Gen Y-Z and friendship

[Jesusismyticket]

So, I am 18 years old now and technically fall under one of these two, however I greatly struggle to keep friends.

 

I have a lot of actual, online friendships but it seems when it comes to personal, face-to-face socialization I can't keep a friend and I have no idea why.

 

I make phone calls. I make plans. We usually hang out once or twice before they completely give out on effort.

 

It is frustrating, as I read all these articles saying these generations value friendship the most yet I always seem to be the option when someone is bored. I do have more conservative views but I am open-minded to other life styles.

 

Now, I come to my final struggle, is it THEM, or is it ME?

 

I take friendship seriously. I try to call, or if there is an email or other way I can connect with them I try to use those too. I agree I do not have a facebook, or a twitter, or an instagram, and I cannot text message. I usually try my ways at least once a week. It is kind of based on how they usually take things. I've had some who prefer once a week, others multiple times. Either way, I make effort. When they suggest plans I do research and try to find something we'd both enjoy doing, or I just let them drag me along to something I've never done. I listen to their interests, even if they are not my own. Overall, I don't think I'm that bad. I always start the conversation with a how are you and what have you been doing? sort of thing.

 

My first friend I had when I was about 12-13, we were friends for 2 years. She wasn't a great influence but she was a friend. She replaced me technically, with someone she had met 2 months ago. It was rough.

My next actual friendship didn't end up becoming an actual friendship. It ended up her little sister, who is 10, wanted to be my friend and not her, and 10 was a bit young for my teenage self and my mom didn't prefer it.

that is another funny thing, little kids LOVVEEEE me, teens hate me, haha.

In youth group I won't include my now ex boyfriend because that ending was actually my fault, I lost my temper in our breakup which ruined all chances of a friendship to continue even after.

There was another girl, who still is very perky and generous. She does tons of charity and I admire it. However, she would never call or keep in touch. All her plans were spontaneous, which I had told her was hard for me to do in my family situation. She got upset with me for desiring her to let me know she still wanted me as a friend and said we needed a "Break" after not speaking properly for 2 months, I basically said we were going on a permanent "Break."

Most people I tried to keep base with, ended up not keeping base. 60% of people who wanted to kind of chat said it would be easier if I could text. I know I don't go to school with these people so I don't see them in a hallway every day but they could try...

 

I get along with elderly people usually. Little old ladies. Or I get along with people 10 and under. Which isn't really right either. Online, I have friends, but offline, I can only seem to befriend children and the elderly. I just seriously want to know who the problem is. Because I see another friend drifting from touch and I am wondering now is it just THIS GENERATION OF PEOPLE CANNOT INTERACT WITHOUT A POWER CORD or have I actually done something wrong? do I expect too much? What should I do to compromise, besides try and get something I really can't afford at this time in my life? Does it get better in college? Someone give me some hope here...

[Buoyancy]

This is a very common problem amongst teens, your age group can be SUPER flaky. My friends did this to me during my teen years. I was always calling and trying to make plans with not getting anything in return. Eventually I just stopped contacting them to see where their loyalty stood. Found out the painful way that it didn't stand at all and made some new friends.


I was literally just like you. I was 13 and all of my friends were 8-10 or like 30 year olds. something about me was off-putting to my peers.  I learned to nip unhealthy relationships in the bud and move on. Healthy ones eventually came back to me, realizing they were wrong and immature.

It seems to get better and yet worse in the college years. It gets better as in you build relationships, meaningful ones during your course of study, you experience the same things and grown together. however, it sucks more because adulthood hardcore sets in after graduation and(usually, not always, but usually)  seeing these pals becomes a rare treat.  Unless you live close by.


 I do not think this is you at all. Trust me, this has been going on since MySpace was a thing and Motorola Razr's were the top of the line. It is nothing new, Teenagers for the past couple of decades have preferred talking through something instead of directly to someone. Maybe they're all dumb. Maybe they're all insecure, maybe they're all just lazy and self-centered? Don';t know the cause, but if you're doing your part to maintain a relationship, then it's on them, not you.


 

[Jesusismyticket]

This is a very common problem amongst teens, your age group can be SUPER flaky. My friends did this to me during my teen years. I was always calling and trying to make plans with not getting anything in return. Eventually I just stopped contacting them to see where their loyalty stood. Found out the painful way that it didn't stand at all and made some new friends.

I was literally just like you. I was 13 and all of my friends were 8-10 or like 30 year olds. something about me was off-putting to my peers.  I learned to nip unhealthy relationships in the bud and move on. Healthy ones eventually came back to me, realizing they were wrong and immature.

It seems to get better and yet worse in the college years. It gets better as in you build relationships, meaningful ones during your course of study, you experience the same things and grown together. however, it sucks more because adulthood hardcore sets in after graduation and(usually, not always, but usually)  seeing these pals becomes a rare treat.  Unless you live close by.

 I do not think this is you at all. Trust me, this has been going on since MySpace was a thing and Motorola Razr's were the top of the line. It is nothing new, Teenagers for the past couple of decades have preferred talking through something instead of directly to someone. Maybe they're all dumb. Maybe they're all insecure, maybe they're all just lazy and self-centered? Don';t know the cause, but if you're doing your part to maintain a relationship, then it's on them, not you.

 

thank you Becky... <3

[kb5462]

I'm gonna disagree with Becky slightly here, but hear me out. What I'm gonna say is meant in love.

 

You need to meet people half-way. 

 

Facebook/text etc. are different kinds of communication, not a failure to communicate. I sense a lot of judgement in the way you talk about people who are connected through social media, and I can understand it to an extent. But, the simple fact of the matter is that we live in a world where instantaneous connection is the norm now. We live hectic lives with busy, jam-packed schedules, and therefore, face-to-face or over-the-phone communication isn't necessarily what's practical anymore. Throughout my teenage years (and just before), even though smartphones were a thing etc., it was still very normal for me to call up my friends on their landline. But, times have changed, and it's now much more common for me to call someone on FaceTime or through Facebook! 

 

So, perhaps some practical suggestions: 

• Get Skype. If people want your Facebook or whatever, tell them you don't have one, but you can chat over Skype if they get the app (which is free). It'll go straight to their smartphone, and you can still communicate from your home computer. It's instantaneous social media for them, no need to get a smartphone for you. It's free, it's easy, etc.
• If possible, when you go to college, get a mobile phone you can text on. It doesn't have to be fancy, doesn't have to be a smartphone etc. but it's gonna mean you get included in things. People aren't not communicating with you out of malice, they're assuming that you communicate in the same way as them. The mass text that goes round to your Bible study group saying "Let's get ice cream tonight!" isn't designed to exclude you... it's probably just that people totally don't realise that you don't use that kind of media. I just looked on Amazon USA and you can get a standard, no frills cell phone for $6.50, and a pay-as-you-go SIM card (with 100 pre-paid minutes on it) for $4.90. 
• Ask people if they want to do things before or after already scheduled events. For example, why not ask someone if they want to grab a coffee the hour before your youth group? Sometimes what people want is a chilled activity that lets them get to know you, rather than something super organised. 

There is a point where you've got to stop trying, though. And it's really clear that you're putting in the effort here. Just remember people see the world differently to you

[Jesusismyticket]

I'm gonna disagree with Becky slightly here, but hear me out. What I'm gonna say is meant in love.

 

You need to meet people half-way. 

 

Facebook/text etc. are different kinds of communication, not a failure to communicate. I sense a lot of judgement in the way you talk about people who are connected through social media, and I can understand it to an extent. But, the simple fact of the matter is that we live in a world where instantaneous connection is the norm now. We live hectic lives with busy, jam-packed schedules, and therefore, face-to-face or over-the-phone communication isn't necessarily what's practical anymore. Throughout my teenage years (and just before), even though smartphones were a thing etc., it was still very normal for me to call up my friends on their landline. But, times have changed, and it's now much more common for me to call someone on FaceTime or through Facebook! 

 

So, perhaps some practical suggestions: 

• Get Skype. If people want your Facebook or whatever, tell them you don't have one, but you can chat over Skype if they get the app (which is free). It'll go straight to their smartphone, and you can still communicate from your home computer. It's instantaneous social media for them, no need to get a smartphone for you. It's free, it's easy, etc.
• If possible, when you go to college, get a mobile phone you can text on. It doesn't have to be fancy, doesn't have to be a smartphone etc. but it's gonna mean you get included in things. People aren't not communicating with you out of malice, they're assuming that you communicate in the same way as them. The mass text that goes round to your Bible study group saying "Let's get ice cream tonight!" isn't designed to exclude you... it's probably just that people totally don't realise that you don't use that kind of media. I just looked on Amazon USA and you can get a standard, no frills cell phone for $6.50, and a pay-as-you-go SIM card (with 100 pre-paid minutes on it) for $4.90. 
• Ask people if they want to do things before or after already scheduled events. For example, why not ask someone if they want to grab a coffee the hour before your youth group? Sometimes what people want is a chilled activity that lets them get to know you, rather than something super organised. 

There is a point where you've got to stop trying, though. And it's really clear that you're putting in the effort here. Just remember people see the world differently to you

thank you Katy. All this is insightful, I just really want to know what more I can do to make the connections I'm not right now. <3

[Marley]

I generally agree with Katy. Personally, I get the smartphone disgust and I often find myself pulling back from apps but to a certain level you just have to realize that that's where your gonna meet people. And talk/text plans are cheap. I lost my phone recently and picked up a little $20 talk and text flip phone. $15 a month for more than enough calls and texts for me to use. No contract, just gift cards. Texting isn't a "smart" feature and if your gonna be living on your own, having a cell is going to become a safety thing and an essential. 

Edited May 31, 2016 by Marley

[Jesusismyticket]

I generally agree with Katy. Personally, I get the smartphone disgust and I often find myself pulling back from apps but to a certain level you just have to realize that that's where your gonna meet people. And talk/text plans are cheap. I lost my phone recently and picked up a little $20 talk and text flip phone. $15 a month for more than enough calls and texts for me to use. No contract, just gift cards. Texting isn't a "smart" feature and if your gonna be living on your own, having a cell is going to become a safety thing and an essential. 

Thank you Marley. I'll certainly look into getting one.