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Crosses

Is my step-father a bum/lazy? How do I tell my mom about this?

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The title explains it all. Somehow they've been together for almost 6 years. I don't know how. I guess I'll give a backstory on how they met.

My mom and my step-dad were friends since a young age. They started dating in highschool,but had to break up due to one of them moving away. My mom finally found him on FaceBook way back in 2009 ish. When they found out that they lived close to each other,they decided to date again. At that point,both my mom and my step-dad were near 40. So both of them have changed drastically between high and the present time. After a couple months,my step dad finally proposed to my mother and they got married in the winter.

When they were dating...I never knew what his home life was like. Didn't know if he lived alone or with somebody,if he was messy,if he cooked well,and was completely independent. But when he moved in,I figured out quickly on what he was like. I'll just give you a description.

Continued to live with his parents until my they got married.

His mom did mostly,if not all,the work in the houuse.

He works at a fast food chain.

He can sit on his but all day and play on his PC (like skyrim or World of Warcraft. That weird crap).

He can sleep snores all day.

He doesn't clean up after himself

He hates doung house work. My mom has to remind him constantly that he needs to do something.

Hates doing any type if yard work.

He eats all the time or complains that he's hungry.

His car is a mess. Like really bad. Sometimes he would have to clean out hus truck before anyone else can get in.

His car has piles of fast food wrappers,cups,change,outfits from work,change,and sometimes even food in his car.

When he was living with his mom and we decided to meet his parents. I saw his room. And clothes were literally pilled up to his raised up mattress. And guess who cleaned up the mess when he moved out? His mother!

And when he does clean,it's poorly done.

It takes him forever to even get up and do anything.

My brother use to work for him. He said he even sleeps on the job! He's the manager of the store.

And he does even go to church. Or when he does,he's usually angry about going.

Now there's probably more that I'm missing,but I just picked the things I see the most in him. He's also overweight (doesn't work out). The thing is,my mom is the opposite of him. She hates it when things get messy and hates laziness. She'll go completely beserk if the house is a wreck. Yet she married a man who's a blob. And she makes excuses about him not doing anything. And I'm just like "Keep telling yourself that mom".

And when I try telling my mom,she gets all defensive and tells me or my brother that we are wrong and not thinking right. I'm sick of living with him! 5 almost 6 years have been too much and long. He doesn't even go to church. My mom pretty much married the opposite of herself. I get that opposites attrack,but golly....it doesn't have to be with relationships. As much as I hate saying this,I wish they got divorced. But it won't happen anytime soon. Money is tight in my family. I just wish he was out of my life. Me and my brother dislike him very much. I just wish he went....poof.

What can I do to tell my mom how I feel about him. Everytime I've tried telling her,I usually get in trouble and grounded for being "rude". She won't listen to me.

Ever since he moved in,my life has become worse. I just don't want him in my life anymore. Each morning I wake up feeling miserable because I hear him snoring really loud. And you can't tell him,because my mom will get all mad or upset. His health isn't the best in the world. With him being overweight,he has knee problems,sleep apnea (however you spell it),and just can't get around very well. And he's only 41!

Is he a bum? And how can I tell my mom? Please help!

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ngl sounds like someone very familiar in my house.....

 

yes. Yes he is.

 

The sad thing is I am not sure you can make your mother see the issue if she 'loves' him...

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Yes, it sounds like he's a bum/lazy. Whereas for telling your mom, that's fruitless. It sounds like she can't see any faults in him, and that she can't bear for anyone to see/point out that he does have faults. I don't know what you should do other than you just trying to ignore/avoid him entirely, sorry. 

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ngl sounds like someone very familiar in my house.....

 

yes. Yes he is.

 

The sad thing is I am not sure you can make your mother see the issue if she 'loves' him...

So you're saying that I can't do anything about it?

Yes, it sounds like he's a bum/lazy. Whereas for telling your mom, that's fruitless. It sounds like she can't see any faults in him, and that she can't bear for anyone to see/point out that he does have faults. I don't know what you should do other than you just trying to ignore/avoid him entirely, sorry.

I've been avoiding him since he got married. I've been doing this for almost 6 years now! I'm sick of hiding and being in this misery. I've missed out on many events due to him. I can't even be in the same room with him without feeling uncomfortable or just freaked out.

And now there's no hope for me! :(

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Sounds like his is a total crapper, but if he's not abusive, there's probably not much you can do about your mom loving him Love can be blind and stupid sometimes.

If he IA abusive, then you may have some legitimate grounds to get rid of him.

Could also try hiding his game controller/modem and the chips while he's at work ;P

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Is he abusive?

Sounds like his is a total crapper, but if he's not abusive, there's probably not much you can do about your mom loving him Love can be blind and stupid sometimes.

If he IA abusive, then you may have some legitimate grounds to get rid of him.

Could also try hiding his game controller/modem and the chips while he's at work ;P

No he's not abusive. Cause he never does anything anyways. There must be another way...Ultimatum?

I would hide,steal,and break his stuff. But I don't feel like being grounded for months and having to replace his stuff. I just wish i could get rid of him. :(

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Crosses, if he's not abusive, I think you're holding onto hatred too tightly. God will always put people in our lives that we dislike to test us and to make us show the way of Christ to them. Honestly, your step-father may be lazy or whatever, but he's still family and you still need to at least be able to be in the same room as him without being uncomfortable. 

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Crosses, if he's not abusive, I think you're holding onto hatred too tightly. God will always put people in our lives that we dislike to test us and to make us show the way of Christ to them. Honestly, your step-father may be lazy or whatever, but he's still family and you still need to at least be able to be in the same room as him without being uncomfortable.

Nobody else in the family seems to like him that much either. Mostly everyone else in the family agrees that he's lazy. I can't take another year with him. It's Getting to the point that I can't even live in the same house with him. If he just left,a huge weight would just fall off of me.

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Crosses, if he's not abusive, I think you're holding onto hatred too tightly. God will always put people in our lives that we dislike to test us and to make us show the way of Christ to them. Honestly, your step-father may be lazy or whatever, but he's still family and you still need to at least be able to be in the same room as him without being uncomfortable. 

 

Being a christian does not mean that you let people walk all over you. Yes, turn the other cheek, but being a christian DOES. NOT. MEAN. YOU. LET. PEOPLE. HURT. YOU.

And what she said doesn't sound like hatred at all, it sounds like fear/dread, and that is not okay under any circumstance. I don't care if it was planned beforehand, it's not okay to be afraid in your own house.

Edited by paraskeve

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Being a christian does not mean that you let people walk all over you. Yes, turn the other cheek, but being a christian DOES. NOT. MEAN. YOU. LET. PEOPLE. HURT. YOU.

And what she said doesn't sound like hatred at all, it sounds like fear/dread, and that is not okay under any circumstance. I don't care if it was planned beforehand, it's not okay to be afraid in your own house.

Actually,Christians can get hurt too. Anyone can get hurt.

But yeah. I really do dread living with him. The only time I ever feel happy or some sort of relief,is when he keaves the house.

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I could be wrong, but I'm not reading fear in what Crosses wrote. Mostly just disgust. 

 

How exactly does he stop you from doing things that you want to do? Does he tell you not to? Yell at you? Is it because the house is  mess? 

Edited by Marley

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No, he doesn't sound like the best guy. But if he's not abusing or hurting you in any way, why dread him so much?

Cause I never wanted him.

I could be wrong, but I'm not reading fear in what Crosses wrote. Mostly just disgust. 

 

How exactly does he stop you from doing things that you want to do? Does he tell you not to? Yell at you? Is it because the house is  mess?

All he ever does is sleep,have the tv up so loud,he stinks,and when he cooks the whole house smells like garbage,yes the house is a mess,and as I'm even typing this...he's snoring right now.

I'm just sick of him. I honestly won't be able to move out any time soon. I can't take living with him anymore. Me and my brother are tired of his sloth lifestyle and constant snoring. This thanksgiving is going to be horrible because my mom goes to work at 1,but my stel dad is off and he'll be eating,sleeping,and having the tv up really loud watchung some movie marathon. But then again,it's no different than any other day.

But my mom won't say or do anything about him. She says she's trying to talk/get him out of his lifestyle. But sometimes everything is all about him. In the summer..he gets hot alot. So he has to have all the fans on him. And when we're in the car,he has to have the AC on full blast on him. It could be 75 degrees outside,but he still complains. And when it's cold,he has the heat turned on. But whenever me or my brother turn it on,my mom gets all mad at us saying we're wasting money. Ut he has the heat on him all the time when he's downstairs.

And my mom always has some excuse for him not doing work around the house. Even my grandma thinks my mom is just defending him.

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There are some much deeper rooted issues at play here than just disliking your step-dad.

But to answer your question, yes. He sounds like a bum.

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Being a christian does not mean that you let people walk all over you. Yes, turn the other cheek, but being a christian DOES. NOT. MEAN. YOU. LET. PEOPLE. HURT. YOU.

And what she said doesn't sound like hatred at all, it sounds like fear/dread, and that is not okay under any circumstance. I don't care if it was planned beforehand, it's not okay to be afraid in your own house.

I agree with you para, and that's what would be happening if some sort of abuse were occurring, but not liking someone/being disgusted with a person is not the same as being afraid or harmed by that person. Maybe if the step-father kept the house in such squalor that they were getting physically ill it would be different, but that's not what 

 

There are some much deeper rooted issues at play here than just disliking your step-dad.

But to answer your question, yes. He sounds like a bum.

I agree with TK here. Crosses, there feels like there is something else going on here. I don't think if you just thought he was gross/lazy that you would react so passionately towards it. Are you sure there's nothing else at play here?

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I agree with you para, and that's what would be happening if some sort of abuse were occurring, but not liking someone/being disgusted with a person is not the same as being afraid or harmed by that person. Maybe if the step-father kept the house in such squalor that they were getting physically ill it would be different, but that's not what 

 

I agree with TK here. Crosses, there feels like there is something else going on here. I don't think if you just thought he was gross/lazy that you would react so passionately towards it. Are you sure there's nothing else at play here?

I do get uncomfortable and sometimes scared of him. I honestly feel trapped.

I honestly don't know of any other thing that could be causing it. I've always been nervous and uncomfortable around people. Particularly guys. My real dad left me before I was born. And my mom is always working. Ever since he moved in...I've felt more trapped,depressed,scared,and just not me. If he just left,I would feel so much better.

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