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22suns

Attracted to a guy and searching for God's will

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For starters: When you see a lot of text, know that an analytical person wrote it. I promise that you won't waste your time reading this. 

 

So have you ever felt like you're living in a fantasy? I have no one else to ask but you. Here's my story:

 

Right now, everything feels magical, like I'm being ballooned by my feelings. I know that soon enough, my balloon will burst and I will fall flat on my face in despair.

 

'Cause the trouble is, I'm attracted to a guy (let's call him James). My family has known his family for years. We live in the same neighborhood. My younger sister is friends with his younger sister. We went to the same schools. Now he's a senior. I'm a junior.

 

I knew about James before, but I never knew him personally until this year. We sit by each other in one class. And I can't get him out of my mind. At first, I tried resisting the temptation to think about him. Then, I tried obsessing over him. Now, I wonder about him daily.

 

I'm attracted to him because:

1. He's a top 10 academic achiever.

2. He's a varsity soccer player, so he's very fit.

3. He's incredibly smart, leading the math competition and scoring exceptionally high on college entrance exams.

4. He's handsome.

5. He's humble. I've read about his accomplishments in the local newspaper often (he always awes me) and congratulated him at school. He accepts my words with a simple "thank you" and a genuine smile every time.

6.  He is kind.  His words are always thoughtful and respectful. He is friendly to people he knows.

7. He has a sense of humor.

8. He is handsome.

9. He has a gentle attitude. He's willing to learn, self-motivated, and accepting of others.

10. And best of all, he is a Christian.

 

All these characteristics of James are traits that I desire in a future husband. I have learned these though my observations in class and during meetings for a club (something we're both involved in) for the past three and a half months.  James seems to at least appreciate me because I sometimes catch him sneaking glances my direction in class (we sit near the back and he's looking the opposite direction from the teacher).  He definitely observes me, because sometimes I will be working ahead on a class assignment when I see him look at me (from my peripheral vision) and then start doing the same thing. We love knowledge and understand the value of school.  But then, I'm not sure what feelings he has for me.   He has sometimes done things for me and asked for nothing in return.  He smiles at me often.  TBH, we're both pretty smart people. We're also both pretty introverted.  He retreats to books if we're assigned as partners for a class activity and we finish our work early.  I long to learn more about him, so I sometimes inquire about the book he's reading or what his life's like.  But I mostly try to stay out of the way.  I'm too afraid of losing hope for any sort of relationship with James.

 

I am a devoted Christian.  I love and honor God.  I live to serve God through everything I do.  However, I harbor regret for acting like a stalker.

 

Let me explain: For the first two months of school, I was so filled with curiosity for James that I gave in to the temptation to find out as much as I could about him.  I tried everything, from looking him up in the yearbook, to Googling him, to checking his Twitter and Facebook accounts, to finding his schedule and GPA.  I was a ruthless sinner.  I made erroneous decisions that have questioned my entire character.  

 

In addition to being extremely wrong, my "stalking" venture was dampened by a crucial realization: James has a girlfriend.  She's a freshman at an in-state college.  I actually saw them together one day last year eating lunch in a teacher's room where I took a placement exam (ironically, that test is something that I'm proud of. I'm not proud of this "stalking" situation).

 

Not that I was interested in dating James from the get-go.  However, this discovery made me feel unbearably guilty.  I now knew too much.  I decided to never go back to my behaviors.  I prayed and asked God to forgive me.  My epiphany about my sinful behavior made me hate myself.  I scrutinized every aspect of my appearance, hoping to look perfect on the outside to disguise the anguish I felt within.  The guy I hoped for is already taken.  Something confusing here is that while I had zero interest in dating, the thought of dating James has lingered in my mind, sometimes conjuring up imaginations of being with James.  But more importantly, I was overcome by the pain of going overboard.  Along with starting to wear makeup and carefully planning my weekly outfits, I found myself lacking confidence.  I felt like I didn't deserve love now, especially from James.  I felt unworthy of anything good.

 

Since then, I have moved on past the initial pain.  Although I retain guilt, which I predict will continue to impact me, I feel like I am able to put the past in the past.  That was then, this is now.  I wake up to that thought every morning.  

 

I am slowly regaining my confidence and my security as a person.  That said, I think of James as a good candidate for a friend.  If he already has a girlfriend, why wreak havoc on myself and my relationship with James by bringing romance into the mix? YES, I would love to be his romantic partner, but I don't want to ruin everything by attempting to win his affection.  So I have decided to talk to him and learn more about him the right way: face to face, friend to friend.  I have smiled at him in class, congratulated him on accomplishments (which I read about in the local newspaper- no harm done there), and asked him about what's going on in his life (like soccer and school clubs/activities and his family and his weekends, etc).  

 

All I want is to be his friend.  I don't think that God would have brought James into my life for no reason.  God has a plan of good for my future; he will not disappoint me with false messages. He will ensure that I do not misinterpret what he has in store for me.  I've been asking God to make his plan clear.  I want to follow God's plan for my life.  I trust in him.  

 

What do you think?  Should I continue talking to James as a friend?  What advice do you have, especially about how to work this out with God?  I'm all ears (or at least to the extent possible on the Internet).

 

Thank you so much! I will appreciate anything you have to say.

 

URL <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hey, I actually have felt like I'm living in a fantasy, so I understand. I think that right now you should keep your contact with James at a minimal level. I don't think it is wrong to be friends with him at all, but I would suggest a casual friendship. Not being rude or avoiding him, I'm not suggesting that, but basically what you have been doing sounds fine. I don't think you really need to change what you're doing right now.

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Don't over think it. Everybody facebook stalks their crushes and while its silly its hardly soul crushingly sinful.

Be casual friends. Don't get too emotionally invested and if it ever happens that you could date him let him know your interested.

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