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ellie summers

self-decieved false convert

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I grew up in a Christian home but I am a false convert. the things I know about Christianity just seem to be facts in my head--like how you know history or how you know a fictional character--and it doesn't have an impact on me. i don't even know where to start explaining, but i am self-deceived. i believe that there is a point of no return where you cannot longer hear the Spirit's voice; i am afraid that i have gotten there. there is no fear of judgment or conviction over sin in me; i am a godless and superficial person. i am afraid (now i say that i am afraid but somehow i feel nothing at all) that soon i will be completely deceived and buy into the lie of easy believism.

everything is so messed up and i don't know where to begin. i know the first thing that must change is my heart, and that heart change takes effort on my part too but i need encouragement; i am spiritually lazy and i need help fighting that. if i am being completely honest i don't even care anymore. i need to care about salvation and God again before it is too late.

last year a few things happened; i was sinning and sinning and sinning and i felt God leave me one day, that is the feeling of His presence just disappeared. from then on i started to hear all these voices inside me that i thought were God. it was incredibly confusing because they would all tell me to do different things (the actions they wanted me to carry out were based on God's law, but they interpreted situations differently and so the actions they thought i should take weren't the same as one another) and i'd be left stranded, not knowing which voice to follow or what to do. whenever i failed to obey one of them i would feel guilty. i now think those voices were my conscience, but when i was in that situation it seemed so much more than that to me. anyway all in all what happened in the end was that after a few months i really couldn't stand it any longer. they would pick on me from every small thing and it was incredibly stressful and so i just shut it off completely. i couldn't anymore. from then on i started sliding back in my Christian walk and i would make excuses--'it's not that bad', 'reading a bit of the Bible will fix it, a bit of prayer will fix it and i can just let it alone after that', 'i don't need to try so hard'. those are lies and i know it. i knew it.

so i'm here now, wherever this is. and i know i don't have much time before i become completely blind spiritually. i read 2 Peter 2:10-22 today and i know in my head that it describes me but my heart remains untouched and unfocused on God. i doubt it even knows Him.

soi'm asking for help because i don't know what else to do. am i condemned already? or am i close to that? if so, how do i turn back? please be frank with me; don't be afraid to be harsh or to rebuke me.

and lastly regarding repentance--how do i do that? if i cannot feel anything and my heart is completely evil, without a speck of light in it, how am i supposed to change? 

Edited by ellie summers

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On 22/2/2018 at 5:34 AM, ellie summers said:

I grew up in a Christian home but I am a false convert. the things I know about Christianity just seem to be facts in my head--like how you know history or how you know a fictional character--and it doesn't have an impact on me. i don't even know where to start explaining, but i am self-deceived. i believe that there is a point of no return where you cannot longer hear the Spirit's voice; i am afraid that i have gotten there. there is no fear of judgment or conviction over sin in me; i am a godless and superficial person. i am afraid (now i say that i am afraid but somehow i feel nothing at all) that soon i will be completely deceived and buy into the lie of easy believism.

everything is so messed up and i don't know where to begin. i know the first thing that must change is my heart, and that heart change takes effort on my part too but i need encouragement; i am spiritually lazy and i need help fighting that. if i am being completely honest i don't even care anymore. i need to care about salvation and God again before it is too late.

last year a few things happened; i was sinning and sinning and sinning and i felt God leave me one day, that is the feeling of His presence just disappeared. from then on i started to hear all these voices inside me that i thought were God. it was incredibly confusing because they would all tell me to do different things (the actions they wanted me to carry out were based on God's law, but they interpreted situations differently and so the actions they thought i should take weren't the same as one another) and i'd be left stranded, not knowing which voice to follow or what to do. whenever i failed to obey one of them i would feel guilty. i now think those voices were my conscience, but when i was in that situation it seemed so much more than that to me. anyway all in all what happened in the end was that after a few months i really couldn't stand it any longer. they would pick on me from every small thing and it was incredibly stressful and so i just shut it off completely. i couldn't anymore. from then on i started sliding back in my Christian walk and i would make excuses--'it's not that bad', 'reading a bit of the Bible will fix it, a bit of prayer will fix it and i can just let it alone after that', 'i don't need to try so hard'. those are lies and i know it. i knew it.

so i'm here now, wherever this is. and i know i don't have much time before i become completely blind spiritually. i read 2 Peter 2:10-22 today and i know in my head that it describes me but my heart remains untouched and unfocused on God. i doubt it even knows Him.

soi'm asking for help because i don't know what else to do. am i condemned already? or am i close to that? if so, how do i turn back? please be frank with me; don't be afraid to be harsh or to rebuke me.

and lastly regarding repentance--how do i do that? if i cannot feel anything and my heart is completely evil, without a speck of light in it, how am i supposed to change? 

God bless you Elllie. I just want to let you know that i have been spiritually lazy. I would always make up excuses to not do what I wanted to do for God. Those voices who are telling you to do things, you have to rebuke it in the name of Jesus. Those voices aren't from God, its from the enemy who is attacking you. All I have to say is pray and fast so that God can open your eyes to see the truth and to give you the strength that you use to do for God.  The enmy is attacking you to cut you off and stop you from knowing the truth. You have to keep fighting. God gaves us authority to rebuke demons but you have to ask God to help you. In Jeremiah 33:3 said call on me and I will respond. Call him and he will help you. He sees what you're going through. If you have questions, ask him. If you need help ask him. You are not condemed. The devil is a liar. You got to rebuke those negative thoughts. God loves you and he is willing to give you a second chance. We are in the final times and we have to be firm and to seek God more than ever.  Accept God again. Ask him to clean you from your sins. Ask him for forgivenes.  Yes you have to care about your salvation; that's important but you also have to care about the people in the world. In the bible says that we have to preach the word out of time and in of time. Ask God to change your heart, he will. Int he bible says that God will remove the heart of stone and will replace it with a new heart. Keep on moving forward. Keep on fighting and remember if Jesus could overcome what he gone through; so can you. I love you as your sister in Christ and keep on moving forward. God bless you. 

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