Honestly, I felt a little relieved.  I was preparing for the worst with all the suspense. (For a moment I thought she was going to say she killed someone, that's how freaked out she was)  I believe that homosexual acts are sinful, and so does she, which is why she's really troubled.  She asked for my perspective so I told her what I thought.

 

First I said that I was honoured she trusted me enough to tell me this, and I can understand why this is troubling her so much.  I then went on to say that we can't control who we are attracted to.  Our subconscious can be influenced by MANY things and we can't just decide to feel a certain way on command.  The only thing we can control is how we act on these feelings.  I told her I still care about her and if she ever needs to talk about it, I'm available.

 

She said that she was slightly relieved, but she was still scared because she couldn't tell her family.  "Jane" is from a VERY conservative household.  She said that she felt like she was hiding a piece of herself from those she loves.  I said that I think people nowadays make sexual orientation too big of a deal.  It's just one aspect of your self conscious that doesn't control who or what you are in God's eyes.  She can still live the way God wants her to.

 

She then seemed a little more content with the situation, and we moved to another subject.

 

 

Now, where you guys come in.  "Jane" is still pretty nervous, and I've never been in this situation before.  I really stink at social interactions as I'm quite an introvert except with my 3 close friends.  Did I say the right thing?  Should I say more?  Should she tell her family?  Should I encourage her not to tell her family?

 

I love "Jane" and want to help her do what's best, but I don't know how to do it.....  Any advice? 

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I think you should encourage her more and just be her bff. If she ever has enough nerve to tell her family,be by her side incase things go good or bad. Many kids struggle with their sexual orientation. I do agree that people make it way more serious than it actually is. Just be her backbone and a shoulder to cry on in these times.

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Hello,

 

My name is Tessa, and I have a really good friend who (for the sake of her anonymity) I'll refer to as Jane.  Me and her are really good friends.  We are both Christian but different denominations.  We met 3ish years ago and have been BFFs ever since.  My relationship with her is like that of two sisters, and that will never change.

 

Yesterday "Jane" told me that we needed to talk.  She said she wanted to tell me something.  She was worried and said that the only other person who knew was her boyfriend.  I was a little nervous of what she was going to say, she kept saying she hopes it won't negatively affect our relationship.  She then told me that she thinks she's bisexual.

 

Honestly, I felt a little relieved.  I was preparing for the worst with all the suspense. (For a moment I thought she was going to say she killed someone, that's how freaked out she was)  I believe that homosexual acts are sinful, and so does she, which is why she's really troubled.  She asked for my perspective so I told her what I thought.

 

First I said that I was honoured she trusted me enough to tell me this, and I can understand why this is troubling her so much.  I then went on to say that we can't control who we are attracted to.  Our subconscious can be influenced by MANY things and we can't just decide to feel a certain way on command.  The only thing we can control is how we act on these feelings.  I told her I still care about her and if she ever needs to talk about it, I'm available.

 

She said that she was slightly relieved, but she was still scared because she couldn't tell her family.  "Jane" is from a VERY conservative household.  She said that she felt like she was hiding a piece of herself from those she loves.  I said that I think people nowadays make sexual orientation too big of a deal.  It's just one aspect of your self conscious that doesn't control who or what you are in God's eyes.  She can still live the way God wants her to.

 

She then seemed a little more content with the situation, and we moved to another subject.

 

 

Now, where you guys come in.  "Jane" is still pretty nervous, and I've never been in this situation before.  I really stink at social interactions as I'm quite an introvert except with my 3 close friends.  Did I say the right thing?  Should I say more?  Should she tell her family?  Should I encourage her not to tell her family?

 

I love "Jane" and want to help her do what's best, but I don't know how to do it.....  Any advice? 

You're spot on with that advice. We can control how we act, and how respond to our feelings, though not always our feelings themselves. 

Just because I feel like eating all the cookies in the house doesn't mean I should. The same goes for what we do with what's in our pants. Just because straight people CAN go and hook up with 100 strangers, doesn't necessarily mean they SHOULD.

Coming from my own experiences, I did have some same-sex attraction going on as a teenager, but I never acted upon it.  I blame my daddy issues and raging hormones. The feelings faded away in my later teens and save for the "Dang, she's pretty, I want to be her" sort of thing, I haven't had any issue with those feelings.

Question: How does your friend know she's bi? Is it something she's known for awhile, did someone say "maybe you're bi?" or did she fall prey to one of those " THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE BECAUSE I SAY SO" quizzes. I know several young ladies who are struggling to find their identity, so they take these personality, sexuality, etc quizzes and then take on the results as a part of who they are. Doesn't matter if the result is pansexual or "you should start cutting because you're emo", they've adopted it as their own. Makes me so sad.

As someone who does hail from a conservative household, I'd hold off on "coming out" to the family until Jane is 100% SURE she's bi and has moved out on her own or has a plan installed in case she gets kicked out or disowned by her folks.

I'd also advise not trying a same sex relationship, seeing as to how she believes those actions are wrong. Someone can be attracted to both genders but only date one. It's possible.

Whatever you do, and whatever she decides, don't stop being her friend. She needs you.

 

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Thanks Guys :)

Question: How does your friend know she's bi? Is it something she's known for awhile, did someone say "maybe you're bi?" or did she fall prey to one of those " THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE BECAUSE I SAY SO" quizzes. I know several young ladies who are struggling to find their identity, so they take these personality, sexuality, etc quizzes and then take on the results as a part of who they are. Doesn't matter if the result is pansexual or "you should start cutting because you're emo", they've adopted it as their own. Makes me so sad.

 

No, she didn't take a quiz.  She said that not to long ago she realized she started feeling attracted to girls as well.  Instead of the usual feminine comparative nature of "Oh, that girl is cute/pretty/etc." she felt attracted to both sexes.  Her Boyfriend is helping her a lot, they have a very healthy relationship and I'm glad she has someone other than myself to talk to about it.  She's quite rational, which is why I didn't question whether she really has these feelings.  That's sad though, basing your life on an interwebs quiz.  I shall add those ladies to my prayers.

 

 

 

As someone who does hail from a conservative household, I'd hold off on "coming out" to the family until Jane is 100% SURE she's bi and has moved out on her own or has a plan installed in case she gets kicked out or disowned by her folks.
I'd also advise not trying a same sex relationship, seeing as to how she believes those actions are wrong. Someone can be attracted to both genders but only date one. It's possible.

 

Her boyfriend believes it's just a phase, and "Jane" hopes that's the truth.  To be honest, I hope it is to.  It would make her life so much easier, she wouldn't feel like she was hiding.  It broke my heart because she was acting kind of depressed last week and now I know why.  But I told her that its as possible for it to just be the way she is.  She's 18, has a job, and is already very close to being completely independent.  So If she get's into drama with her family she may be able to recover.  She's starting to calm down a bit now, she said she can still achieve her goal of being married and having kids because she is also attracted to men.  She says she want's to try living her life without telling anyone (besides me and her boyfriend) after all, it's her personal business.  

 

 

She's doing better today, I think she was worried she might lose me as a friend because I myself am from a conservative family. 

Is the ordinary course of action to not talk about it unless she brings it up?  I want to know she's doing ok but I don't want to push her, she's going through a lot right now and the last thing she needs to feel is scrutiny.  I wish I was better at this serious advice thing.

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Yeah, those girls. I'm not sure what to do.


If her goal is to only tell two people, then I say, she should go for it. Perhaps this boyfriend is Mr. Right and she need not worry about the same-sex attraction. Satan tempts us in weird ways. *shurg*

That's good she's got everything in her life straight. ^_^

Exactly. With more sensitive topics, it's better to just let her bring it up. You can ask her how she is and let her choose if she wants to talk about it or not.

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You seem to be dealing with this very maturely.

 

Honestly? The best thing is to just be a friend. You don't have to accept her actions but you also don't need to preach. Just be there. It's hard to tell that to a friend, especially ones you know are religious. Other sins don't seem to garner the same level of disgust from people as struggling with same-sex attraction does and it is hard and sometimes heartbreaking.

 

About telling her parents, I don't know if I think it's necessary. I think it would depend on their relationship and on her relationships. There's two parts of realizing you are attracted to the same sex, realizing you have that attraction and deciding that you want to act on it and are open to those relationships. It's gonna come up if she wants to date girls or pursue relationships with them but just being attracted to them? Eh. A lot of girls are, honestly, women tend not to be as black and white when it comes to attraction.

 

Just be a friend.

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Thank you :)

 

I don't think it would be possible for me to not love her.

 

Nothing in our relationship has changed, but her boyfriend feels a little bit cautious about me now.  It'll probably pass later.  We were going to a movie together on Valentines day, (Me, Jane, and her Boyfriend) but he told me he would rather I didn't come along now.  It doesn't bother me that much and I understand his motives.  I just hope he realizes I'm a friend sooner rather than later.

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Thank you :)

 

I don't think it would be possible for me to not love her.

 

Nothing in our relationship has changed, but her boyfriend feels a little bit cautious about me now.  It'll probably pass later.  We were going to a movie together on Valentines day, (Me, Jane, and her Boyfriend) but he told me he would rather I didn't come along now.  It doesn't bother me that much and I understand his motives.  I just hope he realizes I'm a friend sooner rather than later.

Maybe you could try talking to him about it, if she's one of your good friends a healthy relationship with her boyfriend would be nice

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Guest Mike Spero

You're doing all the right things. She feels naturally attracted to girls as well as boys, there are a lot more severe issues one can have. I'd suggest to not even focus on it too much. It's her life, her faith, etc. If she comes to you with it like she did before, then of course you should give your thoughts. Just don't act like it's unmentionable or beat her over the head with it like it's cancer; which you don't seem to be doing at all.

 

It's just a small thing and really nothing to stress over. The only way I could see you handling this poorly is if you blew it up into a huge issue

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Personally, considering I believe people are born that way, you should let her know your feelings have not changed, remain friends, and encourage her to decipher who she is. If she knows for sure she is bisexual, then you can help her with the next parts.

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just be sure too be there by her side throught the ups and downs she might be feeling. if you are going to help her get thru all her hardships then hopefully she will help you get through yours!!!!!!

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