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Many of you have read my other posts. 

It has been 1 year since I last posted. It's crazy... My life has been CRAZY. 


I had been living in Nicaragua last time I gave an update. I was telling you all about how I was going to be transitioning back to the USA. Well here I am. I'm living down South (in a state I had never been to before I moved here.) I went through a... oh I dont know... maybe 8 month phase of... Joy. I was playing the sport I love, Softball, (and made it onto varsity my first year here) I was in a semi-relationship with a guy that I liked. For the first time in my life I wasn't worried about the physical appearances of me or others. Infact, the guy I liked was NOT "attractive" at all. To me he was, well... is... But I mostly just saw his kind and God-loving heart. And that was all that mattered. 


Then something happened. People say that there will be a calm after a storm... They tell me to "stick it out." 

For me, I see it as there is always a storm after the calm. I was feeling on top of the world. Then all of a sudden, the world came crashing on top of me


Here it is...

                 The feelings returned.

If you don't know exactly what I mean, then I encourage you to look back at my post titled "Being... Different..." or the one called "I don't know what to do" or finally the one named "My trapped journey continues."


Anyways, it has to do with softball season starting up again. I feel like I don't know who I am. I have even taken those crazy quizzes online. I keep asking myself. Why me God? WHY ME?

I repeat this to myself daily, 


God never gives me more than he knows I can handle


As of this month, the month that softball has started back up, that is what gets me to sleep every night. 

I know it is not what God wants for me. But not doing anything about my feelings just hurts my heart. The fact that the now 2 girls I have had these feelings for are both straight, makes me wonder if that is God telling me that it is wrong. I know that is weird. It probably isn't him saying that, but it not only hurts that I know it is wrong, but it also hurts that neither one of those girls feel/felt the same about me. I don't know for sure that the girl I have the feelings for now is straight, but when I think she is flirting with me, I have to realize she is just being nice. She treats me the same way she treats any other girl. 


and that hurts. 


So yup

this is my update. 

Please comment your thoughts. Dont worry you can be honest with me. I want the truth, that is what I am seeking for. What should I do? Does anyone know or have any suggestions?


Thanks for reading once again :)



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Same or opposite-sex, having feelings for someone who can't return them or who isn't interested is really hard. I've had this come up recently with a guy (an ex) who admits some level of feelings for me but not enough to act and in the past, I've been like you, falling for a female friend who was straight. 


I'll say first that I don't think experiencing same-sex attraction is a sin. The pursuing of same-sex relationships might be (I'm honestly undecided) but regardless, over thinking the feelings isn't going to do you any favors and, in my experience, stressing over it can even make things worse. So you find yourself feeling attracted to a girl. Acknowledge it, and move on. Don't punish yourself because you haven't done anything wrong. 


Acting on it is another matter. Really you have two options. You can let the friend you are attracted to know that you are, or you can keep you can simply not say anything. It's really not all that different than if you were considering telling a guy who was potentially unavailable (say because he was gay, or in a relationship, or just not that into you). Ask yourself what you are likely to gain or lose from admitting or not admitting your feelings. If you're of the school of thought that thinks same sex actions/relationships are sinful, then most likely your best bet is to keep quiet. If the person you're interested in is straight (or gay but not into you) admitting your feelings will likely strain that relationship. On the other hand, it may be good for you to have someone to confide in about your feelings however someone you are interested in is still probably the wrong choice for this. 


Hope that helps. I'm happy to discuss more if you have questions. 

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