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Faith/Sexual problems

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Hey, im new to the forum- I was looking online for a place with people I could relate to and I found this. 


I've been a gamer my whole life, not 'extreme', but I do it every day and sometimes I really try to stop, but I guess it's not as bad as lust problems. I'd always prided myself in being 'different' than others, but that's completely false. It's really hard to keep a secret, and this is something I've never told anyone, I've been too scared to admit. As a kid, I had bladder problems at night, and I had to wear diapers till around the age of 11 at night. I really got into diaper-wearing girls and started masturbating to it. It's called abdl for those who havent heard of it. I've been doing it for 2 years, I'm 15 now and it's crazy how hard it is to keep it all in from your parents, friends and family, thinking that if they knew, they would think you're insane. Some of you might think that too, and I don't blame you. I don't kneel down and pray to God, ask for forgiveness, and everything else- I just don't know what to do. I keep making promises to God that I'll stop, telling myself it's not 'that bad', but I know those are Satan's lies. When I'm actually doing it, I think, well, that it's my 'security', or that I can just ask for forgiveness, all the time whenever. When I'm about to do it, those are some of the things I tell myself, or I try to restrict myself from some things, but man, I feel disgusting at the end. I feel completely rotten to the core. But as always, I keep it sucked in myself, keeping it from everybody. I get these 'seasons' where I do it, and where I don't. It's the same for most things in my life- what video games I'm playing, what exercises I do, what food I eat etc. I'm guessing that if I can beat one full season of it, then I'll be rid of it, but I know it's not that easy to get rid of. I've tried to never watch pornography, as I find that stuff repellent, but of course, I'm only 15, and I know it's coming up. Just yesterday, I had an amazingly strong want to 'have sex' with someone. It's disgusting.


Sorry for the wall of text, but I really need to get this out.


I've felt a wall between me and God for some time, and I know it's my fault. I've gone to multiple conferences (Steubenville, for one) and I attend my life-teen (christian teen group) meeting every time it happens (or so). I've prayed to God and asked him to come fill me up, I've asked him to prove his existence once again to me (I've gone through seasons of depression where it seemed like there was no way out but God has helped me, and yet now it seems like I've forgotten all that), but I've never gotten anything. I went to Steubenville where people where filled with the spirit (gift of laughter, of tears etc), even some from my parish, and yet I've never felt a single thing. I also went to another conference once, called the Lift Jesus Higher rally, where I went up to a prayer helper and she prayed for me. At the end, she asked me if I'd experienced something bad, like parents' divorce or the death of a close one, but my family is honestly one of the best I know and my parents are amazing, leading us in the way of Christ, so I said no. She said that she felt something broken in my heart, but she didn't know what. Lots of writing, but bear with me. When I pray the rosary with my family or I say a prayer at night, I can't seem to get the feeling that I'm talking to someone, as I used to. I feel like im just reciting words in my head, and I feel completely cut off from God. I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I'm done.


I've thought (ashamed of it) of suicide some times, in my most rough times, asking God why he made me like this, why he gave me this cross. I blame everything on him, and yet I know it's not his fault. I've always thought God had something big for my life, I've always dreamed of becoming a evangelist, but now I'm really lost. 


I feel much better now, getting this off my chest. I've kept it holed up for so long, it would make a great difference in my life if you coud understand. 


Thank you.

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