Hey guys, so here's the deal. I've always been very drawn to Catholicism, in some ways I think it's a beautiful religion and I'm very interested in some of the practices. I love rosaries, the art, those candles with the saints on them, the churches, the rituals are intriguing, and other things that are currently vague in my head. I think I can sort of subconsciously relate with it because I've been a polytheist for the past few years and wouldn't mind the idea of looking to different saints. I understand that you do not see them as gods, but to me there are a lot of similarities. I already pray or chant while using certain items, including jewelry, I also like having pictures or figurines of certain gods.

The problem is that Christianity on the whole doesn't make sense to me. It does not compute in my brain. I can understand it from an outside perspective, but it is not logical in my own mind and heart. I even view my own practice metaphorically at times. Not always, but sometimes. I don't think we can know the true nature of God or what he/she/they want. That is beyond human understanding. I don't really believe in the concept of "sin". The idea is totally alien to me. I think there are good and bad things to ourselves and within society, but not a God somewhere far away with a list of rules, who condemns things that are natural. I don't think I could wait to have sex until marriage, for example, for a dogma that doesn't make sense to me. I don't think I could refer to God as "He". I see deity as dwelling within and beyond everything. I believe humankind is their own "savior". They can look outside of themselves for guidance, but we are responsible for ourselves in most (if not all) ways. The list goes on and on.

When I see a Catholic that is well versed in philosophy and well educated, it really does intrigue me a lot. Sometimes I am fascinated by it, usually I want to just role my eyes. I can honestly say that my experiences with my own ideas of deity are VERY similar to some of the Christian experiences I've heard of. I know what it's like to know something amazing in your heart and mind and spirit and all around you and in you and above you, that dizzying feeling of pure spiritual ecstasy that tingles from my head to my toes and connects you with everything in the universe and the greater spirit. The kind that makes you want to cry and hug everyone, the one that makes you humble and makes you want to be the best that you can be and tell everyone how beautiful life is. The kind that makes you feel out of body and like you're dwelling in the stars. Everything is alive and at peace. I know what it's like to feel strength through God/gods. The strength that people talk about receiving through Jesus is similar to what I have found through my own gods. My gods have guided me, they have loved me, I have loved them, they have spoken to me, I feel them within me and without me, they've inspired me and helped me in so many ways. And the list goes on..

If you're a Christian you're probably thinking this is all Satanic and that Satan is in a disguise and he's tricking me and everybody else that's not Christian. I could also say that we have the correct God/gods and your God is a greedy alien tyrant in disguise trying to make you think that. But you say "but I know in my heart!" and that's not a very good argument because we can say that too...none of that is logical to me. We're in the same universe, same "God", just different personal interactions and ideas.

So I'm not sure where I'm going with this, I know some of you expect that I should be able to understand God through your viewpoint but I can't say I can. I really just want to have a better understanding of what it's like to see through the eyes of a Catholic. I've read things on it, but I don't see it through my own eyes. I want to be able to because it interests me so much. I can't say I will keep those shades on but I won't know until I try. I really doubt I will, but I am at an "in between" stage in my own practices right now and may as well take the opportunity to explore different ideas, even though they're foreign to me. If I better understand Christian ideas I can understand myself better as a pagan. And I guess it's kind of like an experiment? I don't know. A part of me is an agnostic that sees religion as just art, a part of me is extremely skeptical of everything.

If there are any Catholics that can tell me where to go from here that would be great. I really just want to talk to some, have things explained to me, get into some interesting discussions and go into the deeper theology behind things. If you throw something out there I will have tons of questions and comments.

Thanks.