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izzabella555

I don't know what to do

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Okay, so recently this guy who I knew in 2007 started coming back to church. And his life hasn't been the greatest, he has earrings and a lip piercing. I honestly instantly judged him by his appearance, and I didn't request him to be friends on facebook. But my sister did (She's 15). I'm 21 the guy is 26. Anyways, So March 13th we had a going away party for a friend at the church that was going into the military. We all stayed afterwards to eat and fellowship. The guy came up to me and sat down by me. Mind you this is the first time a guy has every initiated coming and sitting directly by me and started talking to me. And we were talking and he asked about my job, which I stay at home and i'm on the computer most of the time working on my online business. And so, he said "How is it that you're always on your computer and you haven't friend requested me, but your sister has?" And I didn't want to tell him the reason, and talking with him more I realized I shouldn't have judged him so harshly to begin with. And so he couldn't find me on facebook so he gave me his phone to look myself up (That was weird XD) and then he "friend requested me". So when I got home later that night I accepted it, and boldly (I'm very shy) messaged him first and said that I accepted. He makes fun of my height in a playful way all the time. And the first 2 times I saw him at church (One time before we talked and then the time he came to sit by me) he wore a simple t-shirt and shorts. The next time I saw him, it was a Wednesday night and he wore a very nice dress shirt with jeans. And I was surprised at it, not knowing that he'd dress up, because he didn't before.

 

And so, since then he always wears dressier clothing, and we talked about every day on facebook, and we talk after church we both sit on the couch in the foyer and we just sit there and talk waiting for my friend, she's my ride home. And then, he's made a few remarks about me finding someone, like, I said how I'm not really confident enough to really start conversations with people, and he said "Maybe one day you'll find the right guy and then you'll be included in all the conversations" That was random and I wasn't expecting that answer lol. And so, his mom also came up one of those days and said bye and goodnight to him, and as she walked away he said "Moms" and I couldn't remember what he said about them, and then he said "The second you show interest in a girl, they go "Oh wanna see his baby pictures!"" And idk why he is making these remarks lol. But anyways, I also told him about how I get dizzy headaches,  said this around March 22nd, and then just last week he randomly messaged me this headache remedy, forgetting I even said anything about headaches I said "Oddly enough I had one right now" and he said he figured I would, I asked why, he said that I told him that I always have them, practically all the time. I couldn't remember when I said this so I searched through my messages to find that I said it around March 22nd, and then he's just now mentioning it lol. I thought that was a little weird. And another time where I got my bottom braces (I have my full braces now) He came up to me and said they looked good, and he said "i thought they'd look like " and makes a weird face then instantly says "No I didn't I don't know why I did that" He also one time was talking to my sister while I was sitting there and she says something about slapping him, and he said that I would never slap him, (I'm not that kind of person) And he grabs my arm with one hand, puts it on his hand and tells me to grab it, and then slaps himself. (That was really awkward) He couldn't decide if that would've been weird or if him just grabbing my hand to slap him would've been weirder. HE said this.

 

And then he also hit me on the top of the head (Just tapped) with his bible as he was about to leave, and said bye. He has told me he isn't "Christian enough" is what he said to come every service. He is saved. And I suddenly saw him Sunday morning (He hasn't came a Sunday morning before) and also Sunday morning Sunday school! And he wore a suit as well. And he ends up poking me before he leaves that morning. And when he can't talk to me much he always says "Sorry I didn't talk to you much today" I say that it's okay. 

 

Anyways this has been within the last few weeks. My dad doesn't like him, because of his piercings I believe. He calls him a freak, and I get mad because I think well, all he see's is the outside, not the inside where he is coming to church (More regularly than my parents I might add) And I also, prayed to God in late December that if I know my future husband (The guy wasn't coming at that time, this was directed towards someone else) That he would come and start talking to me, or introduce himself. (If I didn't know him) And so, randomly months later, the guy just comes and starts talking to me (Mind you I haven't seen him for almost 10 years, and last time I saw him I was 13.) And we are able to talk just like any normal conversation, and I don't normally talk to guys I'm normally shy around him. But, the thing is, I think I'm starting to like him. And I'm not sure what to do, because I believe God answered my prayer with my future husband coming to talk to me with this guy, but my dad doesn't like him.

 

 

What is your insight to this whole situation?

Edited by izzabella555

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My thoughts are thus: 

 

1. I personally find facial piercings to be gross, but while they might suggest a level of affiliation with some sort of 'counterculture' they in no way shape or form tell you anything about a person's character. 

 

2. The guy is definitely interested in you. 

 

3. "Is this my future husband?" is the wrong question to ask about a person when you're just getting to know them.

 

4. You should ask your dad *why* he doesn't like the guy (in a calm voice, in a neutral way, not attacking) because there's a chance it may not actually be just about the piercings. However, you are 21. Taking your parents advice is great thing, but you got make your own decisions. 

 

Honestly, it sounds like a great opportunity and an interesting guy. If I were you, though, I'd really try *NOT* to look for really obvious signs that this is your future husband. It'll clog your thinking, you see. I'm not saying God didn't put him in your life for a reason but you really don't know him that well yet. "Guard your heart" and whatnot. As you two get closer, and you can really figure out what type of person he is past the cute gestures then you can start thinking "Is this the type of man who I could spend the rest of my life with and who will bring me closer to God?" if the answer is yes, then yes, let it happen. But don't let your eyes get clouded by warm fuzzies to the loss of good judgement. At least not for a bit. ;-)

Edited by Marley

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Well, I have in in the past dated one other person, once my dad explained it to me I saw him through my dad's eyes, but I honestly think that I need to see people (espeically who I might marry) in God's eyes. And just like one of the older people who have told me just the other day, it's not about who others want you to marry, it's about who God wants you to marry. And I wasn't saying this is who I'm going to marry, I just didn't really think about the prayer I had until a while after I was thinking back on things and realized that's exactally how I prayed. But of course I wouldn't know until that time comes.

 

But you really think he is interested in me? I mean, I was thinking he might like me, but I wasn't too sure. And when I first talked to him, the first night he was there, he asked "What do you think should I get a second one?" To make them look like snake bites I think their called. I said "Personally I don't like piercings to if you ask me you won't get an answer" So he already knows by that statement I don't like them. 

 

I've also asked my friend personally what she thought about him, she says With God she believes he can become a really great guy. And she said that she'd let me know if she thinks someone isn't even just a good friendship for me. But she doesn't see anything "Wrong" with the guy. And of course the piercings have to be his own conviction. I believe if we get closer, (Much closer) I could maybe talk to him about it. But right now is just not the right time, he's trying to figure everything out really.

Edited by izzabella555

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I'm not saying you should go against God. I'm just saying that sometimes, we can think God is telling us something when it's really just us hoping hard for a clear message when God's message is more of a "wait". We're told not to test God (Luke 4:12) and yet you sometimes get people going "Ok God.... if he's my future husband give me a for sure sign! Make him sit in THIS pew. Make him wear this!" It's hard being single. I remember I had a high school boyfriend I kept thinking might be the "one" because of weird little coincidences like him having the same patron saint as me, or liking wood working (Jesus was a carpenter!) and it retrospect, that was just me hoping. He definitely had a role in my life, but that wasn't who I was being called to. 

 

As for him being interested, I mean I could be wrong, I don't know ya'll but it sure seems like he's going out his way for you which usually means interest. My personal experience with guys is kind of "If you think he might be interested, he probably is" but I'm also pretty good at picking up those cues... even if I'm typically to shy to respond to them. 

 

Just be friendly. Get to know him and see what happens. :)

Edited by Marley

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Thank you I appreciate it. But I wasn't saying the prayer to him specifically, or saying he should wear something specific. I just prayed the prayer, and I wasn't expecting it to happen, I was hoping it would, but sometimes I get confused on what to pray and what's considered "Testing God" Because I have prayed multiple times, for God to show me a sign if someone is the one for me. I have prayed before saying that, and if he is or isn't then show me a sign, the guy I had liked before, when praying that, that day the guy (Who normally looks at me at least once) never looked at me or anything that night. So I was sad thinking that he wasn't going to be the guy I am going to Marry, but I understand what you're saying, maybe it's just not the time. But I am so ready to get married, and I want to so badly, it's just I guess I'm a little sad that I haven't been even in a decent relationship to even consider marriage. My first (And only) boyfriend at 18, I thought I had loved him and he talked about getting married, of course I never really said anything about it just smiled after he said something about it. And he was saying after I turn 20, well we only dated 7 months. And it was when I knew him before, and I decided that 7 months (Based on all my friendships etc) is the time where people finally show their true colors. So I decided I'm going to get to know a guy for at least 7 months before I start to show interest in them. Well, that didn't work, but I don't want him to just, loose interest in me because of that, and I don't want to tell him about the 7 month thing because then he'd think that's too long or something idk, I think I'm overthinking all of this and just need to leave it to God.

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You're fine. You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders about all this actually! 

 

And I feel ya. I'm 25 and still waiting on God. It's a tough place to be especially since, around that time ALL of your friends seem to be getting married (or in my case having babies.... so many babies on my FB feed). I feel like for me personally, the last few months have been a bit harder because I'm in a new town and my sister (who is 23) is getting married to her second boyfriend. Everything with my family is wedding focused and even though I know that it's dumb, I feel a little bit like the old maid. 

 

My advice to you would be to not be afraid of getting to know a lot of different people/guys. I'm not saying date a lot of people but just don't be afraid to get to know folks. Maybe even go out on a few first and second dates. It's a little harder when you're young, but once you get to about "college-age" the rule is you typically get 2-3 dates where it's "No harm, no fowl" if you don't see it going anywhere. While these dates tend to be awkward as all get out, they can also help boost your confidence and determine what qualities you think are important in a future husband. 

 

Also, while I think it's good to be mindful going into a relationship I would be careful about the 7 month thing. It's not that he'll necessarily lose interest, but if the only message your giving off is "I don't want to date you" eventually he's going to move on thinking he doesn't have a shot. Going on a few date-like-outings doesn't mean you're "dating", showing interest in a guy doesn't mean your gonna marry him.  Be cautious, but if he's a good guy try not to shut him out totally. 

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Yea that's what I'm having trouble with. We got to sit down and talk for like five minutes today. Although he had a kit he was watching and then he had to take him home. So I know if he has the kid with him (It's not his kid, it's a friends) than we wont get to talk much. He also brought up some things I haven't talked about for a few weeks, it's actually getting weird lol. But I know that he actually pays attention to our conversations, even if most of them are just on facebook. But I do think I'm putting off signs I like him, which I haven't admitted to anyone (Including myself) But I do think I'm starting to actually like him, and I mean some guys well, most guys can't tell "signs" and so, even if I put off that I like him, he probably won't notice lol. But either way, I do think I just need to get to know him a bit more. And I am not going to be dating, I'm going to be courting, so that's something I haven't brought up yet because I don't want to scare him off or anything. I think I might just bring it up as a random conversation, but I guess if he doesn't like it, it means that he wasn't the one for me. Because I don't want someone to do courting because that's what "I want" I want him to want the same thing.

 

 

 

Edit to add-

 

I was talking to him tonight, and I already know we have a few things in common . And with reading the bible and praying I have deicded when I am married, I will not be working. I will be staying home to take care of my husband and family. So a while ago I asked him to pray for me as I was looking at two job offers I had gotten and what God's will is for me. And he brought it up tonight when we talked, and I said after I got home and messaged him, my saying I want to stay home and be a keeper at home, I showed him verses and he at first said." those were different times... Women work now... back then they didn't, it's your choice listen to what God tells you." And so, I got mad at this statement but quickly decided against being mad and decided to explain my side with scripture. And he said "I agree but that's after you have a husband and family" And I asked what he agreed on to make it clear and not just assume. And he said he agreed on the women staying home and taking care of her husband and family. This is one of the main factors I wanted in a Husband. One that will agree and believe with me on this topic. And he isn't saying it because he wants to marry me, I know that because we haven't even discussed us as a couple or anything.

 

And so, I was getting a little discouraged, all the guys (About 3) at my church around my age, their moms all work, and so I thought that they wouldn't think of the wife and mother staying home. They wouldn't understand why I had to etc. And well, I didn't rule these guys out, but I knew it'd be a difficult topic to maybe discuss. And I discussed it with this guy, and he totally agrees with me. I was shocked to be honest. Now I need to casually ask what he thinks of courtship. If he agrees with that, then that's just another thing we agree on etc. I mean, I'm trying to guard my heart here, and make sure I keep a watchful eye on everything he says and does, and tells me about his life etc. And see how he reacts to certain situations. He is currently trying to get out of a not so good situation at his house (He lives with a roommate) And he wants to move. I just found out yesterday he got a second Job. I'm not sure why he did, but I believe it could be to save up money to get a new house once he finds one. I have a few houses up for sale on my street, I've been a little hesitant to tell him about them, because I didn't want it to seem weird. But yea, I just wanted to share this with you, And I think it's going really good, we have known and talked with eachother for just about a month. the 13th (Only because I am good with remembering dates) is the date we started talking on facebook etc, and so it'll be a full month since I started talking to him. I know a lot a bout him so far, and I like what I know. And I'm trying to keep a watchful eye for things that don't add up or aren't good etc. So please pray that I am able to be keen into these things. (If there are any.)

Edited by izzabella555

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