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Thread: Completed verison of chapter one of my story

  1. #1
    Wise Christian

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    Unhappy

    Unicorns of Moon Realms

    Chapter One: The Beginning

    I opened my eyes as I felt something velvety brush my cheek. A figure with blue eyes was standing above me. The figure raised its head and stepped back. It was a horse, with a horn. It was a unicorn! The unicorn had a dark navy blue coat with white specks all over him, making his coat look like a galaxy. The unicorn bent his head again and placed his pale blue horn pointed at my heart and a blinding white light filled my eyes. He stepped away and I looked down. There was a tiny scar shaped of a star where his horn had touched my skin. My name is Bevroren Ster. What is yours? He asked. Angelina. I found myself thinking this and not saying it out loud. Ah, welcome to Moon Realms Angelina. This is where all of your dreams have come alive, do you remember Aywen? The unicorn who meets you at the Pearl Gates in every dream? Is she here? Yes, she and I share the same clearing together. As well as Aefwar and Thorem. Come, I will take you there. I stood up and combed through my dark hair with my fingers to straighten it out a bit and climbed up on Bevroren Ster's wide back. I grasped his silky mane as he walked down a dirt path surrounded by trees. Bevroren, what happened in my last dream? That is not for me to tell you my dear, you will find out in all of good time. What happened to Silver Wing? What do you mean? I haven't seen Silver Wing since I was ten. I miss him. He hasn't faded has he? No! I saw him just yesterday! He's far from fading dear, far from it. The MOLs have had him doing missons and investigations for awhile now. He is on his last mission today. He will return to the Kalto Clearing tomorrow. You live in the Kalto Clearing right? I do. They are waiting for you. Waiting for me? Yes, waiting for you. Aywen will then become your Protector as well as me. I was ordered by the Queen to be your Protector and Aywen is to help me. Tomorrow, after Silver Wing returns, we will go to the Hallow together, Thorem, Aefwar, Aywen, Silver Wing, you, and me. Why? Why do we have to go to the Hallow? We are to travel for forty days and forty nights to Ivy Falls and rest there for awhile, I will explain later dear. I was puzzled but I didn't say so.

    Bevroren Ster trotted along the grassy bank of a crystal clear river. There were fishes of all colors swimming in the shallows. I settled comfortably on Bevroren Ster’s back, resting a hand on his hindquarters. Angelina? Yes Bevroren Ster? You’re very quiet...is everything all right? Everything is fine Bevroren Ster, I’m just amazed and happy and overwhelmed all at the same time. I know it’s a lot to take in, we’ll do one day at a time. A movement in the brush halted Bevroren Ster. I grabbed two handfuls of mane as a creature stepped out from the brush. It was another unicorn. His coat was a rich raspberry and his legs were dark green with gold hooves. His teal eyes matches his horn. Admis Du Mauvis.

    Bevroren Ster. What a pleasure it is to see you again...who is this lovely creature upon you now? She is none of your business Admis, is the Dove Hills safe? As safe as purified water my friend. No lies? No lies. The Winged Guardians are at their posts, ready to fly at a millisecond’s notice. Thank you Admis. You are welcome my friend, and my blessings to you. Bevroren Ster half reared on his hind legs and galloped down the path way. Who are the Winged Guardians? The Winged Guardians are dragons my dear, they guard this territory by their solid heavy hearts. They are repaying the Elders for what they took many years ago. They won’t hurt us will they? Never. A shrill cry broke our thoughts. An Alakri flew over us, his silver wings glistening in the sun.

    The Alakri swooped down beside us, his wings beating the wind. He is to follow us as we travel to the Kalto Clearing. Hold on a bit tighter dear. I looked at the Alakri and squeezed my legs close to Bevroren Ster’s sides and bent close to his neck. I interlocked my hands in his mane better and held on. He galloped across the plains, carrying us farther and farther from the beginning. Day turned into night as Bevroren Ster galloped on. I slowly drifted off to sleep to the sound of his hooves gently beating the ground. I could of sworn I heard Bevroren Ster singing;

    Lay down and rest my Child,
    Your work is done, and it’s time to go home,
    Go home to where you are free of your burdens,
    Where all of your dreams come alive,
    Lay down, your sweet and weary head,
    Night is falling, just rest now my Child.

    Morning will come, and bring a new dawn,
    Where you can start all of this tragic mess all over again,
    Don’t bother your troubles now, they are no longer here,
    Wash away your pain and drink your fill of happiness.

    I know life isn’t fair to little girls like you,
    But you ought to know, that it’ll all turn around.
    Hold up your head, everything’s gonna be all right.
    Lay down and rest my Child,
    Your work is done, and it’s time to go home now.
    Go home to where you are free,
    Free as the hummingbird in the garden.

    Go find the home where all of your greatest dreams come true,
    Morning will come, and bring a new dawn,
    Where you can start all of this tragic mess all over again,
    Don’t bother your troubles now, they are no longer here,
    Wash away your pain and drink you fill of happiness.
    Go home to where you are free.

    I woke up and nearly fell off of Bevroren Ster as I remembered where I was. He had slowed down to a walk and I was laying on his neck. Good morning Angelina. Mornin’, where are we? We are nearing the Kalto Clearing, it’s just up ahead. Is that Aywen? There was a light shining from the entry to the clearing, it struck me as familiar because Aywen’s horn would give off a bright light from afar. It is my dear. Bevroren Ster moved into a smooth canter, he leapt over a small log with ease, his horn rising into the air as he touched the ground again. As we neared the Kalto Clearing, he slowed down to a brisk trot. He whinnied to Aywen and she whinnied back. Two blue figures stood beside her, Thorem and Aefwar. Bevroren Ster nickered his greetings. They bowed their heads, their horns touching the ground. He slowed to a stop in front of them. He bowed his head until his horn touched the ground.

    It is good to have you back Bevroren Ster. It is wonderful to see this place again Aywen. Thorem! How is your mother? She is fine now. The antidote cured her completely. Bevroren, who is this set astride you? This, this is my friend Angelina. Angelina, welcome to Kalto Clearing! I was speechless, the sights were so beautiful. Bevroren Ster kneeled on his forelegs and I slid off of his back. I felt something soft brush my ear and I turned to see Aywen standing behind me. Come, I will show you where you will rest. I followed her to a hill in the Kalto Clearing that had a door in the center. The door was tall and wide enough for a unicorn to fit through. Aywen tapped the door with her horn three times. Feet were heard from the inside. The door opened to reveal a short, round woman. She was in an elderly age, her grayed hair was pulled up in a nanny like style.

    “Welcome, welcome!” she said, curtseying. She was wearing an apron over a dark green shirt and blouse. She held the door open and let us in. This is Gramma, she will take care of your needs while you stay here. Then Aywen turned around and left. Gramma closed the door and turned around, “Well, I might as well introduce myself formally. My name is Irene Murk, but call me Gramma.” “My name is Angelina.” “Ooh! What a pretty, pretty name! Oh dearie me, we need to get you some clothes for this journey!” She started to flutter around the room, pulling materials off the shelves and pins and threads and a tape measure. “Stand up now!” she said. I stood up and let her measure me. “We have dark green, black, burgundy, navy, pearl, rich purple, rose pink, um silver, sapphire, ruby, amber, and gold. Which would you like for three sets of robes dear?” “The dark green, the rich purple, and the sapphire.” “And for decorations?” “Oh um, on the green, gold. The purple, silver. And the sapphire...pearl.” “Come stand on this stool dear.” Gramma chirped. I walked over to a raised circle shape piece in the floor and let her fit the fabric. While she fitted me, I thought about everything that had happened up until now. I had woken up in some dream land that little girls dream about and I was taking off on a journey tomorrow.

    It was like a real life dream that I had always wished for. I felt a tug at my sleeve and I snapped out of my reverie. Gramma had sewn up my robe and it fit quite nicely. I turned around in it and let her see. “It fits well dearie, how do you like it?” “I love it. Thank you.” “Oh you are quite welcome, here, let me show you where you’ll rest.” I took off the robe and hung it up and followed her down a narrow hall way. Gramma stopped at a big wooden door and opened it up to reveal and nice, cozy bed chamber with a king-sized bed with scarlet blankets and curtains. The floor was padded with Persian and Oriental rugs and the furniture was made of hard oak. The walls were painted a warm navy blue color and ceiling was under a spell to look like the night sky. I walked inside and noticed the table beside the bed had a bible resting on it as well as a candle and a bell. A dresser was set against the wall across from the bed and a mirror was set behind it. A window let light pour into the room. “Thank you Gramma.” “You’re welcome dear. Ring the bell if you need anything and oh, the lavatory is through that door there.” she said, pointing to a door near the dresser. She closed the door and I picked up the gown on the dresser and changed into it. I looked outside to see that the sun had set and night was consuming day and stars were shining. I looked up to the ceiling and smiled at the three moons dancing among the stars. I looked down at the rugs underneath my bare feet and smiled at their intricate patterns of the Persian and Oriental. I could’ve sworn I heard soft music, like that of small pipes or flutes. I suddenly felt giddy and started to dance around the room. I then noticed soft little fuzzy things dancing, no bouncing along my dresser. I stopped and knelt low to the dresser to see that they were little women with wings. Faeries! There were all colors of Faeries. There were about as tall as my little finger. There were a couple of them sitting on an old make up puff, using some of the old make up on their own skin.

    I smiled, “Hi.” I whispered. One of the pale greenish blue Faeries that was sitting on the make up puff slid off of it and came up to me, “Hello...who are you?” “My name is Angelina, yours?” “Belle.” “Pretty.” “Thank you. I love your hair.” “Oh well thank you.” Belle was wearing a tiny piece of tanned animal hide formed into a one shouldered dress. She was barefoot as well as the other Faeries. A golden colored Faerie walked up beside Belle, “This is Kara, she’s my friend.” Belle said, gesturing to the Faerie.

    I pulled up the chair near me and sat down. I talked with the Faeries and played and gave them mini make overs with the make up puff. Suddenly, there was a loud screech and the Faeries screamed and flew off. A shadowy figure flew past my window. All I could see was this big red eye flashing past me. Was it one of the Winged Guardians? A loud crash startled me as the window was smashed into bits. The eye was watching me, I could see my reflection in it. A sharp taloned claw reached into through the window and grasped me. I let out a shriek and tried to free myself but the grip was too strong. Gramma opened the door and screamed at the sight.

    “Duivel!” I struggled against the dragon’s grip and kicked out but it was no use. A loud neigh was a sudden comfort to my ears, Bevroren Ster thundered into the room, rearing and throwing his head about. Aywen, Thorem, Aefwar, Admis Du Mauvis, Silver Wing, and several other unicorns entered the room. Bevroren! It’s all right dear, you’ll be okay. Just hang in there! Aywen charged at the dragon’s claw, her horn gauging his black scaly skin. The dragon screeched in pain, a sparks flaring from his nostrils. I hung on for dear life as Admis Du Mauvis struck the claw that was resting on the floor as the dragon slowly backed up for take off. Thorem and Aefwar stabbed at the dragon’s middle, leaving four inch wide, seven to nine inch deep wounds in the dragon’s stomach. When a loud flapping of wings, the dragon let go of the window ledge, taking me with him. I screamed as he clinched his grip around me. He opened up his jaws and a large pillar of fire was emitted from deep within him. Sparks were flying everywhere. BEVROREN! AYWEN! SILVER WING! I cried. I then saw something I never thought possible, Bevroren grew wings from his sides. His coat wasn’t a deep blue anymore, it was a coal black and I could see the anger in his eyes.

    He galloped to the edge of where the window used to be and spread his wings and flew high enough to match with the dragon. He beat his wings harder and harder until he met up with the dragon. He pierced the dragon with his ten inch long horn until his forehead almost met with the dragon’s skin. He then sharply lifted his head up through the dragon’s side. The dragon screamed in agony as blood started to pour from his sides. The dragon turned around and swiped at Bevroren, scratching his shoulder. A small trail of blood trickled down from his shoulder. It wasn’t blood red like the dragon’s, it was a silvery color. This only angered Bevroren more, he charged at the dragon, striking the dragon’s shoulder with his horn, he plunged his horn deeper and deeper into the dragon’s flesh. He stopped and then the dragon started to slowly wobble in his flying. He was swelling up, as if somebody was blowing a balloon up in his stomach. Then there was a loud boom and a blinding white light filled my eyes. I felt the dragon let go of me and I felt myself falling. Bevroren! He didn’t answer and I feared the worst. Then everything went black.
    PENGUINS ROCK!!!!

    [color=yellow]I am Starry&#39;s sis in Christ!</span>

    <span style=\'color:green\'>I LOVE DORKS!

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  3. #2
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    Wow :jawdrop:

    That was well thought out and good!


  4. #3
    Wise Christian

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    I wasn't sure if the ending would be appropriate enough for here but it felt like a good ending for chapter one. Now the fun starts, on to chapter two!
    PENGUINS ROCK!!!!

    [color=yellow]I am Starry&#39;s sis in Christ!</span>

    <span style=\'color:green\'>I LOVE DORKS!

  5. #4
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    I am still on chapter one in my novel

    :bangin:

    I gotta go get to work!

  6. #5
    Wise Christian

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    lol, don't push yourself too hard.
    PENGUINS ROCK!!!!

    [color=yellow]I am Starry&#39;s sis in Christ!</span>

    <span style=\'color:green\'>I LOVE DORKS!

  7. #6
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    Thanks for the warning. I wont..

  8. #7
    Wise Christian

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    You're welcome
    PENGUINS ROCK!!!!

    [color=yellow]I am Starry&#39;s sis in Christ!</span>

    <span style=\'color:green\'>I LOVE DORKS!

  9. #8
    Wise Christian

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    Wink

    Just to give you a translation guide for the next chapter on the unicorn names, here are the names and translations.

    1. (French) Reveur = Dreamer
    2. (Italian) Regno = Kingdom
    3. (same in all languages) Calydor = Calydor
    4. (Italian) Armonia = Harmony
    5. (Dutch) Admis Du Mauvis = Confessed of the Wicked
    6. (Italian) Scritto Verde Smeralda = Emerald Script
    7. (Dutch) Zilreren Rapsodie = Silver Rhapsody
    8. (Italian) Mirage Del Deserto = Desert Mirage
    9. (German) Flamme der Verzaberung = Blaze of Enchantment
    10. (Spanish) Rey De la Estrella = Star King
    11. (Dutch) Bevroren Ster = Frozen Star

    As for Aywen, Thorem, Aefwar, and Silver Wing, those are just made up.
    PENGUINS ROCK!!!!

    [color=yellow]I am Starry&#39;s sis in Christ!</span>

    <span style=\'color:green\'>I LOVE DORKS!

  10. #9
    troubadour89
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    good content, good outline, it flows smoothly, i like the names of the unicorns, they rock. but other than some other things, the story gets an A+

  11. #10
    Wise Christian

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    What other things?
    PENGUINS ROCK!!!!

    [color=yellow]I am Starry&#39;s sis in Christ!</span>

    <span style=\'color:green\'>I LOVE DORKS!

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