Love Triangle...

[lucious]

This is a complicated and drawn out story, so bear with me.

Last year, I moved and began my first year at a new high school as a junior.

• Enter neighbor, let's say  "Sarah". A homeschooled neighbor girl invited me to the state fair as we were settling in to our house. This was my first really experience with a girl, I was excited and thought gee maybe someone likes me. She invited me to something again a week later... then another week passes and we did something else. Then I find out she has a boyfriend. Yay. We pretty much lose contact for a few months and we rarely talk or hang out. She invites me to a movie sometime in the spring, and we begin to watch a movie almost every week for about a month and a half since we both had Movie Pass. Anyways, I finally think something is happening. I don't really know why I like her other than the attention I'm getting from her, but it's enough to woo me over. I ask her out to prom and she says yes... later she clarifies if it's as friends or date, I suggest date and she agrees. It goes well. Then things go south. She ignores me and doesn't want to hang out anymore. Cool. Then suddenly we start hanging out a bit again. Then while I'm at work I go on Instagram and find she posted pictures of her and a new boyfriend at the state fair. (one full year has now passed) Gee that's terrific. She never said anything to me. I pretty much sever ties with her and we don't talk much anymore. I tried to explain to her that I was hurt but I don't think she fully understands. Anyways so that's great. I feel terrible and just feel forever alone at this point. This was about a month or two ago.
• Enter girl, let's say "Jill". During the whole last year, this one girl really liked me. Like really liked me. We went to homecoming and she asked me to Sades but I had come up with an excuse to not go. I kind of realized she liked me but didn't think much of it and was trying not to hurt her by getting her hopes up. Unfortunately I was too infatuated with Sarah to really notice and process it. Long and the short of it is, we get along really well. When Sarah was over and I came out of my bubble, I realized what was right there in front of me. I truly can see spending my life with Jill.
• Enter best friend, "Matt". I've been friends with him since the third grade. We've shared so many great experiences and are truly best friends and have each other's backs. We've talked about girls and how we must acquire a treasured girlfriend. He liked a different girl, she's mostly irrelevant, and asked her to prom, almost entirely during the same time as I liked Sarah.

Matt suddenly likes Jill. At Sades, when Jill asked me, she then asked best friend as an alternative. Jill never considered liking best friend. Matt says he likes her, she says she does not. 

Beginning of August, about a week or two before Sarah posts pics of boyfriend at fair, Matt tells me he really likes Jill. At the time I still liked Sarah, so I said go for it. He asks and she says yes, so they become a thing... Soon having their first kiss and he's actually now going with her on a family vacation to Hawaii in November...

At this time I fully realize how big of a mistake the last year had been. When I lost both Sarah and then now Jill, I realized what a fool I had been. Jealousy perhaps, although I think I've ruled that out. I realize I care for Jill far more than I realized, to the point of loving her, and I'm scared of losing her.

So now, I like girl. Jill still shares feelings for me, and said that she would emotionally chose me over my friend. Matt knows I like her and essentially says there's always another girl.

It's so easy to say that when you have a beautiful girlfriend ready to cuddle with you.

So basically, at this point, it's incredibly difficult for me to hang out when both Matt and Jill are together. As it makes me realize I wasted a year pursuing nothing when a shining jewel was chasing behind me. I feel awful and it's hurting my relationship with both. I find it difficult to be friends with girl, simply because we have mutual feelings and I don't know how safe it is to be friends and I don't really know how to just be friends with a girl I like. It's also obviously caused some tension with my friend.

Even if Jill and I were to be together, likely it would ruin relationship with Matt unless he is the one who breaks up.

 

 

So. Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully understand my story... My question is, how do I proceed? Who is right? Can I still be friends with girl? How do I know what God wants?

Also any words of sympathy, or rebuke, would be appreciated as this is a hard and confusing time for me right now.

Edited September 19, 2018 by lucious
edited to include fake names for clarity

[Bay]

17 hours ago, lucious said:

This is a complicated and drawn out story, so bear with me.

Last year, I moved and began my first year at a new high school as a junior.

• Enter neighbor. A homeschooled neighbor girl invited me to the state fair as we were settling in to our house. This was my first really experience with a girl, I was excited and thought gee maybe someone likes me. She invited me to something again a week later... then another week passes and we did something else. Then I find out she has a boyfriend. Yay. We pretty much lose contact for a few months and we rarely talk or hang out. She invites me to a movie sometime in the spring, and we begin to watch a movie almost every week for about a month and a half since we both had Movie Pass. Anyways, I finally think something is happening. I don't really know why I like her other than the attention I'm getting from her, but it's enough to woo me over. I ask her out to prom and she says yes... later she clarifies if it's as friends or date, I suggest date and she agrees. It goes well. Then things go south. She ignores me and doesn't want to hang out anymore. Cool. Then suddenly we start hanging out a bit again. Then while I'm at work I go on Instagram and find she posted pictures of her and a new boyfriend at the state fair. (one full year has now passed) Gee that's terrific. She never said anything to me. I pretty much sever ties with her and we don't talk much anymore. I tried to explain to her that I was hurt but I don't think she fully understands. Anyways so that's great. I feel terrible and just feel forever alone at this point. This was about a month or two ago.
• Enter girl. During the whole last year, this one girl really liked me. Like really liked me. We went to homecoming and she asked me to Sades but I had come up with an excuse to not go. I kind of realized she liked me but didn't think much of it and was trying not to hurt her by getting her hopes up. Unfortunately I was too infatuated with neighbor to really notice and process it. Long and the short of it is, we get along really well. When neighbor girl was over and I came out of my bubble, I realized what was right there in front of me. I truly can see spending my life with her.
• Enter best friend. I've been friends with him since the third grade. We've shared so many great experiences and are truly best friends and have each other's backs. We've talked about girls and how we must acquire a treasured girlfriend. He liked a different girl, girl #2 for clarification but she's mostly irrelevant, and asked her to prom, almost entirely during the same time as I liked neighbor girl.

Best friend suddenly likes girl. At Sades, when girl asked me, she then asked best friend as an alternative. Girl never considered liking best friend. Best friend says he likes her, she says she does not. 

Beginning of August, about a week or two before neighbor girl posts pics of boyfriend at fair, best friend tells me he really likes girl. At the time I still liked neighbor girl, so I said go for it. He asks and she says yes, so they become a thing... Soon having their first kiss and he's actually now going with her on a family vacation to Hawaii in November...

At this time I fully realize how big of a mistake the last year had been. When I lost both my neighbor and then now girl, I realized what a fool I had been. Jealousy perhaps, although I think I've ruled that out. I realize I care for girl far more than I realized, to the point of loving her, and I'm scared of losing her.

So now, I like girl. Girl still shares feelings for me, and said that she would emotionally chose me over my friend. My best friend knows I like her and essentially says there's always another girl.

It's so easy to say that when you have a beautiful girlfriend ready to cuddle with you.

So basically, at this point, it's incredibly difficult for me to hang out when both my friend and girl are together. As it makes me realize I wasted a year pursuing nothing when a shining jewel was chasing behind me. I feel awful and it's hurting my relationship with both. I find it difficult to be friends with girl, simply because we have mutual feelings and I don't know how safe it is to be friends and I don't really know how to just be friends with a girl I like. It's also obviously caused some tension with my friend.

Even if girl and I were to be together, likely it would ruin relationship with my friend unless he is the one who breaks up.

 

 

So. Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully understand my story... My question is, how do I proceed? Who is right? Can I still be friends with girl? How do I know what God wants?

Also any words of sympathy, or rebuke, would be appreciated as this is a hard and confusing time for me right now.

I honestly have know wisdom to shed here,  other than to pray on it. It might take time but God always listens to our prayers. And he will answer in his own time, whether we like the answer or not. 

[Buoyancy]

20 hours ago, lucious said:

This is a complicated and drawn out story, so bear with me.

Last year, I moved and began my first year at a new high school as a junior.

• Enter neighbor. A homeschooled neighbor girl invited me to the state fair as we were settling in to our house. This was my first really experience with a girl, I was excited and thought gee maybe someone likes me. She invited me to something again a week later... then another week passes and we did something else. Then I find out she has a boyfriend. Yay. We pretty much lose contact for a few months and we rarely talk or hang out. She invites me to a movie sometime in the spring, and we begin to watch a movie almost every week for about a month and a half since we both had Movie Pass. Anyways, I finally think something is happening. I don't really know why I like her other than the attention I'm getting from her, but it's enough to woo me over. I ask her out to prom and she says yes... later she clarifies if it's as friends or date, I suggest date and she agrees. It goes well. Then things go south. She ignores me and doesn't want to hang out anymore. Cool. Then suddenly we start hanging out a bit again. Then while I'm at work I go on Instagram and find she posted pictures of her and a new boyfriend at the state fair. (one full year has now passed) Gee that's terrific. She never said anything to me. I pretty much sever ties with her and we don't talk much anymore. I tried to explain to her that I was hurt but I don't think she fully understands. Anyways so that's great. I feel terrible and just feel forever alone at this point. This was about a month or two ago.
• Enter girl. During the whole last year, this one girl really liked me. Like really liked me. We went to homecoming and she asked me to Sades but I had come up with an excuse to not go. I kind of realized she liked me but didn't think much of it and was trying not to hurt her by getting her hopes up. Unfortunately I was too infatuated with neighbor to really notice and process it. Long and the short of it is, we get along really well. When neighbor girl was over and I came out of my bubble, I realized what was right there in front of me. I truly can see spending my life with her.
• Enter best friend. I've been friends with him since the third grade. We've shared so many great experiences and are truly best friends and have each other's backs. We've talked about girls and how we must acquire a treasured girlfriend. He liked a different girl, girl #2 for clarification but she's mostly irrelevant, and asked her to prom, almost entirely during the same time as I liked neighbor girl.

Best friend suddenly likes girl. At Sades, when girl asked me, she then asked best friend as an alternative. Girl never considered liking best friend. Best friend says he likes her, she says she does not. 

Beginning of August, about a week or two before neighbor girl posts pics of boyfriend at fair, best friend tells me he really likes girl. At the time I still liked neighbor girl, so I said go for it. He asks and she says yes, so they become a thing... Soon having their first kiss and he's actually now going with her on a family vacation to Hawaii in November...

At this time I fully realize how big of a mistake the last year had been. When I lost both my neighbor and then now girl, I realized what a fool I had been. Jealousy perhaps, although I think I've ruled that out. I realize I care for girl far more than I realized, to the point of loving her, and I'm scared of losing her.

So now, I like girl. Girl still shares feelings for me, and said that she would emotionally chose me over my friend. My best friend knows I like her and essentially says there's always another girl.

It's so easy to say that when you have a beautiful girlfriend ready to cuddle with you.

So basically, at this point, it's incredibly difficult for me to hang out when both my friend and girl are together. As it makes me realize I wasted a year pursuing nothing when a shining jewel was chasing behind me. I feel awful and it's hurting my relationship with both. I find it difficult to be friends with girl, simply because we have mutual feelings and I don't know how safe it is to be friends and I don't really know how to just be friends with a girl I like. It's also obviously caused some tension with my friend.

Even if girl and I were to be together, likely it would ruin relationship with my friend unless he is the one who breaks up.

 

 

So. Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully understand my story... My question is, how do I proceed? Who is right? Can I still be friends with girl? How do I know what God wants?

Also any words of sympathy, or rebuke, would be appreciated as this is a hard and confusing time for me right now.

The first girl  is about as useful to you as wilted lettuce.  Do yourself a favor and move on.  If she can’t understand that her actions caused you pain, then she is not good for you. A decent human would apologize.

~~~

Next time you have a long story, please name people with fake names. I’m getting confused.

As for the missing the signs, you live and you learn. Many people DO NOT MEET THEIR SPOUSE IN THE TEEN YEARS. Despite the rampant hormones, the social pressure, the unrealistic expectations Disney movies have placed on us, amongst a myriad of other factors, such as your brain changing dramatically between age 15 and age 22, many people who get into long term relationships as teens do not keep these relationships into adulthood. Something to keep in mind as a kid who seems to have marriage aspirations.

~~~

I must ask. How much do you REALLY care about her? From what I’m reading, this sounds kind of like you’re jealous of who your friend has and mad at your mistakes. Which is a totally normal reaction, it just doesn’t sound much like love. True love is selfless and would put the wants of the other human first.

Kind of a convoluted example from my own life, but here goes.

I have a guy friend, let’s call him Dan. Dan and I have been friends since were teenagers.  He was my type and talking to him made me happy (still does!). We tried dating in our early 20’s but we were both too dense and desperate for romance for it to be a lasting relationship. He called it off. Long story short, we’re both still really good friends. We have a deep connection and can talk to each other about basically anything. He’s helped me when I’ve been depressed, I’ve encouraged him when he’s been down in the dumps. We’re both single and I’m not gonna lie, I have some feelings for the dude. He’s caring, compassionate, has the right balance of emotion and logic…

But Dan doesn’t like Becky.  Not like that. I’ve been called his best friend, his sister, “bud”.  He also likes one our mutual friends currently (not that she’s aware of it to my knowledge.)

Which, stings, I’ll admit, but I respect Dan. I respect him and his feelings and choices more than I want to fulfill my wants.  I love him in that I want the absolute best for him and if the absolute best for him isn’t me right now or me ever, I still want that for him. 

 

~~~

Emotionally choose you? What’s that mean? Also if she’s going to play around with hearts and boys, this is a pattern that could follow her until adulthood. Would you want to date someone who’d dump someone else so easily? What if you get on the receiving end of that? Ouch, man.
~~~

 

 

Being friends with people you like?... just be friendly. Don’t kiss them, keep hugs to a minimum, if your feelings are strong, always hang out in group company, don’t be alone.  But since she likes you back… I’d play it safe and just not mess with that flame. You or someone else is going to get hurt even worse if you interfere with this relationship between your bro and the lady.  

 

If you wish to be friends with one or either of these individuals, you have to work through your feelings. You have to move on with the dreams of romance.

 

You proceed day by day. Not feeling like talking to these two? Keep convos to a minimum.

Feeling friendly? Say hi!

 

As for what God wants, ask him! Communicate with him and you’ll get answers or things will happen so your next move becomes clear.

[lucious]

1 hour ago, Boogles said:

The first girl  is about as useful to you as wilted lettuce.  Do yourself a favor and move on.  If she can’t understand that her actions caused you pain, then she is not good for you. A decent human would apologize.

~~~

Next time you have a long story, please name people with fake names. I’m getting confused.

As for the missing the signs, you live and you learn. Many people DO NOT MEET THEIR SPOUSE IN THE TEEN YEARS. Despite the rampant hormones, the social pressure, the unrealistic expectations Disney movies have placed on us, amongst a myriad of other factors, such as your brain changing dramatically between age 15 and age 22, many people who get into long term relationships as teens do not keep these relationships into adulthood. Something to keep in mind as a kid who seems to have marriage aspirations.

~~~

I must ask. How much do you REALLY care about her? From what I’m reading, this sounds kind of like you’re jealous of who your friend has and mad at your mistakes. Which is a totally normal reaction, it just doesn’t sound much like love. True love is selfless and would put the wants of the other human first.

Kind of a convoluted example from my own life, but here goes.

I have a guy friend, let’s call him Dan. Dan and I have been friends since were teenagers.  He was my type and talking to him made me happy (still does!). We tried dating in our early 20’s but we were both too dense and desperate for romance for it to be a lasting relationship. He called it off. Long story short, we’re both still really good friends. We have a deep connection and can talk to each other about basically anything. He’s helped me when I’ve been depressed, I’ve encouraged him when he’s been down in the dumps. We’re both single and I’m not gonna lie, I have some feelings for the dude. He’s caring, compassionate, has the right balance of emotion and logic…

But Dan doesn’t like Becky.  Not like that. I’ve been called his best friend, his sister, “bud”.  He also likes one our mutual friends currently (not that she’s aware of it to my knowledge.)

Which, stings, I’ll admit, but I respect Dan. I respect him and his feelings and choices more than I want to fulfill my wants.  I love him in that I want the absolute best for him and if the absolute best for him isn’t me right now or me ever, I still want that for him. 

 

~~~

Emotionally choose you? What’s that mean? Also if she’s going to play around with hearts and boys, this is a pattern that could follow her until adulthood. Would you want to date someone who’d dump someone else so easily? What if you get on the receiving end of that? Ouch, man.
~~~

 

 

Being friends with people you like?... just be friendly. Don’t kiss them, keep hugs to a minimum, if your feelings are strong, always hang out in group company, don’t be alone.  But since she likes you back… I’d play it safe and just not mess with that flame. You or someone else is going to get hurt even worse if you interfere with this relationship between your bro and the lady.  

 

If you wish to be friends with one or either of these individuals, you have to work through your feelings. You have to move on with the dreams of romance.

 

You proceed day by day. Not feeling like talking to these two? Keep convos to a minimum.

Feeling friendly? Say hi!

 

As for what God wants, ask him! Communicate with him and you’ll get answers or things will happen so your next move becomes clear.

Thanks for the advice... And yeah I should have used fake names, sorry xD

--

I ask myself that. I asked myself before why I didn't like her and I ask myself now why I do like her. How does one determine true love? I've wondered if my sudden like for her is a fear of losing her and the treasure she is.

I've prayed and am continuing to do so and presently feel at peace with just being friends... Neither of us want to lose each others' friendship. Initially I severed all ties in my desperation and was told she literally cried, desperate for another solution so that we could remain friends. 

I just don't know how viable it is to "just" be friends. She is very physically touchy just based on her personality, and is physically close and touches me fairly often. I don't know if that's healthy or not, for both of us.

It'll be difficult to say the least.

--

When I said "emotionally chose me" she said that under present circumstances she would chose me (she's always liked me, "the most" so to say), but she's unsure of what God wants and is fearful of losing my best friend's friendship in both of our lives and is already committed to him. She's not frivolous, she only dates those who she would legitimately consider spending her life with, as would I. Which is why it's especially painful.

--

Do I bother "waiting" in the event she and my friend ever break up? Or should I completely separate myself from the thought of ever being together so I can move on?

 

I don't know... it's hard and I tend to get down on myself in times like these and think nothing will ever work out.

[Buoyancy]

it's cool lol.

~~~

 

Dan and I tried that. 4 months of no talking and we kinda crawled back to each like "I uh... I miss talking to you." We rebuilt from there. We have a pretty awesome friendship now. It can be done.

~~~

If her touchy-feely-ness bothers you, set up boundaries. Like no touching the back or the shoulder, only high fives, no hugs over 3 seconds or something to that effect. Figure out what works for you. I am a touchy feely human as well and if someone doesn't like me touching them somewhere or doesn't want to be touched, respect it and move on. 
~~

If she likes you "the most", why the frick is she with your bestie?! As a female, these actions do not match up. Is she just dating him to be dating somebody? In an attempt to be close to you?  It comes across as fishy to me. I'd never go for the dude's best friend, I'm after who I'm after.  Most girls I know, except for the shady ones would agree.

~~

I wouldn't. You'll find yourself waiting for Gem when Diamond or Ruby comes up behind you, sees you're infatuated with another and goes on. The cycle will just repeat itself.  Get over your feelings (which can be difficult) and carry on. If things change, great! if not, fine! You'll be alright. Things WILL work out some way or another.  You're young, no rush man, no rush.

[lucious]

15 hours ago, Boogles said:

it's cool lol.

~~~

 

Dan and I tried that. 4 months of no talking and we kinda crawled back to each like "I uh... I miss talking to you." We rebuilt from there. We have a pretty awesome friendship now. It can be done.

~~~

If her touchy-feely-ness bothers you, set up boundaries. Like no touching the back or the shoulder, only high fives, no hugs over 3 seconds or something to that effect. Figure out what works for you. I am a touchy feely human as well and if someone doesn't like me touching them somewhere or doesn't want to be touched, respect it and move on. 
~~

If she likes you "the most", why the frick is she with your bestie?! As a female, these actions do not match up. Is she just dating him to be dating somebody? In an attempt to be close to you?  It comes across as fishy to me. I'd never go for the dude's best friend, I'm after who I'm after.  Most girls I know, except for the shady ones would agree.

~~

I wouldn't. You'll find yourself waiting for Gem when Diamond or Ruby comes up behind you, sees you're infatuated with another and goes on. The cycle will just repeat itself.  Get over your feelings (which can be difficult) and carry on. If things change, great! if not, fine! You'll be alright. Things WILL work out some way or another.  You're young, no rush man, no rush.

Ah it's just a tough situation all around.

She feels in her heart presently that if God intended us to be together, we'd already be together.

We've decided to pray on it each day now, until we're clear on what God wants. I also said that let's continue things as they are until the Hawaii vacation, as IMO that'll be a big thing. If nothings changed or we don't receive peace and clarity from God one way or the other, then we'll know it's never meant to be.

I need finality and closure, whatever that means, and making a decision so quickly while my emotions are high is unwise. I want to maintain friendship, I'm not sure how feasible it will be. We shall see.

Does that seem like an alright plan? It gives us time to think and most importantly will hopefully receive clarity from God.

[Buoyancy]

And I believe in my heart I should consume as many tacos as I want. Alas, I have a dairy allergy.
 

Stuff from God is stuff you just know, it's a feeling, but it creeps into your head too, it's stronger. Feelings can lie. Be wary that you are praying for God's direction, not just wishing for you guys to come together under the guise of prayer. That route leads to disappointment. Trust me. I tried it many many times in my teen years. 

Finality and closure when dealing with these emotions takes time. Like I said before, it's not easy but in your case I think it would be worthwhile to back off a little in the romance department. You could pray for your future spouse in general and leave this girl's name out of said prayers.  You don't have to go "cold turkey" on the friendship, but you can give yourself a  little space so your judgment isn't clouded.  For example, if you hang out 3 days a week, back off to one. Respond to texts slower, stuff like that. 

 

I guess? I personally am suspicious of this girl who says she'd prefer to date you but is still with your BFF. That's shady as all get out, in my opinion. I've SEEN girls pull that mess just to screw with dudes and it's so not cool.