Writing from a serial killers POV?

[ksqt0509]

So, I'm entering a writing contest, and you have to write a scene from both the victim and serial killers POV. If anyone would be up for reading it, and letting me know what they think I'd appreciate it! It doesn't have any bad language or anything, it's just kinda creepy. No one actually dies in the scene.

Anyways, I'd really really appreciate any advice or critiques you all have for me!

I'd post it, but it's a little long, probably a 5-10 minute read... so here's the link.

http://figment.com/books/309948-No-S...ghts-Very-Nice

[Christian Teen Forums]

[Leksea]

I thought it was pretty good! I really like your writing style too.

There were only two things that I could think of. The first is when her sister called and started talking about the killer, how did Mallory know it was the killer? I mean, yes, it is a coincidence that a killer is on the loose and someone came in to use her phone. But it seemed a bit...abrupt? Maybe instead have her sister start saying something like "So be on the look out for someone with brown hair, about so tall" and so on. And that's when it could kind of hit her that that's who he really is. But just my thoughts : ) .

And the other one is near the end of the chapter, it says, "What do they teach kids I school nowadays anyway?" instead of saying "In school".

Anyways, I thought it was good! Good luck in the competition!

[ksqt0509]

Thanks! I hadn't thought of that! That's great.

and thanks for pointing out the typo!

Do you have any new writings? I am starting to really like that figment site, there are lots of contests, and people on it. It's pretty cool.

[Leksea]

Sadly, no . I haven't written in quite awhile. I'm not even sure why. But anyway, I'll have to check out the new website!

[The Escapist]

On the whole, I liked it. In particular, I loved the part from the killer's point of view. The use of descriptive language to portraying a highly analytical mind was very good. I have a few criticisms though:

First off, your grammar is off in certain places. e.g. missing commas.

Secondly, I felt like you revealed that he was a serial killer too soon, killing the suspension far too quickly. Perhaps extend his conversation with Mallory a bit by having him ask her unsettling personal questions, e.g. Do you have any family? Do you have any flatmates? Of course, this may not be possible if you're working to a word limit.

Thirdly, I'm nit-picking here, but the phrase "murderous psycho serial killer" could be refined. For one, the use of the adjective "murderous" is redundant if followed by the noun "serial killer". Secondly, the use of the word adjective "psycho" is a bit difficult to use because you could either be referring to someone suffering from psychosis (loss of contact with reality) or a psychopath. Also, I'm not 100% sure on this, but law enforcement professionals tend to be more clinical when referring to mentally ill criminals. I imagine if this case they'd use the term "disturbed serial killer" or "disturbed and dangerous murderer". Sorry if I'm being overly critical but it's just something I picked up on.

Lastly, I found the switch between perspectives to be a bit confusing at first (as in I read the first two sentences of the killer's story and thought it was still Mallory narrating). Maybe re-write it a tad so the first sentence establishes the outside setting and then the character talks about the love of the game. For example, I would write: I hear a whirring of a police siren in the background, and my pace quickens slightly as I stalk the streets of middle-class suburbia. Again, this is just my personal opinion.

Other than that, I thought the story was great! I wish you the best of luck in the competition!

[ksqt0509]

On the whole, I liked it. In particular, I loved the part from the killer's point of view. The use of descriptive language to portraying a highly analytical mind was very good. I have a few criticisms though:

First off, your grammar is off in certain places. e.g. missing commas.

Secondly, I felt like you revealed that he was a serial killer too soon, killing the suspension far too quickly. Perhaps extend his conversation with Mallory a bit by having him ask her unsettling personal questions, e.g. Do you have any family? Do you have any flatmates? Of course, this may not be possible if you're working to a word limit.

Thirdly, I'm nit-picking here, but the phrase "murderous psycho serial killer" could be refined. For one, the use of the adjective "murderous" is redundant if followed by the noun "serial killer". Secondly, the use of the word adjective "psycho" is a bit difficult to use because you could either be referring to someone suffering from psychosis (loss of contact with reality) or a psychopath. Also, I'm not 100% sure on this, but law enforcement professionals tend to be more clinical when referring to mentally ill criminals. I imagine if this case they'd use the term "disturbed serial killer" or "disturbed and dangerous murderer". Sorry if I'm being overly critical but it's just something I picked up on.

Lastly, I found the switch between perspectives to be a bit confusing at first (as in I read the first two sentences of the killer's story and thought it was still Mallory narrating). Maybe re-write it a tad so the first sentence establishes the outside setting and then the character talks about the love of the game. For example, I would write: I hear a whirring of a police siren in the background, and my pace quickens slightly as I stalk the streets of middle-class suburbia. Again, this is just my personal opinion.

Other than that, I thought the story was great! I wish you the best of luck in the competition!

Aw, thanks for reading it!

I have a love hate relationship with commas.

There was kind of a word limit, but if I decide to try and make it full length I will definitely fluff it out a bit.

Yeah, I tend to be on the wordy side when trying to write teenage girl POV because, let's face it, teen girls are wordy... to say the least.

Thanks! I will take another look at the transition!

Thanks again for reading it, I'm so glad!

[The Escapist]

Aw, thanks for reading it!

I have a love hate relationship with commas.

There was kind of a word limit, but if I decide to try and make it full length I will definitely fluff it out a bit.

Yeah, I tend to be on the wordy side when trying to write teenage girl POV because, let's face it, teen girls are wordy... to say the least.

Thanks! I will take another look at the transition!

Thanks again for reading it, I'm so glad!

No problem Kiersten. I used to write stories that dealt with abnormal psychology, so your story greatly interested me.

[Josh (J)]

I don't have time to comment now--but aside from some grammatical errors, it was really good! I love how you write for teenage girls. Awesome job Kiersten ^^

[Marley]

Your an excellent writer. Keep it up! ^_^

I don't have much to add past whats already been said. For some reason the first two sentences bothered me a bit, but upon rereading I think its just because I'm really picky about 1st person. Two sentences starting with an 'I' in a row bothers me, but really its kinda inevitable. XD

I'm rather intrigued by your little site. You may see some of my work up there in the future!

[ksqt0509]

Thanks Josh, yeah, I didn't have a lot of time and therefore didn't really knit-pick at it. Always room for improvement!

Thanks Ashley! If you put your work up, let me know! I will totally check it out! I pretty much write exclusively in first person, third isn't my thing. I try to avoid starting everything with I... but it can be hard. lol.