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terrified that i'm beyond God's reach

hi... so um recently i've been caught in a cycle of backsliding, going back to God, backsliding, going back to God, and... you get the idea. i thought i was out of it, but then i fell again–i just ceased to feel God's presence. He was just gone. 

and so yesterday, after two weeks of God's absence, i broke down and i just thought,"okay, maybe this is just a test of faith. i just need to go back and even if i don't feel Him with me, i'll believe that He'll come back. we are saved through faith which leads to obedience in His sacrifice." 

but today evening someone i'd asked for help earlier on told me to just ask God what i needed to do to get Him back. so i did–and what happened is that this voice clearly spoke in my mind, saying,"repent and turn from your sin."

and at this point fear struck me and i just flew into panic mode. firstly because i thought that i had already done that to the best of my ability (i use the phrase "to the best of my ability" because my heart feels insincere in practically everything and i can't change it nor do i even know where to start), secondly because i've got a lot of sins, but the one that made me terrified was this: the refusal to preach–because it was just that. a refusal. unwillingness. the thought of preaching, especially to friends, terrifies me. the thought of Hell terrifies me too, and i can never overcome either one of them.

and it feels like the only person who can truly change my heart and give me courage to preach is God, because i can't do it on my own... but then i think,"that can't be true," because it feels like He's asking me to figure it out on my own. His help is far, far away, it is somewhere i can't reach, i don't even know where He is. 

and i thought of Proverbs 29:1. i searched it up came across this website that said,"When sinners are lost their consciences will forever reproach them for destroying themselves. They are made to eat of the fruit of their own ways, and are filled with their own devices. They utterly perish in their own corruption. By hardening his neck, the sinner, with his own hand, closes the door of heaven against himself." and it just scared me even more... especially the phrase, "their consciences will forever reproach them for destroying themselves" because that's what i feel like right now. am i too far gone? is it too late for me to be saved and be with God? please, please someone help me. i can't stand this and i feel so alone, just please help me. please.

[link to the website i mentioned: http://www.reformedreader.org/rbs/nettleton01.htm]

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You'll never be too far gone from God. He's the only one who knows if you truly want to be with Him. If you do, God will never fail to bring you to Him. God can do anything, so whatever you do or have done is never too much for God. Nothing is out of His reach. :)

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Peace is from God, while the fear and anxiety you're experiencing is from Satan. But don't get fear mixed up with conviction, it sounds like God is convicting you of some sins and calling you to make changes. If you keep trying, but continue to backslide, then I recommend confessing those sins and struggles to someone you trust, and ask that person to check up on you and hold you accountable for your actions. I know it's really hard, especially to admit your sins to someone, but it really helps, Jesus even instructs to confess your sins. 

Remember that you've been saved by faith and not by works (Ephesians 2:8) so the "best of your ability" will never be good enough for God (because God is perfect and we're obviously not), that's why God send His son Jesus to die for our sins. Don't get caught up in your multitude of sins, we're all sinners, but remember that "Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst" (1 Timothy 1:15) Now that's Paul talking, the guy who wrote multiple books in the Bible, and he's saying that he is the worst sinner out there. So don't think that your sin prevents God from using you at all; He can still use you, but not nearly as well as if you get rid of the sin in your life. 

You mention that you feel called to "preach" to your friends. That means God is probably calling you to evangelism, which is basically sharing youth faith and the good news (the Gospel) with those around you. Getting started talking about youth faith is the hardest part, once you start talking to people about God it becomes easier and more natural. Dare2Share has some great resources for sharing your faith, especially for youth, they also have a really nice and clear format to share the Gospel with. Just remember to spend lots of time in prayer, about getting rid of your sins and about sharing the Gospel.


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